Peter Aveyard: Ham gan te China like

Former England football star Paul Gascoigne has hit an all time low after signing a £400,000 deal with the second division Chinese club Gansu Tiama, currently at the bottom of their league. Chinese football management consultant Louis Liu criticised Gazza’s fitness and questioned is ability to play a full match. Gazza hit back saying "That’s bollocks man, once you’ve played one game of Chinese football, 20 minutes later you feel like another one… ha ha"

Gazza’s new club is situated in Lanzhou that lies on the edge of the Gobi desert. It has been described as one of the grimmest places in China. "It’s a right s*** ‘ole" quipped Gazza "I feel reet at home here". Downing up to five pints of beer per night Gazza’s new bosses may find their patience wearing thin if he doesn’t start delivering the goods. Gazza, now playing for some second rate Chinese team he must surely have come to the end of the line. Can it get any worse for England’s most talented player of his generation, maybe so. Under new animal welfare regulations farmers are now being encouraged to give their pigs footballs to play with. Leading Vets say that giving them toys to play with makes them happier porkers. Farmers who refused to comply with the new regulations face a fine of up to £2,500. A spokesman for the Department of the Environment, Food and Rural Affairs said, "For many years now vets have been suggesting that you put a football or something to kick around in with the animal." Well maybe there is hope for Gazza in the future if the Chinese deal falls through he may be signed up for Trotter Ham Hotspur. "Oh it’s a great news for us" said club manager Sidney Trotter. "I think we’ll go all the way to the finals this year with Gazza in midfield". Alas we all know Gazza too well and his Porky days are bound to be sweat as well as sour. He can’t lay off the booze and kebabs and it’s just a matter of time before the sports headlines report "Gazza in sausage roll incident" Gazza confesses, "Well I just could na help me self like, those sausage rolls are so tasty. I was sneaking ‘em into me Hotel late at night but some one squealed on me". The Daily Sport would have a photo of a grim faces Sidney Trotter reporting "We knew he wasn’t up to match fitness, we could live with that and even the sausage roll thing but the last straw was eating a bag of pork scratching in the dressing room. It upset quite a few of the lads I can tell you." Has Gazza lost it? Can anyone make a silk purse out of a sows ear?

It doesn’t have to be this way. Time may be running out for Gazza at age 35 but there is great talent in those boots it would be a pity to see him fade away in some pit at the edge of the Gobi desert.