Why Did You Leave Me? Chapter 12

It made no sense. How could the world still be revolving when I was in so much pain? What did I do to deserve this...? I just didn't get it.

But life moves on, even when you think it would be impossible.

I went back to being a zombie. Most of the time, I was empty. Feeling, hearing, seeing absolutely nothing. I went to school, I didn't talk and I came back home. The routine never stopped.

I was grateful for this. I didn't need to break down in front of everyone. Benny was the only who actually tried to bring the light back into me. He failed miserably but he never gave up. Everyday, every time I look besides me, he is there. And I know he's the one person who I can trust my heart with, that he will stay no matter what happens.

But at night, it was different. It was like living through a nightmare every night. The worst part was, Benny suffered right along with me. One part of me wanted him to stay away, but I knew I needed him more than I needed air.

I knew how he felt about me, but I knew how I felt about him also. He was my best friend, the one person who would understand me more than I understand myself. I knew if I had to, I would die for him with no regrets. But the person I grieved for every night, he was more than that. This love I had with him, it was much too strong for me to just move on. No, I couldn't do that. This was no high school crush.

This was l o v e.

Ryan was my sun and Benny was my moon. Right now, the sun was gone and I couldn't breathe. It had disappeared and I couldn't find him. I was dying slowly but he wouldn't come back.

Why did he lie to me?

But because of that little note, that little promise, I still had a spurt of hope in me that was waiting for him. It was what kept me moving. It was that hope and Benny that made me wake up in the morning.
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I was still awake, the tears stopped now, and I was lying in Benny's arm yet again.

I rolled on to my sides and saw Benny was awake,

"I'm so sorry you had to see that." I whispered just like I do every night, and I meant it, too. It was horrible.

Every night, when the sun goes down and the stars are out, I cry. My heart beats in weird rhythms and my breathing becomes hard. I cry and cry, not knowing what else to do, with Benny holding me. Even with Benny there, I felt so alone in this world. I felt used. I felt like I was just another trash that have been thrown away. I felt betrayed, but I felt no hate against Ryan. No, I could never hate him no matter how much I tried.

Benny shook his head and when he opened his eyes, I saw pain reflected in them.

"April, honey, this isn't healthy. You know that." He murmured into my hair. "It's been months. Please, don't do this to yourself again."

I could feel another wave of sorrow coming on. Yes, it has been months. Yet he didn't come back.

"Maybe something urgent happened. Maybe he still loves me like he said he did. I can't just move on. There's hope, Benny, there's hope."