Abuse: Judging The Victims

All over the world someone is abused. People are raped, beaten by loved ones, abused by family or violated in so many different ways. One common characteristic is found in almost all these instances: shame. The shame of allowing oneself to be victimized is deep in all of these individuals. The more prolonged the abuse, the heavier the burden of shame and guilt becomes. This shame erodes an already shattered self esteem even further, increasing the victims sense of fear and isolation.

We tend to be a silent folk, unwilling to open up and let others see the desperation, the crippling fear and the scalding hurt. Observing the treatment other victims receive from the courts and the public, only reinforces the need for silence. For victims are too easily judged by people who have no idea what true terror is. When they see statements like: "he/she must like it or need to be abused", or worse, "why don’t they just.." or even worse "he/she must have done something to deserve it", how easy do you suppose it is for a badly battered soul to step up and say I need help??? We are indeed a heartless, careless judgmental culture. To imply a person gets some gratification from being beaten or damaged is unjust and very very callous. Especially for the victims of prolonged severe abuse, this attitude is very, very harmful.

These victims, often in an attempt to escape more abuse, begin to identify with their tormenters. Known as the Stockholm Syndrome, it is a well understood psychological phenomena. Patricia Hearst was reputedly suffering this syndrome during her time as a prisoner of the SLA. She had said that her fear was so great she would have done anything to please her captors. POW’s also have suffered with this syndrome.

Sam Varkin PHD has this ultimately to say about what happens to the chronically abused at the hands of an unkind judgmental world: If all else fails, the abuser recruits friends, colleagues, mates, family members, the authorities, institutions, neighbors, the media, teachers - in short, third parties - to do his bidding. He uses these them to cajole, coerce, threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt, convince, harass, communicate and otherwise manipulate his target. He controls these unaware instruments exactly as he plans to control his ultimate prey. He employs the same mechanisms and devices. And he dumps his props unceremoniously when the job is done.

Another form of control by proxy is to engineer situations in which abuse is inflicted upon another person. Such carefully crafted scenarios of embarrassment and humiliation provoke social sanctions (condemnation, opprobrium, or even physical punishment) against the victim. Society, or a social group become the instruments of the abuser.

"In the long term, such an environment erodes the victim's sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Self-confidence is shaken badly. Often, the victims adopts a paranoid or schizoid stance and thus renders himself or herself exposed even more to criticism and judgment. The roles are thus reversed: the victim is considered mentally deranged and the abuser - the suffering soul."

It is important for a caring society not to form preconceived notions of how anyone should react in such situations. We are all made differently and react very very differently to the same situations, based on background strengths and environment.

Instead of judging someone whose shoes you’ve never walked in, it might be more mature, to try and understand why they are reacting this way and offer help. To not try.. makes us something less than human and certainly no where near Christian. Idle gossip and specious often cruel speculation helps no one, and demeans us greatly. Ask yourself in the dark still of night: Is this how I would want to be treated?