When You Were Young And Your Heart Was An Open Book 2

The bats settled, previews began and at the very last moment an usher seated an appropriately proportioned man directly in front of me. I was thankful for his abundant love of Brut cologne because that was my salvation. I leaned forward in my seat, inhaled the average man’s cologne and sipped my soda. I was anxious for the movie to begin.

There had been a tremendous amount of hype surrounding the Paul McCartney and Wings song and I couldn’t wait to hear it blasting away at me in Dolby Stereo. I knew all the words and I was prepared to sing the theme song loudly In My Head.

The theatre rumbled as the music started and Ken’s newest pitfall presented itself. Apparently the fizz of the soda was causing Ken to burp. Did he try to hide the burping? No, the burp was more Dolby than the Dolby Stereo.

When God grants so many of life’s challenges to one individual, you think God might have been omnipotent enough to up the ante in the self awareness department regarding personal hygiene.

What kind of man would eat onions prior to a date? Ken from up nort’, that’s who. Yes, I swore I wasn’t going to tell you this part because it would seem like I was mocking him but he said he was from up nort’, like with a silent "h".

Uh huh, just when I think it can’t get any worse than under arm odor I was confronted with bad breath from raw onions. Seriously, it is one thing to be in the kitchen with someone who was frying onions and have that scent remain on your clothing. Even at fifteen I could comprehend second hand kitchen odor, but to knowingly serve yourself a slice of raw onion prior to a date? After you declared that there will be a kiss attached to that date?

My first thought was not only did this guy smell like body odor and raw onion, this man reeks of self-confidence. Yes, I was young and my heart was an open book, but not young enough to have that thought linger in my head too long. I had a fleeting thought that this might be the smell of arrogance. And by fleeting, I mean faster than bat crap can fall from a theatre ceiling, fleeting.

And my next thought was the most accurate thought. In My Head, the guy just plain stunk stupid.

I needed a plan. The movie was extremely sophisticated with an incredibly intense sound track. I was unable to follow the plot line because it involved the forbidden world of tarot cards, voodoo, drug lords, heroin all woven together with hungry crocodiles, turbo-charged speedboats, perhaps an airplane or two and way too much Caribbean accent. Besides, I was already going to hell because I was at a movie with a boy and my mom didn’t know it. I detached myself from the on screen action. I needed to think. No way was I getting kissed by Ken from up nort’. I didn’t care how close I was to sixteen.

The movie ended, no one moved because Paul McCartney was on the giant screen singing the theme song, an incredible moment in music history.

I looked at Jan’s well focused eyes. She was doing the eyebrow raising thing as if to say, "So, what do you think?"

"I need to call my mom, I’ll be in the lobby." I scooted out quickly hoping the balcony traffic hadn’t been released yet. I fished a dime out of my pocket and placed it in the payphone. I called my house and told my mom I needed a ride home, I said that Jan’s mom was a nurse and had to go into work and Jan’s dad refused to pick up more than two people.

Yes, I was a good Catholic girl and I had no experience in lying. Jan’s mom was not a nurse; I don’t even know why I said that part. I don’t know why I said Jan’s dad would only take two people. What kind of dad would say that? I’ll tell you what kind, the kind of dad who had a daughter named Jan who had a cousin from up nort’ that stunk stupid. That’s who.

Ken and Jan approached the payphone. I wrapped myself in the safety of the silver umbilical cord that attached the handset to the wall-mounted portion. "He’ll never get past this," I rationalized. I waved at them to go on without me, but they kept approaching. I waved them on with more animation and added an angry head shake and what I hoped look like an evil eye.

I blame that after movie behavior on the power of big-screen voodoo, I got lost in it. That often happens with the extremely innocent.

Ah, the evil eye worked. Jan grabbed Ken’s fat hand. Alright, I didn’t tell you his hands were fat but now you know everything. Yes, there was a left hand and a right hand and they were attached to the appropriate limbs. Honest, that is all there is to tell you about him. He wasn’t a complete freak, you know.

Basically, I am not a rude person except for what I just said to you a second ago. I don’t even think God gave me the gene that allows me to be rude. I just knew that I had to make sure that kiss never happened. Even if that meant lying to my mother and rudely dismissing a sixteen year old boy that had one leg shorter than the other, an unnaturally elongated trunk, a vagabond eye, perhaps a unibrow and definitely fat hands.

Besides, although I didn't know it then, Ivery soon I would another chance for that first kiss with Al.