The bizzaro world of Cubs/Sox

By Pete Sweigard Sports Central Columnist

The possibility of a Chicago Cubs-Boston Red Sox World Series has much of the baseball world inanely giddy this postseason. What for years had been relegated to wistful barroom banter galvanized into a growing murmur leading up to Chicago and Boston securing playoff berths.

It seemed too good to be true, too Hollywood. With both teams advancing to the League Championship Series, the mob has grown restless. I can barely mention the word baseball without some fool blurting out, "Wouldn't it just be great if..."

We have entered The Realm of Possibility. As I write this, network executives are attempting to sell their children into slavery if it will help the odds. Cubs and Red Sox gear is popping up around town like highlights in FOX commentator Jeanne Zelasko's hair.

Seeing as we're flirting with some very weird karma, I decided to consult with a number of professional psychics to get a sense of the uncharted waters ahead. It's horrifyingly strange. The alternative sports universe where a Cubs/Red Sox Series exists offered up an array of bizarre scenarios. I've decided to share the least disturbing.

Without further ado, 12 sightings from the Bizzaro World of Cubs/Red Sox. Or, more specifically, what will occur in the coming weeks should God decide, "Wouldn't it be just be great if..."

12. MLB sponsor Radio Shack offers a special promotion during the playoffs: win WUSA tickets for life.

11. Rush Limbaugh sparks controversy again, claiming Marlins skipper Jack McKeon is overrated, because the media is "desirous to have an old, white manager succeed."

10. FOX Sports' Steve Lyons is institutionalized, just because he's so psycho.

9. Cubs hard-throwing reliever Kyle Farnsworth reveals his real father is the Reverend Jimmy Lee Farnsworth from Fletch Lives.

8. At Fenway Park for Game 3 of the ALCS, signed copies of David Wells' autobiography are given to the first 5,000 fans 14-and-under.

7. Calling a Marlins highlight for SportsCenter, ESPN's Stuart Scott actually says, "Pudge was PHAT!"

6. In an act of extremely poor taste, FOX viewers answering the virtual manager question vote for Kerry Woods' wife to take off her clothes.

5. The Sox suddenly quit using their "Cowboy Up" rallying cry, switching to "Dukakis Up," a more appropriate slogan for a franchise from New England. Shaved heads are traded in for unibrows.

4. The Marlins fall apart in the NLCS -- just another classic example of the Curse of Bonilla-Sheffield-Johnson-Alou-Nenn-Leiter- Brown-Conine-Etc., that's plagued this franchise since the 1997 World Series.

3. Tim Hudson and Barry Zito return to Boston's Club Q -- the spot of their altercation during the NLDS -- and inexplicably get in another heated argument, this time with the management. Party-boy Derek Jeter swoops in and smoothes out the misunderstanding. Even George Steinbrenner knows Club Q doesn't take American Express.

2. The decisive ALCS game unexpectedly ends in a tie. Citing the Big 10's Rose Bowl representative rule (in the event of a tie, the school with the longest Rose Bowl drought is selected), Bud Selig sends Boston to the Series. He then expands the all-star rosters.

1. Examination of a Sammy Sosa NLCS bat reveals Iraqi Weapons of Mass Destruction. Baseball HOF officials begrudgingly admit that the midseason inspections of Sosa's Cooperstown bats uncovered the weapons, but they were too busy talking smack on anti-war activist Tim Robbins to notice.

I should mention that Bernie Williams' album also hits platinum. Go with God, sports fans.

Article courtesy of Sports Central.