Portland blazing trail towards the cellar

The Portland Trail Blazers hit rock-bottom Tuesday night. In the NBA, that's the equivalent of losing to the Los Angeles Clippers.

Oh, the Clippers are better this season, but it's still the Clippers.

In years past, the Blazers owned the Clippers. But, the Clippers turned the tables on this night, beating the Blazers in overtime, 103-96.

Sure, Rasheed Wallace sat out and is still nursing an ankle injury, but that's not an excuse for the way the team has been performing lately.

The Blazers just plain stink.

At this point, one of the following two things MUST happen if the Blazers hope to make the playoffs this season:

1. NBA commissioner David Stern declares that 12 teams from each conference make the playoffs.

or

2. David Copperfield (the magician/illusionist) waves a magic wand and changes the Blazers into the Sacramento Kings.

At this point, Copperfield's sorcery seems like the likeliest scenario.

What? You don't think Copperfield is capable of helping the Blazers out with a little, good old-fashioned, old-world sorcery? He got Claudia Schiffer, didn't he?

If you're a Trail Blazers fan, it's time to push the panic button.

It's becoming increasingly clear that the Blazers will miss the playoffs for the first time since 1982. Their win-loss record stands at an abysmal 16-20, which places them 12th out of 14 Western Conference teams.

I haven't even mentioned the road woes yet. We can't forget those.

Right now, the Blazers are 2-15 on the road. They have the worst road record in the NBA, and unfortunately for those of us living in Portland, most of the road games are televised.

Believe me when I tell you that these games are starting to make me feel like I've got hemorrhoids. In other words, I can't sit through them. I'd rather watch the Antiques Roadshow on PBS rather than sit through the horror of the Blazers roadshow. It's downright offensive the way the Blazers play defense on the road. In fact, their offense is getting pretty offensive too.

The Blazers are disintegrating and there's not a doggone thing that anybody can do about it. Oh, the players say all the right things after losing a game. Stuff like, "we didn't play hard," or "I don't know what's wrong with us," or "we need to get things fixed real soon or we won't make the playoffs."

Blah, blah, blah.

I'm going to start calling them the Blah Blah Blazers.

The post game comments are beginning to sound a lot like a broken record. Everybody complains about the losing, but the next night when they're out on the court, the Blazers put out the same lame effort, and then they're left to complain about losing another game.

Blazers general manager John Nash understands all of this, and apparently, he must feel like he's got hemorrhoids too because he's not sitting around on his keister. He's been working the telephones harder than an AT&T long-distance telemarketer.

I hear Nash has pitched so many deals that the other general managers in the NBA are starting to refer to him as "Monty Hall." I wonder if Nash is dressed up in a chicken suit while he's playing "Let's Make a Deal" over the phone.

You see, Hall used to host a 1970's game show called "Let's Make a Deal," and the studio audience would dress up in wacky costumes, and ... never mind. It's not so funny when I have to explain it, is it? You get the point though.

After miserable performances the last two weeks in Seattle (where the Blazers lost after blowing a 23-point lead), Minnesota (where the T-Wolves ran roughshod over the Blazers' shoddy defense), Toronto (where the Raptors ran roughshod over the Blazers shoddy offense), and even in Portland against Denver, it appears Nash has seen enough and is talking trades with a number of teams.

Wallace is the carrot that Nash has been dangling in front of other teams, and there is no shortage of rumors about where Wallace might be headed before the February 19th trading deadline.

Depending on the source, Wallace could be on his way to New York (in a package deal for any number of players, which would probably include either Kurt Thomas or Keith Van Horn), Dallas (along with another Blazer for Michael Finley and Antawn Jamison), Phoenix (for Shawn Marion), Philadelphia (for Allen Iverson), or Atlanta (for Theo Ratliff and possibly Jason Terry).

The latter deal with Atlanta would have to include add-on players to make the financials work, but a deal could be worked out. In fact, most of the deals bandied about would require including add-ons to make the financials work.

Some thought a deal was going down with the Knicks when Wallace was scratched from the Blazers' lineup prior to the game against Chicago on Friday night, but it turned out that Wallace was being held out because of a bum ankle.

(I'd like to point out in this parenthetical aside that the Blazers beat the Bulls Friday night for their second road win of the season. Unfortunately, the win was sandwiched between lackluster performances at Minnesota and Toronto.)

Most of the trade scenarios involving the Knicks probably don't fit into Portland's fiscal plans, and the Philly deal for AI sounds like pure fantasy to me. However, a number of sources seem to think Wallace may be headed to Dallas in some type of package deal, and it makes sense that the Mavericks might be looking to deal since their season seems to be fading almost as fast as Portland's.

Mavericks owner Mark Cuban insists that a deal is not imminent, but admitted he might bite if the right deal were to be offered by Nash.

"They'd have to make us a sweetheart deal that we couldn't say no to," Cuban said. "No reason to change unless there's something that's a great deal."

Nash, who was on the Jim Rome radio show on Tuesday, said he is trying to deal Wallace, but he hasn't pulled the trigger because the deals on the table are not yet good enough at this point. Nash added that as the trade deadline approaches, the offers for Wallace should get better.

I'm not really sure what kind of deal Nash is waiting for. He's obviously not going to be offered Tracy McGrady or Kobe Bryant.

With the Blazers' season heading south in a hurry, it would benefit the Blazers to get something for Wallace now before he walks this summer. If he walks, the Blazers benefit salary cap-wise, but they'll have nothing to show for the so-called "franchise player" they stand to lose.

A sign-and-trade deal is also a possibility if the Blazers wait until the summer, but why wait?

Yet another scenario being talked about is that Wallace re-signs with the Blazers and stays in Portland.

If that happens, maybe Copperfield could make Wallace disappear.