Family Time

PDA’S, e-mails, notes on the refrigerator. This is often the only way busy families communicate with each other. In many homes, both parents work and children have sports or other activities. So being together is reserved for holidays. The price for living life this way is often very high. I know because I was this way. And my children suffered for it. They needed me, not a note or a frozen dinner.

This changed drastically last year. After talking over priorities with my husband, I decided I could write from home and devote myself to raising my children full time. The events of September 11th only reinforced this decision. We are much closer as a family, and we spend lots of time talking with each other. Dad takes the boys on weekly bike rides. Just the 3 of them for some real quality time. It also gives me free time to read a book, color my hair, or just have a long soak in the tub.

Meals are eaten together now. It gives all of us a time to enjoy each other and catch up on the day. My boys recognize how hard I work, often 18 hours a day, in addition to homeschooling them, and maintaining the house and garden. So this meal is very special to them. They help set the table and clean up the dishes, without argument.

Was the loss of income worth it? Yes! We enjoy a much better quality of life with so much less stress. Our children are happier and more cooperative. Am I suggesting this will be for you? No. What I am suggesting, is a readjusting of priorities. Your family is important. However and when ever it can be done, time needs to be made for your children. Making sure you eat at least 3-4 meals together every week is one way to do this. It doesn’t have to be dinner; it can be breakfast or meeting everyone for lunch.

One day a week should be set aside for family time. No phones, computers, just you and your children. This lets them know how much you love and need them. Play a game with them, work together in the garden, or go on a family hike somewhere. Use this time to get a feel for where they are, how they are doing, and to help work on any problems. The most successful families have all found ways to creatively improve their time together.

Everyone coming in from work or school needs some time to "decompress". A little time to just unwind, shower or grab a quick snack. This is perfectly normal and healthy. When does it become too much?

In some homes, everyone has their own sound system, TV, VCR and computer. After a brief hello, they all retreat to their own spaces. There is little to no family communication. Doors are shut, and only the muffled sounds of TV or music are ever heard. Parents don't intrude on their children’s private spaces. How can this be called a family?

To be an effective parent, you need to communicate actively with your child. You also need to "monitor" what they see or hear from the media or on the computer. A child doesn’t have the filtering capabilities of an adult. Unless an adult helps them process and understand what they are seeing, they get the wrong understanding about many things.

This much "privacy" also decreases communication skills and can cause children to be sullen and rude when interrupted. Originally my boys each had their own TV’s. We noticed within a very short time how unwilling to talk or cooperate they were becoming. In addition, having the TV’s in their rooms diffused any discipline we tried to enforce. After all, who cares if they were sent to their rooms? They had the TV. So, we removed them. TV became a family affair. We sit together, comment or ask questions about what we are seeing, and generally end up communicating much more this way.

Both of the computers are side by side in our family area. This way I can actively help with lessons and monitor their internet access. We share exciting "finds" and news, play games and generally enjoy working closely together. My husband often will curl up on the couch, reading a book and occasionally join in our conversation. The boys are thrilled he’s there and compete to sit near him. As a result, instead of evenings spent dealing with tantruming children, we have evenings spent together in quiet enjoyment.

How do you talk with your children? The way we communicate with our children has a direct effect on their behavior. Some parents, believing children are little adults, expect them to comprehend everything they say and become frustrated and disappointed when they don’t. At the other end of the spectrum are the parents who talk down to their children, assuming they are nothing more than semi-literate savages, who must be controlled. Somewhere in between are the parents who are able to communicate with their kids at an understandable level.

A 2 year old will become confused by lengthy directions. So for example, telling a toddler: go to your room, pick up your toys and wash your hands, will get lost somewhere after go to your room. A much more effective way to do this would be to walk the child to her room and ask her to pick up her toys. Once that task is completed, you then lead her to the bathroom and help her wash her hands. Toddlers are often so busy absorbing input about the big bright new world they live in, they aren’t able to focus on one thing for very long. Assuming they know exactly where to go and how to do as you ask is assuming way too much.

The 6-8 year old may be able to totally focus on what he is doing, especially if he enjoys it. One useful tool is to allow the child to finish what they are doing before asking them to help with something. This shows them 2 things: consideration for their needs and that you are fair. Helping a child stay on task at this age is very difficult. If they are having difficulty doing assigned chores, sit nearby and talk with them while they work. Offer encouragement and praise for doing things right and completing a job. They will begin to associate chores with family time. This may be a quiet moment to talk or share a joke.

If you are always hurried, abrupt, or dismissive of what your children have to say, they will have great difficulty telling you when things are wrong. If your first reaction is: " oh, stop being so childish", how can you expect them to share their hopes, fears and dreams with you? They ARE children after all, not miniature versions of us. They have their own unique personalities and ways of looking at things. Don’t you recall as a child or as an adult, someone making light of something that truly mattered to you? It hurt didn’t it?

In talking with your children, give them your full attention, and try and listen to what they have to say. Often, they are only seeking validation of their feelings, and not a whole bunch of input. Simply saying, "Yes, I bet that did hurt", or "I can really see why that scared you", lets them know that you really do understand what they are going through. A hug and a quick kiss and they’re good to go, until the next "thing" comes along.

For the next week, pay attention to the way you talk with your children. Pay attention to times when you tend to "dismiss" what they are saying.

Family communication is a key part of being a healthy family. Most importantly, a constant affirmation of their worth and being loved will help them become much more confident and productive adults.

Focus On Your Child
There's no substitute for understanding boundaries and responsibilities .