FOOTBALL: Ultimate Tailgate Survival Guide

With both football seasons, college and football, just getting heated up, it's time to heat something else up. You got it, the good ol' charcoal grill for one of the last traditions left in our great American game of football -- the tailgate party.

Here are the blueprints for what I consider the ultimate tailgate party, as well as some safety tips to keep you, and your fellow football fans in the game, not in the hospital.

Meats:

Cooked meats -- The backbone to the tailgate party are the cooked meats; hamburgers, brauts, hot dogs. Make sure all of these are cooked enough. As we all know, one of the golden rules of cooking is that overcooked is better then undercooked. This leads us to our own personal grill.

Grills range from the petite hibachis to the big dog, the 35,000 BTU propane grill that will make you a tailgate god. If you know there won't be many people there, you don't need a cannon to kill a cat. Go with something small, down the lines of Sunbeam Grillmaster 102, which, at only $20, will give more bang for your buck then your starting quarterback.

I have also seen the other extreme. At my traditional Saturday tailgate outside of Sun Devil Stadium in Tempe, AZ, one person brings a huge propane grill, sets it up in the bed of his pickup truck, and grills burgers for everyone. People walk by, jaws agape, as the attempt to jump start their puny electric grills becomes a forgotten memory.

Also, if you have 50 hamburgers, don't bring 45 buns. Come on people, this is common sense.

Now, sandwich meats. If you are making sandwiches, not matter what their size, make them prior to coming to the stadium. This will save on time, and make less of a mess. Start with your bread or roll, and put put your meats and cheeses on. I recommend a wide variety; ham, turkey, bologna, salami. Cheese is also significant. Cheddar, American, Swiss, Provolone, Monterey Jack and Muenster are on my wish list. The main key here is to just pack the meat, cheese and bread together. Don't put your toppings and condiments yet, wait until the game.

If you put on your toppings and condiments with the meat, common sense tells use the whole thing will get soggy, and no one likes a soggy sandwich. Keep your lettuces, tomatoes, and whatever else you deem necessary in individual zip-lock bags. Now, the condiments.

Don't be skimpy in what you bring. I normally have a little condiments bag with me, holding everything I consider essential. This includes, but is not limited to ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise, salsa, relish, A1, horse sauce, bbq sauce, Tabasco and tartar sauce. Remember, for most of these, especially anything with eggs, you should refrigerate after opening.

Also, don't always automatically go for the store brands. Be brave, make your own. Here's a little recipe for green chili mayonnaise:

Ingredients: ½ cup mayonnaise ½ cup sour cream 1/8 teaspoon oregano 2 green chili pepper, chopped

Mix all together and let refrigerate for an hour

Burgers aren't the only part of the cow that makes tailgating great. Steaks, ranging from T-bones to filet mignons can be seen. This is a true sign of great variety.

The Other Meats:

Chicken -- Fried, Baked, Roasted, Chicken Wings From the sea -- Shrimp, Fish Auxiliary -- Bacon. Bacon is one of those things that if added to your meal, it is guaranteed to make it taste better.

The Rest of the Food

Salads -- Try to steer away from the conventional lettuce salads. I recommends potato and macaroni salad, as well as coleslaw.

Chips -- This is the filler. Once you're done eating the main course, you need something to fill you up now, so you don't have to shell out a week's pay for nachos. Get to basic potato chips, but don't settle for plain. I recommend the old school plain, but also barbecue and sour cream. If you want to be wild, throw in some Jalapeno or Habanero. Don't forget tortilla chips with salsa, cheese puffs, pretzels and popcorn.

Veggies -- When it comes to vegetables, if you can dip it, it's a sure sign that it's good.

Nuts -- Another great thing you can take a handful of and just eat. Go for a good mix of peanuts, cashews, almonds, beer, and pistachio, or combine to make a trail mix.

Drinks -- Drinks can be divided into two fairly simple categories alcoholic and non-alcoholic.

In the alcoholic section, the typical beverage of choice is beer. For the hard core fans, not to mention the hard core drinkers, a keg is expected. Outside of beer, there are other drinks that fit the bill. In the southwest, margaritas are the drink of choice. Some fans also bring wine and wine coolers.

Hoody Alcohol Tip: If you are smuggling beer or other outside distilled beverages, don't do it yourself, get your kids to do it. No security guard would suspect the kids to be boozers, so, they won't be checked. Me and my dad did this more times then I could remember at Giants Stadium in East Rutherford, NJ

Now, for the kids, and the drivers, non alcoholic drinks. Soda, iced tea, and bottled water are the favorites.

Everything Else

Chairs and Tables -- Try to get all those no-good bums you party with to bring their own chairs. Normally, eight would be a good number, along with a decent sized table.

Paperware -- Dude, just because you use napkins and forks doesn't make you any less manly. Plus, your wife won't get mad at you when she has to wash your "F*ck the Cowboys" tee shirt

Fire Gear -- Even if you have all the confidence in the world in your grill, if there is one thing I have learned in my time here is that fire is something you don't mess with. Bring matches, lighters, charcoal, propane, whatever floats your boat.

Also, don't forget about fire safety. Have a fire extinguisher close by in case the grill gets a little to hot, or Uncle Jimbo tries to do the infamous fire eating trick

Food Storage -- You should have two coolers; one for beverages and one for one for meats. Keep these separate. No matter how great it sealed, just your luck, you'll have a nice case of food poisoning. Also, don't use the ice in your meat cooler for beverages.

The Football -- Now, you've just eaten and drinking your fair share of food and alcohol respectably, so, why not throw the pigskin around. Normally, you can get a little three-on-three, two-hand touch game going.

Hoody Football Tip: If it's a big game, I mean a rivalry that rivals the Civil War, don't play with them. Just your luck, two hand will touch will turn into two fists of fury. Your wife won't like the blood stains on the shirt either.

The TV/Radio -- This has a few levels. First, bring the boom box, so you can listen to the pre/post game report, or throw in a little bit of football music (Did someone say Hank Williams Jr.?) Second, the tv. The best you can normally hope for is to steal the 13 inch tv out of your teenage son's bedroom to watch some other coverage from around the league. Just remember to have a power source, since tv sucks with no power. With this, you might as well bust out the Playstation, Dream Cast, or whatever video game system you have, or, like the TV, steal from the same son's room. I recommend Madden 2001 for Playstation, NFL2K1 for Dreamcast, or, if you want to go old school, bust out the Tecmo Football for the old school NES.

Now, the third level, the dish. This will make your tailgate party one of the most visited location in the parking lot, just behind the Port-a-John. Here's how to make it all work. Tell your wife to go out, have a good time, buy yourself a necklace, something down those lines. Once she leaves, take the TV, and dish, and pray she doesn't come home before you do. Now, once at the stadium, set up all your equipment.

There you have it. The ultimate guide to tailgating. This list will give you the advantage over your fellow football fans. Just remember, there is only a four-letter difference between fan and fanatic.