General: 2002 New Year's resolutions in the sports world

Now that the New Year is upon us, it is time for us to find out what resolutions various sports figures may have made for 2002.

Charles Barkley, TNT basketball analyst: "I am going to come back and play...aw, shucks, never mind, that is too much work."

Randy Moss, wide receiver, Minnesota Vikings: "I will only play whenever I want to." Oops, that is an actual quote, not a resolution.

Jesse Ventura, Governor of Minnesota and former professional wrestler: "I will continue to make Bud Selig look like the idiot he is."

Bud Selig, commissioner of Major League Baseball: "Contraction will happen in 2002...of myself as commissioner."

Johnnie Morton, wide receiver, Detroit Lions: "I will never tell a late night talk show host, especially Jay Leno, to kiss body parts again. I don't need any more farm animals."

Bonzi Wells, guard, Portland Trail Blazers: "Speaking of puckering up, I am going to do some major puckering up with the Portland fans that I alienated this year."

Rob Dibble, ESPN Radio, who had to run around Times Square in a thong with a tattoo of Ichiro's name: "Speaking of asses, I will not be putting MY ass on the line again this year."

Jim Mora, head coach Indianapolis Colts: "Resolution?! Resolution?! You want me to come up with a New Year's Resolution?! I'll be happy just to make it through New Year's. New Year's Eve was just horrible. I dropped the **&#^% champagne glass. Next question."

Darrell Russell, defensive lineman, Oakland Raiders: "Just say no. Just say no."

Lamar Odom, forward, Los Angeles Clippers: "I will not experiment again."

George O'Leary, former head football coach, Georgia Tech and Notre Dame: "I will not hire a resume' writer who was just released from prison."

Tom Brady, quarterback, New England Patriots: "Now that I have proven to be the best Brady AND the best quarterback in New England, I am going to replace Alice in the center square of the opening to the Brady Bunch."

DeShaun Foster, running back, UCLA: "I will buy my own SUV this year with the fat NFL contract I am going to get."

Cory Paus, quarterback, UCLA: "Hi, my name is Cory..."

Steve Bellisari, quarterback, Ohio State: "Hi my name is Steve..."

Arthur Rhodes, pitcher, Seattle Mariners: "I will wear even bigger and shinier earrings this year, and I will let my good friend Omar Vizquel pick them out."

Jerry Jones, owner, Dallas Cowboys: "I admit it. I have no idea what I am doing."

Bill Gramatica, kicker, Arizona Cardinals: "I will no longer jump unless the kick I make is meaningful."

Carmen Policy, president, Cleveland Browns: "I will start a new promotion...the Beer Bottle Fly-Away."

Peyton Manning, quarterback, Indianapolis Colts: "I will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that my younger brother Eli is the best quarterback in the family."

Vince McMahon, co-founder, XFL: "I will stick with wrestling."

Tony Siragusa, defensive lineman, Baltimore Ravens: "Now that I am retiring, I will eat more food at the buffet!"

O.J. Simpson: "I will find the real killer...honest, this year will be the year the real killer is found."

The BCS: "We will screw yet another deserving school out of the 2002 BCS Championship game."

Mike Tyson: "I will eat his children...oh wait, I said that last year. OK, OK, here goes. Since I have won everything there is to win in boxing and will have the title back after I beat Lennox Lewis, I am going to try out for the 2004 Summer Olympics in a new event...Christmas ornament distance toss. Praise be to Allah!"

George Steinbrenner, owner, New York Yankees: "If you can't beat 'em, make sure to steal their best players, even if they have agreed to a contract with someone else."

David Wells, free-agent pitcher: "I will love George Steinbrenner no matter how much he pays me. And I never really did agree to a contract with the Diamondbacks. But, do my performance bonuses have to be called hefty?"

Dan Duquette, general manager, Boston Red Sox (at least as of January 3): "Would you like fries with that?" Oops, that will be what he says in his next job.

Jimy Williams, manager, Houston Astros: "I will add Dan Duquette to my Christmas card list and thank him for getting me out of his hellhole in Boston."

Ken Griffey, Jr, outfielder, Cincinnati Reds: "Just click three times and say 'there's no place like home.'"

Anna Kournikova, women's tennis player: "I will win a tournament in 2002. But, if not, Sergei Fedorov and Pavel Bure can still fight over me."

Danny Almonte, Little League pitcher: "Since saying I was younger than I really am didn't work, do you think the Dodgers will sign me if I say I am 16?"

Pat Riley, head coach, Miami Heat (also as of January 3): "I will use less gel in my hair. I need to start cutting back since I will be unemployed soon and won't be able to afford it anymore."

Bob Whitsitt, general manager, Portland Trail Blazers: "I will win my office fantasy league this year. You say my office doesn't have a fantasy league? Then why else would I have all these players on my team?"

Lloyd McClendon, manager, Pittsburgh Pirates: "I will steal second base this year!"

John Rocker and Carl Everett, teammates, Texas Rangers: "We will try to be model citizens. Just make sure our lockers are on opposite ends of the clubhouse!"

Eric Lindros, center, New York Rangers: "What did you ask me again? I forgot."

Jeff Van Gundy, former head coach, New York Knicks: "I am proud to be the new head coach of the (insert team name of highest bidder here) and will bring them back to prominence."

Jerry Krause, executive vice president, basketball operations, Chicago Bulls: "Is my team young enough to play in an AAU tournament? Oh, sorry, I will continue to prove that Michael Jordan had absolutely nothing to do with our six titles and that I am brilliant!"

Keith Olbermann, former broadcaster, Fox Sports, MSNBC, NBC, ESPN: "I will work in TV again, but will get disinterested within a week."

Kobe Bryant, guard, Los Angeles Lakers: "I will pass the ball more...what? Shaq is hurt? Never mind. I will shoot the ball more."