Whitney - (ONE)
I had always liked boys, I mean at least as far back as I could remember. Or have I? I'm seventeen now, and since my last boyfriend my life has been a mess with relationships. I mean hell, it still is. I find myself cruising through life, searching for the "one", maybe its possible I've found it already. But to me, it's not your typical prince charming, it's a beautiful princess.
My last boyfriend was Shane, okay this boy was a trip. He has huge gauges, lip/tongue/ear piercings, a muscular small scene/emo Mexican looking kid. Well..he was adorable. I had originally met him through a friend two years ago. We were at my youth group and I'm not really sure but I basically fell in love with the way he worshiped, and yes again this in itself sounds crazy. We were both Jesus lovers, and that grew me close to him. We lasted maybe two months off and on, until I finally broke everything off. And like all my relationships, the reasoning was never certain. I'd find myself either distracted, lonely, confused, and always a wrong gut feeling.
You know how people get butterflies in their tummies, and they feel all giddy inside about someone or something. Well I get those, and I love them..but I find those cute fluttering things have turned into monsters...and those well they are my monsterflies. And I get those when I don't feel comfortable or something must be wrong.
Life has been hard for me, I've grown up with divorced parents, and a split family. Both my parents remarried, and it's been heartache ever since. I usually try to be a strong person, but the truth is...I'm lonely, bitter, heart-broken, depressed and seriously the weakest person there is. I've cried myself to sleep so many nights, and woken up crying because I know the problems never left. Finding yourself is never as easy as the movies make it out to be, I mean...life really sucks. Trying to find whoever you are, is a challenge, a huge one at that. So many variables, I mean what if I go out with this guy..or cut my hair this way...or kiss this girl.
I'm seventeen, and my name is Whitney. I consider myself bisexual I assume, but honestly I don't like the sound it gives off. I was raised in the church, and a strict Christan-Seventh Day Adventist. I was never really sure about anything, especially since Mommy said one thing and daddy said another. It's been really tough. I know I love God, wherever he is. I mean I believe in him at least. But if he won't accept me the way he made me, then do I really want any part of him? Okay back on story...I am a senior this year, and moved about three months ago. It is November 20th, and I'm writing this at approximately 12:30 A.M. I come from Sacramento area to a small little town with less than 2000 people. I love the town, but hate the people. One thing you should know about me, I'm not a mean person...I love so much. I possibly have the biggest heart around, I just tend to get bitter sometimes. And grudges are in fact, my weakness. I live in a really small house, only two bedrooms, with my mom my little brother and sister. My mom has the first room and the kids share the second towards the back of the house. We call it Butterfly Cottage, and this place really does have a way of making me smile. A river flows behind our house, and we're hoping for snow sometime soon. I do love the cold weather.
I forgot to mention...I don't have a room of my own. I sleep on a small couch in the living room. My clothes are still partly in boxes, because I'd rather it stay that way. I don't want to completely move in yet. I don't want to get comfortable here. Because everything will change in a year or so anyway.
I'm not okay, I cry all the time, I sleep on a couch, and my name is Whitney. Don't forget my name. It's a beautiful name...I think. Although it's not my real name, it's the name of a girl I want to be. No, not anyone specifically, just a name that I'd put an imaginary "myself" to. She would be perfect. She would be me, if I could change things.
You know how people get butterflies in their tummies, and they feel all giddy inside about someone or something. Well I get those, and I love them..but I find those cute fluttering things have turned into monsters...and those well they are my monsterflies. And I get those when I don't feel comfortable or something must be wrong.
Life has been hard for me, I've grown up with divorced parents, and a split family. Both my parents remarried, and it's been heartache ever since. I usually try to be a strong person, but the truth is...I'm lonely, bitter, heart-broken, depressed and seriously the weakest person there is. I've cried myself to sleep so many nights, and woken up crying because I know the problems never left. Finding yourself is never as easy as the movies make it out to be, I mean...life really sucks. Trying to find whoever you are, is a challenge, a huge one at that. So many variables, I mean what if I go out with this guy..or cut my hair this way...or kiss this girl.
I'm seventeen, and my name is Whitney. I consider myself bisexual I assume, but honestly I don't like the sound it gives off. I was raised in the church, and a strict Christan-Seventh Day Adventist. I was never really sure about anything, especially since Mommy said one thing and daddy said another. It's been really tough. I know I love God, wherever he is. I mean I believe in him at least. But if he won't accept me the way he made me, then do I really want any part of him? Okay back on story...I am a senior this year, and moved about three months ago. It is November 20th, and I'm writing this at approximately 12:30 A.M. I come from Sacramento area to a small little town with less than 2000 people. I love the town, but hate the people. One thing you should know about me, I'm not a mean person...I love so much. I possibly have the biggest heart around, I just tend to get bitter sometimes. And grudges are in fact, my weakness. I live in a really small house, only two bedrooms, with my mom my little brother and sister. My mom has the first room and the kids share the second towards the back of the house. We call it Butterfly Cottage, and this place really does have a way of making me smile. A river flows behind our house, and we're hoping for snow sometime soon. I do love the cold weather.
I forgot to mention...I don't have a room of my own. I sleep on a small couch in the living room. My clothes are still partly in boxes, because I'd rather it stay that way. I don't want to completely move in yet. I don't want to get comfortable here. Because everything will change in a year or so anyway.
I'm not okay, I cry all the time, I sleep on a couch, and my name is Whitney. Don't forget my name. It's a beautiful name...I think. Although it's not my real name, it's the name of a girl I want to be. No, not anyone specifically, just a name that I'd put an imaginary "myself" to. She would be perfect. She would be me, if I could change things.
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