Wishes in the Darkness

I have countless birthday wishes.

To see you,
Hear your voice,
Touch your face,
Hold you close.

I lock the door, shut my eyes
And pretend that in the darkness
You are with me.

The darkness soothes.

The darkness
Traps my thoughts,
Dulls the pain,
Understands this solitude.

The darkness frees me
To face my shadows.

The darkness
Covers my shame,
Accepts my longing for you.

The darkness will not judge me.

I have countless
Birthday wishes.

To claim you.
To be the one
To deserve you.

For you,
I want to be beautiful.
And perfect.
And true.

For you, I wish I am
Much more than what I am,
Much more than what I could be.

For you,
I would endure anything –
Even the pain
Of setting you free.

I have countless birthday wishes.

I want to hear you say
You love me,
And not feel guilt,
Or shame.

I want to hear you say
You love me,
And believe it.

Among my birthday wishes are
To hear you say
You love me,
And hear myself
Say, ‘I love you.’

I want to hear you say
‘I love you’
Without the pain we feel
Every time you do.

The darkness is good.
It comforts me,
Shields me,
From the reality
Of not having you.

This emptiness
Goes well with darkness;
This passion, this longing,
Belongs with silence.

Whatever bittersweet memories
Of you I have,
However deep my yearnings are –
The darkness can contain these.

The darkness can contain these,
Embrace me,
And not bring shame.
The silence can contain these,
Whisper back in my ear,
And not inflict pain.

The darkness disembodies,
The silence surrounds,

In here, I cannot be found.

I have countless birthday wishes,
And none of them can come true;
I have countless birthday wishes,
But all my wishes have to do with you.