Halloween

The Werewolf hid amongst the shadows of a darkened alleyway at the side of the Pink Flamingo club, a popular gay nightclub near the heart of provincial town. The drizzle hummed on the neon at the front of the building and glistened on the beast’s thick coat. Far off in the distance, sirens wailed and the faintest sounds of chaos and the breaking of glass could be heard. Liverpool had beaten Leeds United 2-1 and the result had not be received well by some supporters who were now on the rampage.

Back in the alley there was a puff of smoke and Dracula appeared. "Evening Wolfy" said the vampire coughing and wafting away the mist.
"Bloody hell" said the Werewolf, startled. "Must you do that? You scared the shit out of me!"
"Sorry! - Any victims yet?"
"No not yet but I was getting ready to pounce on that couple that just came past but you put me off"
"Don’t worry" replied Dracula "there’ll be a more along soon. It’s Halloween Wolfy and you know what humans are like? Any excuse to go out and get pissed"
"Well I hope so," said the Werewolf down heartedly. "The boss isn’t please with our performance lately. He’s running out of souls to torture. I keep telling him people just aren’t scared as easily as they used to be. Just looking evil and ferocious isn’t enough these days, they seem to be immune to it."
"Well they’ve got Anne Widecome and Mo Mowlem how does he expect us to compete with that?" said Dracula throwing his hands in the air.
"Exactly!" the Werewolf exclaimed.
"Well I’ve called for backup" replied Dracula "any minute now I’m expecting Frank and old rag boy"
"What you mean Frankenstein’s monster and the Mummy?"
"Exactamundo!"
Right on cue there was another puff of smoke instantly followed by a fit of coughing. As the fog cleared - two grizzly apparitions appeared, arms frantically trying to wave away the choking mist.
"About time" said Dracula
"Sorry lads" said the Mummy ", the lift’s broken down again. We’ve had to haul ourselves up the stairs from the depth’s of hell. The maintenance lads are so short staffed since the Devil started putting them all on spikes for calling a general strike."

The four ghouls lurked in their damp, dark corner shivering in the late October night. "Got any fags?" said the monster.
"Your always on the bloody cadge Frank" snapped the Mummy. "It’s never his shout" he protested to the others.
"Look; I’ve got some here" said Dracula handing round the cigarettes"
"Care for one Wolfy?" said Dracula offering a cigarette.
"No thanks, they’re bad for you. Them things could kill you, you know?"
The others stopped and then turned to the creature as if stunned by his comment.
Dracula spoke "Wolfy! We are the un-dead, the eternal evil. I don’t think cancer is going to have much effect on me, the Prince of Darkness do you? Then he returned to fishing in his pocket for a box of matches.
"I mean, look at you! Do you remember that time you fell asleep in a bus station and the next thing you knew; you woke up in an animal testing laboratory smoking fifty a day" The other monsters convulsed with laughter. "It didn’t do you any harm did it?"
"Well you can never tell. You used to say that about chops" said the Werewolf
"What?"
"Chops! You used to say chops wouldn’t bother you"
"STAKES! Not chops; and they’re wooden stakes not bloody lamb chops you demented mutt!" snapped Dracula shaking his head and striking a match.

The full moon hung overhead like a Chinese lantern casting a softened light into the narrow passage gracefully illuminating the smoke emanating from the ghastly foursome. As they puffed away like a council workers on a tea break there was a rumble. "What was that?" said Frank.
"What?" replied the Mummy
"That sound, like someone farting" said Frank.
"Bloody hell, who’s done that, it stinks," said the Werewolf, edging away underneath the fire escape covering his snout with a paw.
"fuckin hell raggy!" said Dracula covering his face with his cape to shield himself from the gas attack. "That smells like the bowls of hell itself"
"Sorry lads" said the Mummy wafting his backside. "I had a Mexican for lunch"
"He must have been a bit rancid," replied Frank.
"Well I do like to hang my victims for a while, it makes them more tender" said the Mummy.
"Jesus Christ!" exclaimed the Werewolf
"eh pack in the swearing Wolfy" said Dracula wagging a finger. "if the boss here’s you, using that sort of language you’ll be back in a cage with Barbara Cartland, and you wouldn’t want that now, would you?"

Further down the alleyway a dog could be heard chocking as hordes of rats ran away from the stench and into a nearby sewer.
"This isn’t doing my heartburn any good," said Dracula opening a small packet of tablets and popping some into his mouth.
"Heart burn!" said Frank "the Lord of the un-dead, has heartburn?"
"Yes, I do. When you’ve had as many stakes rammed through your chest as me, you’d have heart burn. Anyway, at least I don’t have a static problem!"
"Watch it Dracky!" said Frank.
"What’s he on about frank" asked the Mummy.
"Tell ‘em!" replied Dracula.
"It’s all the static I have built up in my body from the moment I was created by Dr Frankenstein and all those bloody electrodes. It plays havoc with me. I can’t wear a digital watch. I get a hell of a belt when I step out of a taxi and the TV keeps on switching it’s self over if I sit too near to it"
The mummy placed a hand on Frank’s shoulder and said, "yeah life’s a bitch and then you …sort of go on being un-dead" and they fell about laughing once again.

The muffled tones of a mobile phone seeped from beneath Dracula’s cloak. The vampire whipped the phone to his ear and spoke,
"Prince of Darkness here" he covered the mouth piece with one hand and whispered to the other’s "It’s old Beelzebub, the gaffer"
"Well we’ve just got here boss and it’s a bit rainy, so there’s not many folk about"
"Yes, I know your getting impatient but…"
"Yes boss, ok boss"
Dracula put the phone back in his pocket.
"Nice ring tone Dracky" said the Werewolf.
"Do you like it, it’s the Adam’s Family theme."
"Well what did the boss say?" said The Mummy.
"He just said to get our fingers out. The barbeque is on full and he’s got nothing to grill"
"Doesn’t he realise how hard it is" complained the Werewolf." I only get out once every full moon and nobody wonders the streets anymore. They’re all inside watching Coronation Street or Pop Idol"
"I know where your coming from" replied Frank sympathetically, "last year, I tried to terrify the inhabitants of a small village preparing for their Christmas festivities and ended up as an extra in a TV commercial for hair Gel."
"Times have passed us by lads. We just aren’t scary anymore" said the Mummy contributing to the gloom. "A similar thing happened to me, I ended up on a nationwide poster campaign for road safety, can you believe it?"

The banter continued as they bided their time for an unsuspecting passer by. "Give us another light Dracky" said the Mummy and as he leant over to relight his cigarette his bandages caught fire. Pandemonium ensued as he ran around screaming, "I’M ON FIRE, HELP ME!" The other’s wrestled him to the floor and began stamping on him to put him out. "ARRRRGH!" he screamed as they tried to stamp out the flames but it was no use. Within seconds he’d vanished in a puff of smoke.
"That’s all we need" the Werewolf whined.
"Great fuckin’ start to the evening" complained Frank.
"Alright just calm down" said Dracula, "we need to stay focused here. We haven’t made a kill yet."
"Poor old raggy, it’s just not his day, is it?" said Frank.

At the front of the Pink Flamingo was a street vendor with a kebab stall. The smell of cooking grease was too great a lure for some drunken passers by. Two fruity chaps in seasonal costumes had stopped to procure some sustenance.
"Here’s a likely couple," said Frank peering around the corner. The bolt through his neck - clanking against the steel of a fire escape. "I’ll make a grab for them, you too get ready". As the two jolly boys neared the alleyway heading towards the entrance of the nightclub Frank staggered onto the pavement with arms outstretched in front of him self in full Hammer Horror style. "ARRRRGH!, URRRGH" he roared.
"Oooh! You won’t win any prizes with that costume sweetheart." Said the taller of the two.
"Do you think it’s some kind of fashion statement?" said the other one.
"Yes" the tall man "he’s probably saying, look at me I’ve no dress sense what so ever"
"Ooh you bitch!" said the shorter man and they both rushed passed Frank, laughing haughtily like a couple of mischievous schoolgirls.

Dejected, Frank’s chin dropped to his chest as he walked slowly back into the darkened alley, his head hung low saying "Why do I bother, it’s just no use, I’m not the monster I used to be."
"Right stand back"!" said Dracula "let me show you how it’s done" and he began flapping his cape like a huge moth with a fag hanging out of the corner of his mouth. Then he lunged at man dressed as a pumpkin eating a kebab. Startled; the chap dropped his kebab, Dracula skidded on it - across the pavement and straight into a lamp post face first. There was a loud clang as the vampire hit the metal head on. He ran back into the shadows, hand clasped over his mouth screaming, "bollocks! I’ve chipped a bloody fang…. I’ve chipped a fang"
"Bloody amateur!" said the Werewolf mockingly and then leapt at the man in the pumpkin outfit who was trying to get back onto his feet. The beast and the partygoer wrestled on the pavement. A taxi pulled up and two men got out, one dressed as Elton John in full costume and the other dressed as Lilly Savage. Both immediately gave assistance by spraying hair lacquer into the eyes of the Werewolf. The beast yelped and beat a hasty retreat into the distance. "Bloody strays," said the man in the pumpkin suite being helped to his feet by Lilly Savage. "I know, it’s blood diabolical. They get a pup for Christmas and when it’s fully grown they kick the poor thing out." Elton and Lilly escorted the man in the pumpkin outfit to the entrance of the Pink Flamingo passing through the blockade of bouncers on the door.

"Looks like it’s just you and me then Drac!" said Frank.
Still clutching his mouth in obvious pain the vampire dabbed his mouth with a handkerchief. "Look there’s blood, I’ve been injured, and I’ve broke a fang. How can I suck the blood of young virgins with only one fang?"
"You should sue for industrial injury" said Frank
"I will - I bloody well will – you just see if I don’t" replied Dracula still in a rage.

Suddenly there was a commotion from the front of the Pink Flamingo. Shouting swearing and a rumble of boots grew louder. Frank peered around the corner to witness four Leeds fans running towards him adorned in their team’s colours; including face paint. Within seconds they had reached the edge of the passage and one of them shouted "Here’s another fuckin’ queer" and lashed out at Frank punching him right between the eyes.

Before Frank could respond - the other hooligans were upon him, punching and kicking him to the floor. Dracula entered the melee but was no match for the seasoned thugs. He escaped by changing into a bat and attempting to fly off down the alley but accidentally flew into the air conditioning unit of the night club and was instantly pulverised. He wasn’t the only one. Frank lay on the flood bleeding and battered. The onslaught ended once the sounds of sirens grew nearer and the bullies ran off. A Police van pulled up and eleven policemen got out and grabbed Frank. Thinking he was now saved he was manhandled into the back of the Police vehicle and the beating continued whilst the van screamed off into the distance.

The alley was now empty. Only the drizzle and the moonlight remained. The neon hummed it’s monotone tune, accompanied by the sound of the constant ringing of a mobile phone dropped in the alley by the unfortunate vampire. It rang and rang until it too vanished back into he night. It was all over - for another year.