Peter Aveyard: Dressed to kill
Nearly a quarter of the British Army is heading for the gulf. They are so desperate for decent boots, clothing and equipment that 55% of soldiers have taken to purchasing their own from mail order companies and high street stores. Somehow it just doesn’t look right engaging the enemy in a shell suit and wellies.
Our proud lads and lasses have acquired the nickname ‘the borrowers’ because they borrow so much from the Americans. I can’t think of a worse scenario than being a soldier sat in a trench about to charge the enemy across a desert with nothing but a pair of flip flops on your feet. "Hold the attack" cries an officer "we still haven’t got the boots we ordered from Empire Stores summer catalogue".
Due to the huge demand for adequate equipment next seasons Freeman’s catalogue has a whole section on combat gear. In a patriotic effort to support the troops, celebrities have been drafted in to do some modelling. Page 171 features Anne Widecome in an NBC suit with David Dickinson looking on sporting desert fatigues and an anti tank weapon. Squaddies will be swapping information on where the best buys are. "Oh I got this anti personnel mine from Empire Stores for only £2.99 per week". Naval officers will consider themselves lucky they can get Tomahawk missiles on a money back guarantee from the Army and Navy stores.
The competition will really heat up once the war gets under way with offers like buy one grenade and get one free. It will be hard for the big name manufacturers to resist this lucrative market. "Going to war, then you need this handy Philips Laser guided bomb. It whizzes, it flies but most of all it blows the f*** out of the enemy. In peace time turn it into a handy coffee table that’s always a talking point at parties. Hurry while stocks last. Only £1.75 million pounds plus VAT". TV adds will be even more unbearable once DFS get in on the act. "We got some fantastic bargains on comfy leather furniture. Take a look at our desert camouflage range. Buy now pay later. 30% off. Offer must end Sunday"
What is this country coming to when we can’t adequately clothe our soldiers. 44% of British Army officers have said they have bought equipment with their own money because the standard issue is either not available or is sub standard. What about the less well off lower ranks, especially the young recruits. Have they been reduced to scouting market stalls and every thing under a pound shops. I can’t imagine a battalion of Ant and Dec look-alikes striking fear into he heart of the enemy. "Oh here they come" laughs the enemy "the first Royal brigade of gangster rappers".
Poor clothing is only the beginning once the lack of equipment reaches a critical stage Ministers are bound to sanction another Private Public Partnership. Cheap Armoured Personnel carriers that are really converted Austin Allegros will be brought in. Tanks manufactured by BMW that can’t fire a shot but have great stereos and air conditioning. Some government think tank is bound to come up with the idea of advertising sponsorship and getting hold of revenue by selling the T.V. viewing rights to Sky. "And now on Sky, the continuing war in Iraq sponsored by Jacobs Cream Crackers, part two, ‘oh crumbs’". Once the programme makers do a soap style make over, the viewing figures will go through the roof. Sergeant Booth is on the radio to Major Patricia Chelsea Thorpington Smite begging for more supplies. "Look Pat I need boots for the lads"
"No Boothy, you know we only have high heel shoes and gorilla feet slippers left"
"But Pat we gotta av em, Pat, Pat, Paaaaat"
"No Boothy, I’ve told you, the choice is yours"
"Alright Pat I’ll take the gorilla feet, my lads would look daft in high heels. Meet me down the caf later?"
"Alright Boothy but your paying" Cue a commercial break. This is the reality and future of modern warfare as far as Britain is concerned. Why use tax payers money when you can bring in private sponsorship. Then the government can feel satisfied they’ve managed to maintain our defensive capability whilst saving the tax payer large sums of money. Then all they have to do is find something to squander it on like propping up another privately owned company that takes the profit but not the risks, as is the usual case. Saddam Hussein may be a pathological murdering coward but at least his troops have decent boots on their feet.
Our proud lads and lasses have acquired the nickname ‘the borrowers’ because they borrow so much from the Americans. I can’t think of a worse scenario than being a soldier sat in a trench about to charge the enemy across a desert with nothing but a pair of flip flops on your feet. "Hold the attack" cries an officer "we still haven’t got the boots we ordered from Empire Stores summer catalogue".
Due to the huge demand for adequate equipment next seasons Freeman’s catalogue has a whole section on combat gear. In a patriotic effort to support the troops, celebrities have been drafted in to do some modelling. Page 171 features Anne Widecome in an NBC suit with David Dickinson looking on sporting desert fatigues and an anti tank weapon. Squaddies will be swapping information on where the best buys are. "Oh I got this anti personnel mine from Empire Stores for only £2.99 per week". Naval officers will consider themselves lucky they can get Tomahawk missiles on a money back guarantee from the Army and Navy stores.
The competition will really heat up once the war gets under way with offers like buy one grenade and get one free. It will be hard for the big name manufacturers to resist this lucrative market. "Going to war, then you need this handy Philips Laser guided bomb. It whizzes, it flies but most of all it blows the f*** out of the enemy. In peace time turn it into a handy coffee table that’s always a talking point at parties. Hurry while stocks last. Only £1.75 million pounds plus VAT". TV adds will be even more unbearable once DFS get in on the act. "We got some fantastic bargains on comfy leather furniture. Take a look at our desert camouflage range. Buy now pay later. 30% off. Offer must end Sunday"
What is this country coming to when we can’t adequately clothe our soldiers. 44% of British Army officers have said they have bought equipment with their own money because the standard issue is either not available or is sub standard. What about the less well off lower ranks, especially the young recruits. Have they been reduced to scouting market stalls and every thing under a pound shops. I can’t imagine a battalion of Ant and Dec look-alikes striking fear into he heart of the enemy. "Oh here they come" laughs the enemy "the first Royal brigade of gangster rappers".
Poor clothing is only the beginning once the lack of equipment reaches a critical stage Ministers are bound to sanction another Private Public Partnership. Cheap Armoured Personnel carriers that are really converted Austin Allegros will be brought in. Tanks manufactured by BMW that can’t fire a shot but have great stereos and air conditioning. Some government think tank is bound to come up with the idea of advertising sponsorship and getting hold of revenue by selling the T.V. viewing rights to Sky. "And now on Sky, the continuing war in Iraq sponsored by Jacobs Cream Crackers, part two, ‘oh crumbs’". Once the programme makers do a soap style make over, the viewing figures will go through the roof. Sergeant Booth is on the radio to Major Patricia Chelsea Thorpington Smite begging for more supplies. "Look Pat I need boots for the lads"
"No Boothy, you know we only have high heel shoes and gorilla feet slippers left"
"But Pat we gotta av em, Pat, Pat, Paaaaat"
"No Boothy, I’ve told you, the choice is yours"
"Alright Pat I’ll take the gorilla feet, my lads would look daft in high heels. Meet me down the caf later?"
"Alright Boothy but your paying" Cue a commercial break. This is the reality and future of modern warfare as far as Britain is concerned. Why use tax payers money when you can bring in private sponsorship. Then the government can feel satisfied they’ve managed to maintain our defensive capability whilst saving the tax payer large sums of money. Then all they have to do is find something to squander it on like propping up another privately owned company that takes the profit but not the risks, as is the usual case. Saddam Hussein may be a pathological murdering coward but at least his troops have decent boots on their feet.
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