| Name |
Views and Comments | Date |
| pain-ridden |
I am going through this very thing with my husband of 16 years. Last week, an old female friend of his contacted him out of the blue (thank you social networking sites...not!). They were very close friends in high school and college but never had a sexual relationship. They talked about getting married at one point when they were in college to help each other escape bad situations, but something happened and the relationship fell apart.
Until last week, they hadn't had contact in 18 years. Now he's emailing her several times throughout the day and talking to her on the phone at least once a day.
I'm ashamed to admit that I've peeked at some of the emails. He tells her that though they lost time, he never lost his love for her and she reciprocated.
I fear that I'm losing him even though he has assured me that she's just a close friend, her tone in the emails suggest that she's looking for something more. She told him that he ruined her dating life because she measures all other guys against him and the pale in comparison.
In addition, she went through a nasty divorce a year or 2 ago and has been in a deep depression ever since. I'm sure he feels like she needs him.
I'm thinking right now, she's flattering him and makes him feel needed. Maybe he'll get tired of her manipulation and neediness...but I fear not.
It's the history that worries me most. Like he's actually always been in love with her and now that she's back in his life, he doesn't need me anymore. |
5/20/2009 |
| Lost n Illinois |
I am currently going through this very situation. My wife and I were going through a rough spot. I had been very distant especially after losing my mother suddenly and then my grandfather two months later. On top of that, my wife has been taking meds for PPD since our first son was born. She would run out of them and not get her refill for weeks or months. She was hell to live with. So by and by, I kept my distance. I had to love her from afar. Eggshells littered our floors. A few weeks ago she said she needed time apart and I was devastated. I just knew I was losing her and my baby boys. I cried a lot and begged her not to go, tried to make her feel guilty, tried to make her feel sorry for me. Well she left anyway. She was gone for nearly a week(i talked to her quite a bit) before she came back so we could shop and plan a little party for my youngests first bday. The night of the birthday she said she was leaving again. Said she loves me but isn't in love with me. I had been drinking some wine and got very angry and threw the glass. Not at her. She wasn't even in the room and our babies were sleeping soundly. I begged and pleaded and cried. I was very distraught. I ws losing the love of my life and my babies. I lost control like a rat in a cage I threatened to jump out the window and even to kill myself. Which was very silly and stupid. I would never do that to my boys. They were empty threats. So she left and I left to blow off some steam. After driving about 400 miles I ended up meeting up with her. I took my oldest boy with me to lighten her load. I went to stay with a friend. I couldn't help the feeling that there was something more to her leaving. So with little to lose, I started snooping in her email and found a conversation between her and another man. I read it thoroughly and discovered that they had kissed that day I think. They were also talking about their plans for spending the night together and consummating their relationship very explicitly. At that point, I was furious. The sadness and helplessness and feelings of guilt melted away. I still wanted to save our marriage, but I had a whole new perspective. BTW I made sure everyone she knew saw that email and it devastated her. She is very ashamed and it was a huge reality check about how wrong she was to d what she had done. She has been talking to him for a year casually and she tells me that their talk only turned serious the last few weeks. Well we have a long talk and she seems interested in patching it up with me. I told her that I culd forgive a kiss. But they had also professed their love for one another so that's where the emotional part comes in. She wants to try to work things out with us but she has no intinate feelings for me. She tells me she is in love with him and feels like thw have always had a connection. They went to highschool together. A few other conversations hae taken place, but here is where we are right now. She told me she would stay with me for the kids. I told her that if she stayed she couldn't have a relationship with him. But she is hesitant to stop talking to him. I am at the point where I want this madness to be over. Either we get divorced or work things out. So I tell her that ill not have her stay here feeling like a prisoner just because she don't want to beaway from the kids. I tell her that she can take them and go. I love my wife very much and I can't stand for her to be unhappy and stuck here. So we pack up the kids and she takes off. She has plenty of places to stay and the "other guy" even offered to put her up in a hotel. I wuld have done the same but we are broke. 20 minutes later she calls me and says she wants to come back. Says she don't want to say with so and so and we can't afford a hotel. I mentioned that he would pay for one and she said he offered but she refused. So she come back home and we lay down together and talk. She says she just can't bring herself to leave me. BAMM... what a shock. Its not just the kids afterall. There is a part of her that wants to be with me. But she is emotionally attached to him. I told her that I am tired of fighting for her and I want her to stay more than anything in the world. Especially if she wants to be here. But I told her that there can't be three of us..well 4 if you count his wife. What a mess. I told her either to go and its over or stay and its over with him...no talking and chatting and emailing him behind my back. I told her to call him right in front of me and tell him that she wasn't just staying her for the kids but bc she wants to work itout with me and that he needs to leave her alone. Well she called him but only said that she couldn't talk to him anymore andleft out the part about her wanting to work it out with me. I guess its a start. I have kept my temper very well and kept my emotions in check since I found out about them. I let her know that she don't need to feel like she has to stay here to be with the kids. So if she is staying now..with nothing to hold her here but her feelings for me and her want to reconcile, then I have hope. I am trying to handle her need to keep in touch with him now. I don't want to screw up and drive her away by handling this badly. I think we have a shot. |
2/16/2009 |
| Confused |
I have a friend in this same situation, and she left after she found out that her husband was telling another woman he loves her, yet he doesn't tell his own wife that. For years I have been telling her not to leave, but this time I didn't try to stop her. Her mind was made up anyway. When emotional infidelity goes on for years, what are you suppose to do. How can you stay with someone who doesn't love you. |
8/23/2006 |
| chris |
what you do when husband is more committed, to his parents than wife also emotionally |
8/11/2006 |
| kathy |
How long do you wait? |
5/18/2006 |
| Kathy |
I believe this to be true, you can't change them, they have to want you again. But when you are the one left at home with the kids while he is meeting her and other friends, sharing his favorite hobby, it's hard to left and be quite. |
5/18/2006 |
| worried at home |
wow. very clear, simple and i think sound. |
8/13/2005 | |
