General: Even the pros have New Year's resolutions

Well, I'm back. My three week hiatus has ended and 2003 has arrived.

Rather than reflect on 2002, I'm going to look forward to what promises to be a very entertaining year in sports. (Hey, as long as Shawn Kemp is still getting to paid to be an "athlete," we are all getting the most out of our sports entertainment dollar.)

So what have I been doing these last few weeks? Thinking of New Year's resolutions, that's what. But I'm not going to bore you with my own, so I'll share a few resolutions from some of yours (as well as my) favorite professional athletes and pop culture personalities.

Damon Stoudamire, guard, Portland Trail Blazers.

1. I will stop mixing the kind buds in with the schwag. If I do this again 'Sheed (Rasheed Wallace) is gonna kill me.

2. I will remember to thank fans, friends, and family for all the things they do for me, like lying to police so I can avoid prosecution for the possession of several pounds of marijuana.

Yao Ming, center, Houston Rockets.

I will continue to utilize the slam dunk and offensive rebound as an effective means of crushing capitalism in honor of my beloved communist homeland of China.

Darrell Russell, defensive lineman, Oakland Raiders.

1. I'm going to shelve my burgeoning film career for the time being.

2. And even though this is a crapshoot, I'm going to try to avoid any suspensions from the NFL -- if, and when, they reinstate me from my current suspension.

Steve Phillips, general manager, New York Mets.

1. I'm going to try and continue my railroading of the New York Mets by acquiring as many overweight, washed-up has-beens with drug problems as I possibly can.

2. I'm also going to see if I can add a fourth overpaid and unproductive outfielder to my current stable of Roger Cedeno, Cliff Floyd and Jeromy Burnitz.

Bubba Sparxxx, rapper.

I'm going to do the world a favor and return to obscurity where I belong.

Ben Wallace, center, Detroit Pistons.

I'm going to keep getting more and more muscular and grow an even bigger afro as part of my ongoing attempts to scare the living daylights out of people everywhere.

Tom Berenger, actor.

Well, my ideal New Year's resolution would be to restore some degree of respectability to my once promising acting career. But thanks to "The Junction Boys," we all know that's never going to happen, so I guess I'll try and call Brian Dennehy and see if he wants to become the "Tango & Cash" of ESPN feature films.

Shawn Kemp, center, Orlando Magic.

1. No more turning down any contracts that guarantee me $16 million.

2. No more arrests for cocaine possession.

3. No more kids. I have to remember to try hard at that one.

Randy Moss, wide receiver, Minnesota Vikings.

I'm going to continue to be a clubhouse cancer. Hey, it's gotten me this far and I'm a lot wealthier than you'll ever be.

John Madden, broadcaster, Monday Night Football.

1. I'm going to continue to be the first human being to go through the process of decomposition before I even die.

2. I also plan to continue frightening women and children alike just at the sight of me.

Barry Bonds, outfielder, San Francisco Giants.

1. I'm going to stay true to my current cycles of steroid use as I continue to test the limits of just how big a human being's head can be before it finally explodes.

2. I also plan to alienate fans and teammates alike as I have successfully done throughout my career.

Corey Dillon, running back, Cincinnati Bengals.

I'm going to plan on losing 12-14 games, complaining a lot, collecting my paycheck and not fraternizing with any of my teammates.

Vin Diesel, actor.

Despite my obvious lack of talent, I plan on making more movies and praying that I never have to go back to checking IDs at college bars in the Midwest.

Manute Bol, former NBA star.

I currently have nothing on my plate, but I'll pretty much do anything that sacrifices any respect I might once have earned and/or deserved.

Ruben Patterson, forward, Portland Trail Blazers.

I'll try not to commit any more felonies, but that might be a 2004 kinda thing.

So you see, my loyal readers and friends? Even our favorite athletes and entertainment personalities have little things they need to work on over the next year. I hope you made your resolutions because I know I've made mine. Happy New Year everybody.