Space Exploration

Extracts of exploration and communication logs

June 11:
Control: French crew please report any findings.

French : Bonjour, today we have learned that the region we have been surveying is in-fact a frozen ocean just below the surface of dust. This could be the key to life on Mars.

Control: This is excellent news. We look forward to receiving your instrument readings.

German: Guten Tag. We have detected water with our excellently engineered German instruments, and we are confident that we shall discover some form of life.

Control: Well done Germany. Please send your data.

June 19:
Control: Italian crew please report

Italian : Ciao! Our French comrades are correct. But they have failed to notice micro organism fossils near an ancient sea shore. We are the first to find signs of life on Mars.

French : Non! The Italians are mistaken, a proper inspection reveals they are a natural geological phenomenon.

Control: Anything to report Britain?

British: Absolutely old chap. We have discovered living fungus growing on a rock near a cave. Another Great British discovery.

French: So what? We discovered a real ocean with waves and everything. Voila!

Control: What? An ocean?

French: Oui

Control: Incredible! Are you sure? NASA has mapped every inch of the Martian surface and we haven’t seen anything.

French: I assure you monsieur that this is indeed true, and the greatest discovery of all time – made by French men.

The sound of the French national anthem can be heard playing loudly in the background

Control: Ok well get the images and data to us pronto.

NEWS HEADLINE: Fantastique! French explorers discover living ocean on mars.

July 30
German: We have successfully captured and eated a fish like creature that we caught whilst sailing a boat we made from palm trees growing at the shore line of the ocean previously discovered by our French colleagues. This is only possible due to German ingenuity.

WORLD NEWS: Germans discover, and eat, Martian aquatic life form – and live to tell the tale.

Control: This is control to all Euro crews. We still haven’t received any of you instrument readings to verify your discoveries. Please run diagnostics and report.

August 3:
French: Today we captured a space monkey, and we have trained him to wash the windows of our command module. We have named him Gilbert. Viva la France!

August 10:
British : Well we have discovered a tribe of stone-age-like people called the Red People. After exchanging pleasantries Nigel was offered the hand of the chief’s daughter in marriage. The wedding is on Saturday after a brief game of cricket.

French: Gilbert is now fully trained as a wine waiter.

Italian: But can he sing like the strange Martian bird I have captured. She has the voice of an angel. Bellissimo!

French: Of course, Gilbert can also play the piano, why only last night he performed Chopin’s piano concerto number 2 in F minor. Cooked a gourmet meal and recited Shakespeare. I was so impressed – I was moved to tears.

British: The Red Folk have offered us the land they occupy as a gesture of goodwill so we have named it New Ilkley. God save the Queen!.

August 12:
Italian We too have discovered native peoples and they visit our coffee shop every day. Luigi has opened a scooter hire centre and I have been voted best dressed explorer of the year.

August 15:
French Today Gilbert led us to New Ilkley and the native peoples insist on being governed by France. In a show of allegiance they are already fluent in the French language as well as cultivating garlic and the production of brie. They make a very good Cabernet Sauvignon.

August 17: German
We have invaded New Ilkley.

August 18: Mission control
The mission has been aborted all crews return to the mother ship, I repeat, the mission is aborted.

August 18: French
Non!