When You Have Everything You Crave Nothing 18

Rhys went back last week and I feel awful without him. I didn’t expect that-which proves that I do indeed love him more than just a friend-shocker, I know. Not waking up with him by my side or calling me sunshine in the morning is dreadful. I’m missing out nightly showers together too. I feel hopeless without him. I keep considering whether we are in a ‘relationship’ or merely ‘fuck buddies’, preferably the first. I don’t like the second term, however true it may be. I’m also internally saddened that the second is all we may be.

It’s not like he’s left me, quite the contrary, we call each other most days talking about random pointless stuff and the other listens intently. But he is on the other side of the world-which makes it increasingly hard to establish if we have fallen back into witty boss and employee friendship or boyfriend and girlfriend relationship.

But that’s not also why I’m feeling bloody awful.

I’m known for being unconventional, I accept that, relish it most of the time, but falling pregnant whilst in an unstable and uncertain long distance relationship is a bit too far for even my liking.

I am indeed pregnant.

The symptoms started the day Rhys left like I couldn’t keep ANY food down, constantly throwing up anything that managed to stay down for more than two seconds. I am beyond tired. I am all achy and slightly emotional. I prayed for my painful period to come but no, no chance Miss Hudson-you are well and truly up the duff.

So my worst nightmare-I’m not even afraid of calling it that because it is exactly that, is confirmed on a tiny white stick. It may as well say so long sweet selfish life, and hello hell.

I’ve worked out it was from our first time. I know, how very, very stupid. I always read those magazines and shout at the cover saying ‘Foolish woman, how can you not use contraception with so much of it out there’. Well it serves me right, doesn’t it? I keep reliving that night how passionate it is and I clearly remember it was unprotected, so unprotected that his cum could consume my egg! They always say babies get conceived in the heat of passion. Damn them!

I haven’t told Rhys though,-I can’t even say the words aloud to myself but I’m afraid of telling him. What if he dumps me? Can he even dump me if he doesn’t consider us to be together? I don’t want to lose Rhys because of this.

So to avoid these unanswerable questions, I decide to not even think about it myself.I call Rhys, as I usually do at work and when I hear his voice I’m reassured I have someone who cares for me.

‘Rhys…’ I whine down the phone.

‘Hey Saph, what’s up?’

‘I’m lonely.’

‘How come?’

‘Because everyone thinks I’m a whore. All my friends have taken Sean’s side so I’m an
outcast with no friends.’ I sigh then say ‘I miss you.’

‘And I miss you too. New York just isn’t the same without you constantly bickering with me.’

‘Is that all you miss me for?’

‘Of course not. I miss everything about you. Your morning breath kisses, your smell, your bed.’ He giggles ‘Your beautiful smile that makes my day and your quick wit. No one else compares with you, babe.’

I sigh and like a schoolgirl draw a love heart on the magazine I was reading. ‘I miss New York.’

‘Why?’

‘Because that’s where you are.’ I tease.

Rhys laughs then asks ‘What can I do to cheer you up?’

‘Phone sex.’ I joke.

‘Again! Oh you know I’m good at that. But better at the real thing.’

‘Just don’t go doing it with Viola.’ I add without thinking. Territorial issues.

‘Saph, I’m sorry about that. You know that don’t you? Don’t you?’ All I can think and pray is that he used protection when with Viola. ‘Saphy?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Saph, it meant nothing.’

‘So you say.’

‘Saphy, oh come on, don’t start an argument over nothing.’

‘I’m not. I don’t care if you do her. Be it on your chest.’ I feel I’m saying this because I’m hormonal

‘Right, if you want to be like that, then let’s talk about Toby who you still are hung up over.

You haven’t got over him, Saph. We both know that.’

‘Now that’s not true.’ I say defensively.

‘You can’t lie to me.’

I huff ‘Well maybe I am still hurt by what I did to him. He didn’t deserve that and all he did was show me love.’

‘Well what the hell have I been doing? Beating you?’ He says raising his voice.

‘Did I say that? At least I didn’t fuck some bitch to spite someone else!’ I throw back.

‘Oh really! Well I clearly remember you fucked me to spite Sean, or did you forget that oh
saintly one?’

We fall silent and both take deep breaths. We stay silent for a minute until Rhys says ‘Ok, let’s stop arguing. It’s not doing either of us any good. When will I see you next?’

‘Do you even want to see me?’ I feel the need to add. I also start to cry as I hate arguing generally, but hate it even more with Rhys. I can’t lose him.

‘Babe, of course I do. I think we both can say we have things holding us back. But Saph, that doesn’t detract from the fact that I love you. But, do what you think is right.’ He sighs.

‘What do you mean?’

‘Well, if you think you should be with Toby, then do so. If you think you should be with me, then I’ll be waiting. Ok? Bye lover. And remember, I love you.’ As Rhys hangs up, I feel bad for leaving him feeling like he does. Does he honestly think I’d leave him? But I know I’m not open with my emotions, so he probably doesn’t know how I feel.

But I can’t leave Rhys because I do utterly love him. Plain and simple. He is my One as loved up as it sounds.

Even though I feel something for Toby, my feelings for Rhys over power those a thousand times over. Why? I don’t know? Toby is a sweetie pie, but Rhys…I just can’t stop thinking about. It’s not lust. Physically shagging is lust, but I am just as happy when we sit talking about what we want in our sandwiches’ for a mini picnic, he’s all odd with cucumber (-weird weird man) whereas I’m a good old English ham and mustard.

I can’t tell you when or even how I came to know, but I do love him. Massively. I need him in my life as a permanent fixture, regardless of the thing I am growing inside me. Rhys is mine before anyone else’s and I’m going to tell him that.

I want us to be serious as much as he does.

That’s it. I need to see him ASAP. I need to tell dear Mr Wildman that not only do I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone before, but I need to tell him that we’re going to have a baby together in just under eight months time. Scary thought, hey?

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Well done to Aneri who read between the lines with her being pregnant-it was intentional and you picked up on that. Well Done!