General: Sterno's Talkin' Smack -- Episode #72

Sterno's Talkin' Smack. No holding back here. It's all trash, all the time.

I cannot be more animated about this edition of the gala. What an absolute disgrace I witnessed yesterday at Giants Stadium. This entire episode is dedicated to the disgusting, the pitiful, the New York Giants!

Smack This: Giant Demise -- Okay, where to begin? I guess we can just go down the line and crucify each and every loser on this team. Mind you, I am a die hard Giants fan saying all of this!

Brian Mitchell: Brian, you are old and slow. You couldn't return an item of clothing at JC Penney's, let alone a punt or a kick. Do us all a favor and retire. I am beginning to think that the Eagles sent this guy here as a mole to infiltrate and destroy our team. Is anyone else sick of watching Dante Hall highlights, while Mitchell gets run down by 275 pound linebackers?

Kerry Collins: Kerry, you overrated disaster. This guy telegraphs every throw to the extent that if he had a sign on his freaking head that said "I'm throwing it to Toomer," it wouldn't be any different. I am so sick of this guy. Mr. I can pad my stats in the fourth quarter, throws passes in the end zone to the other team, runs around like he's afraid of getting hit, and has no inspiration on the sideline or on the field. Has anyone ever seen Collins fire up his team after a missed throw, get on himself verbally on the sideline, do anything to make you believe he cares? Maybe the lack of liquor in his system has him too sedated? Oh, and please god, stop letting this guy rollout. When he runs right, instead of calling it a rollout, they should call it a throwout, because that's all the play really is. What a joke. Bring me Jesse Palmer. I'll even take the Princeton geek at this point!

Amani Toomer: Amani, I know that you broke every Giants receiving record there is, and that with your new found haircut, you are a Pro Bowl wannabe, but give me a break. Just because Kerry can't get you the ball in the right spot, it doesn't give you the right to drop the ball. Get some glue, and let's go. Oh, hail to the victors my friend.

Tiki Barber: Speaking of glue, Tiki should get some cement. I would love to have somebody explain to me what the hell you can do to get a guy to hold on to the damn ball. One fumble after another and all of the sudden, ever since that famous game against the Eagles, Barber is the laughing stock of football. I didn't think it was possible for anyone to hurt the offense more than Collins, but he has done it. Tiki's hands have killed drive after drive and I'm sick of it. At least Ron Dayne held on to the ball. I mean it. It's time to bench this idiot. That stupid commercial, and the fame of being one of the twins, has gone to his head. Get a grip Tiki and come back to earth!

Offensive Line: Can everyone please stop talking on television during these games about how much our staff has done with our offensive line? Oh, the progress they have made. Are you guys blind? This group does more holding than they do at a group session for alcoholics. What a joke. How about waiting until Goofy snaps the ball, to go to work? It's just a thought.

Coach Jim Fassel: I purposely will address him as "Coach Fassel," because soon his days as such will be numbered. How long do we have to pretend that because this guy went to the Super Bowl that he is some kind of demigod? That "guarantee," was the biggest stroke of luck I have ever seen. The way that Fassel has handled the Special Teams unit over the past couple of years, is grounds enough for a canning. What an offensive guru this guy is, huh? What has he done? Does anyone in the world think it takes a freaking genius to teach a screen pass? Or to call a screen pass? Or to run a screen pass? Seriously, Fassel's decisions inside the red zone are pathetic. The way he talks in the press conferences about mistakes is frankly pathetic. Oh, and the fact that he is so afraid of his stars that he can't rip into them publicly or privately, is also pathetic.

Maybe, just maybe, he should have made a statement one of the 600 times that Barber fumbled the ball. Maybe, just maybe, after Collins threw the 10th bad interception in the end zone, Fassel could have benched him for a series. Again, this guy is crap, his knowledge is just the same, and I want him out. Was that too harsh?

Michael Strahan: Finally Michael Strahan. Michael, between your 500 commercials, the fact that your gap toothed face is everywhere during off days, and your comments last year about Tiki Barber, I have finally gotten it. You are trying to impersonate Jason Sehorn. It took me a while, but I get it now. There is simply no other explanation. Maybe, instead of flexing your muscles after every sack, you should be a leader and pump up your defense, instead of letting Michael Barrow handle the entire load. He is a leader. You are a loser. If anyone has tape of this last game, watch the last drive for the Falcons in which they scored a touchdown. On two or three plays, you can see Strahan loafing it up as the backs ran right by him. I'm sick of him too.

That's all I've got to say. I'm rooting for the Bengals for the rest of the season. Okay, I'm not that crazy!

Giants -- Smacked!!!

One for the Road: There is no excuse for that Miami Dolphins offense. That is an entirely different disgrace indeed!

Hit me up with feedback at eSports (click the Write the Editor link) or on my homepage at http://www.suite101.com/myhome.cfm/theycallmethecloser. Come on and click that link already! You can't possibly agree with everything I say!

See ya' all next time folks! Until then, don't be the one who's smacked!