Why Did You Leave Me? Chapter 13

I moved on, eventually. The big pain in my chest never really disappeared but it got better. With Benny, I survived. But I still avoided anything and everything that would remind me of...him.

Time passed. One month after another, it flew past me. School was over now, thank god. On the downside, I had too much time to myself. When I was alone the pain returned with full force. I yearned for Benny's arms every day.

As usual, I made my way down to the shore. It was sort of a routine for me now. I walked around the beach with my bare foot, trying not to pay attention to the couples around me. I stared out mindlessly, thinking of nothing in particular. When my legs got tired, I lied down on the soft sand and closed my eyes. I tried so hard to keep my mind blank, focusing only on the warm wind brushing my hair and the warmth of the sun.

"Please, April. Just let go," Ryan's velvet soft voice echoed in my head. Some part of me realized I was dreaming, but I didn't want to wake up. Ever.

I looked up at his beautiful navy blue eyes. I smiled and gently traced the contours of his perfect face with the tip of my fingers.

I shook my head no stubbornly to what he just said to me, trying only to focus on the sound of his voice, not his words.

His face was hard with agony, which made it perfectly clear that this was a dream. Because if it was real, Ryan wouldn't look so agonized over me. He didn't love me anymore. I realized that now. Through all the months of his absence, the fact that he lost interest in me finally got through my thick skull. I was stupid and dense to have believed his words...

"I can't and I'm not, coming back! Just be happy with Benny...please," He took both of my hands in his and kissed them softly. "I'm so sorry. You deserve better than this, better than me."

I was furious now. All the pain in my heart turned to anger and hate.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T? If you don't love me, just say so! I'm in pain Ryan...I don't want to live like this anymore...I can't take it!!" The tears spilled endlessly.

How was one heart supposed to take so much pain? Every minute and second of the day, I was battling with myself. Only to lose miserably at night.

"I'm so sorry, April. I'm so sorry." He whispered in my ear. Suddenly, I could feel a big gust of wind. When I looked up, Ryan was fading away with the wind.

"NO, RYAN! PLEASE STAY! PLEASE!" My knees started to quiver and my heart started to pound faster and faster in uneven rhythms.

"I'll love you forever. Your hold on me will never fade. I miss you, love." A faint echo filled my head again. Then I was awake.

This dream was too real. I shouldn’t have thought about him. The pain would just increase that much more tonight. I needed to get a hold on myself. All this hard work of pressing the thoughts about…Ryan away from my head had failed miserably because of one dream. I had to do better than this. I owed myself and Benny much more.

It took away so much energy just to live through a day without reminders of him. I was no fun anymore. It was like my own personal hell had come to swallow me in.

When I finally looked up, the sun was half hidden behind the ocean. The sky was a strange purple color and it frightened me. A big storm was coming, I could feel it.

I dragged my feet across the beach and finally, I reached my car. I got in, shoved the keys into the ignition, and slammed hard on the gas all in a matter of seconds. I raced through the small town, trying so very hard to concentrate only on the speed of the car and not the dream.

Because of my unreasonable speed, I got home in less than five minutes. I jumped out of the car, happy to see Benny’s convertible in my driveway.

It wasn’t so hard to act normal when I was around Benny…

I threw the door open, expecting to see Benny on my couch like I always did. I was dead wrong this time.

"WHY ARE YOU HERE?! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? IT'S NOT HEALTHY FOR HER TO BE AROUND YOU!" I heard Benny’s booming voice, filled with venom, coming from the kitchen.

"I can explain, Benny. Please just listen to me!" That voice...It was his voice. I dropped my beach towel with a small thud. The world had stopped spinning for a short second. No, it couldn’t be. I must be dreaming again, I thought. But it didn’t matter. I would give anything to see and hear him again. Just to be with him…

Pathetic? I know…

Psychotic? Probably...

I raced through my living room, tripping over my own feet, trying to get to the kitchen as fast as I could. And there he was. His deep blue eyes burning with agony, dirty blond hair tousled up, and his stance defensive. His expression reflected my pain perfectly.

I was going crazy wasn’t I? I must have finally lost it, but I couldn’t care anymore. He was here, with me and Benny, and that’s all that matters, right?

I'm not sure if I want to finish this story. Please comment and tell me what you think.