When Sparks Fly...Chapter 26

Hey everyone! Hope you like this chapter! Make sure you've read the previous one which is the start of the Cardiff trip! Thanks for your comments on the previous chapter and please continue too! Any author will tell you how much they mean to them and they really do, especially with the lovely comments you give!
Here's some responses...

Laura-Beth-ahh, thanks! Tor’s like me too, I am by nature a worrier, maybe not as extreme as Tor though, but she does care for Caesar, incredibly so. Yeah, I feel sorry for Abbie and Caesar too, poor souls.
Ciriat-yes, it is difficult for him, bad things do happen to good people and I think Abbie is right to shout and not forgive Caesar instantly, I wouldn’t!
Vani-oohh expressive writer! Thanks so much! Oh I know, poor Abbie, must be heartbreaking.
Ella Jade-yeah, Abbie’s quite a nice person, I think. She’s not done anything wrong. I feel exactly the same way, I think Tor wants to be the trusting girlfriend but prefers hard facts to set her mind at ease. Ahh, hope you don’t get too confused!

Phoebe-To be honest, I’m on about four different books at the moment which are if you care to know ‘Hens Reunited’ ‘Do you remember the first time?’ ‘The Love of My Life’ and ‘Dinner for Two’. Yeah, one of my best friends isn’t a reader either, I have books which I know will convert any non-reader though! Which are ANYTHING of Dorothy Koomson’s books-esp. ‘My Best Friend’s Girl’ and ‘Goodnight, Beautiful’-she is sensational and ‘Where Rainbows End’ by Cecelia Ahern-it gave me a heavy heart-that’s when you find a good book! They got me hooked on reading and writing. Mm, I love the name Phoebe, I wanted to call my cat Phoebe but didn’t and before publishing my stuff on here, all of my characters had the name Phoebe, so I used it! Ahh, glad you like how the characters are turning out!

Amanda-aww, fav on Buzzle, what a compliment! You should comment more! I love hearing from you all!
Cheyenne Taylor-ahh, how sweet! I’m missing your story too! Haha, yes, I think I should stop mentioning my thing for curls now!
Ms.T-oohh an awesome TV series, how exciting! You’re mad! Haha, that idea is crazy, but bless you anyway! I’m glad I have such a great support from people like you!
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CAESAR’S P.O.V

Abbie comes back out half an hour later and spots me sitting on the same bench we were on when she left me. I give her a puzzled look as it’s not one thirty yet, but as she comes closer she says in a strained voice ‘I couldn’t wait any longer.’

I nod and Abbie says ‘Let’s walk. I can’t sit down yet.’

Abbie crosses her arms as she watches me stand up and I memories of us come back to me.

The first day I met Abbie, I liked her. She was in the room next to mine and we soon became more than friends. I remember walking in on her alone in the kitchen a few days after we met and her humming ABBA’s Dancing Queen looking effortless cute in her slouchy pjs and top. Her hair was tied back and she had panda eyes from not having taken her mascara off from the night before; she was just the epitome of cute.

Abbie is only a little shorter than me, unlike Tor; Tor is my little pocket sized treasure. I remember how Abbie and I used to walk when we were together. Abbie would always stand on the right hand side (as the left is sinister, apparently) and I would usually drape my arm around her shoulder and link our fingers together as we walked along together.
It’s different now, though. Abbie is walking more than a metre apart from me and is in the defensive position of crossing her arms.

‘You always were a wriggler.’ I tell her with a small smile.

Abbie looks up at me and raises an eyebrow, thinking about what to say ‘Hmm, I suppose I still am.’

As we walk down the road, Abbie leads me into the nearby park that I recognize and finally sits down on an empty brown bench before speaking ‘You’re right, you know…I never have got over what happened.’

I sit down next to Abbie, crossing my legs over anxiously and see her start to shiver as I listen tentatively to what she is going to tell me. ‘It was very hard for me to deal with, Caesar. I know you didn’t want the baby, but I did, I didn’t care that I was only 18, it was my baby, and to lose it…’

She trails off, unable to finish and takes a deep breath before carrying on ‘Do you know what, when I found out, I imagined what our baby would look like and I knew it was a little girl. I felt it. I felt it instantly. I knew I was going to have a little girl; a beautiful, little, cheeky girl. She was going to have my long brown hair and your sweet dimples. She was going to have the biggest doughy brown eyes with a beautiful smile. I could clearly picture her, Caesar and when I found I lost her, my world fell apart, my baby had died and no one could save her.’ Abbie looks upwards to prevent the falling tears and my heart breaks in two as Abbie tells me this.

I feel so helpless.

‘It’s ok,’ I say, not believing myself.

Abbie wipes her eyes and says ‘You leaving me as well was even worse after what happened, Caesar. It was incredibly selfish of you and I didn’t understand that you could just leave me like that and not even tell me. Did you not even care about me?’ She asks pleadingly.

‘Abbie, you know how I felt for you.’ I stress ‘But I couldn’t though, Abbie. You know me; I would have been no use to you and just brought back all the memories and stuff.’

She shakes her head adamantly and answers back ‘You would have been useful to me, Caesar. You were the one who I wanted to be with me. I wanted to see you and remind myself of what we had, you know, what we had before I fell pregnant. You were my boyfriend, Caesar. I needed you there. Of course I wanted you there.’

I feel so guilty as Abbie tells me what a cruel, crap boyfriend I was to her. And I was. Without a doubt, I was incredibly useless to her. I reply back feebly ‘I know, but I couldn’t and I am sorry for that. I mucked up big time, Abbie, I realize that now.’

Abbie starts biting her fingernails and says ‘Sorry doesn’t help me though, Caesar. Sorry never helps. Sorry doesn’t change the past, does it?’ She tears a piece of nail off and asks just above a whisper ‘How were you after what happened?’

I consider my answer before telling Abbie the truth ‘A wreck. I was a complete and utter emotional wreck. I wanted to come back and see you, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t come back to Cardiff and face you again. I’m still not over it; I always think about how bad I was leaving you in pain, but seeing you like that killed me.’

She gives me a small smile and rubs my arm up and down as she says ‘I’m glad I meant something to you.’

I smile back at Abbie and nod ‘Of course you did, Abbie. You meant everything to me.’

Abbie looks at me, pauses, then looks to the sky as she says linking her fingers together tightly ‘I told no one, you know.’

‘What, no one?’

She nods ‘Yes, I couldn’t tell them. It hurt too much, I didn’t want to burden them and upset them too. Thinking about what happened and then you leaving me, well it didn’t look too good. I couldn’t deal with telling people of my double heartbreak.’

‘What did you tell everyone then?’

‘That we split up and you left to go back home.’ She says nonchalantly. ‘I thought it would be best instead of you leaving me.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘You keep saying,’ she quips. Abbie gently rests her head on my shoulder and my arm slowly wraps around her waist.

‘For the record, you would have been a wonderful mum.’ I tell her.

Abbie exhales deeply and says ‘Why? Because I’m so cool?’ Abbie grins then says seriously ‘Well I’d like to think so and in my opinion, you would have been an amazing dad, I’m sure of it; except I think she’d have wrapped you around her little finger.’ Abbie giggles and my heart sinks. ‘She would have been like her mummy too.’

‘In what way?’ I ask, wanting to hear about her fairytale that didn’t come true. ‘Wrapping me around your finger you mean?’

Abbie smiles ‘It depends, probably because she would have been a little angel and probably a daddy’s girl. I think she would have had my sense of humour as well,’ she says proudly.

‘And your laziness,’ I add with a wink.

Abbie raises her eyebrow and says ‘Oi, you cheek. I was being nice there.’ Abbie then goes back to her dream ‘Oh, and she would have had your musical talent, I’m sure of it, maybe she could sing instead of play the guitar and she would have some of our creativity, I think from me and you.’

Abbie sighs and I notice her unaware of the fact that she is drawing small patterns on my thigh. An old habit of hers; she always used to do that. It usually sent her to sleep from the continuous rhythm of drawing love hearts and stars. ‘She would have been perfect, Caesar.’

I give her waist a squeeze and ask ‘Of course she would have been. She would have been perfect because she had you, Abs.’

Abbie blushes and says ‘Don’t put yourself down, Caesar, your sparkle would have shown through in her too.’

‘Thanks.’ I say a little embarrassed. I can’t imagine myself ever with a child; a child with my genes, a child that I made and a child that had me in it, it would be so surreal. ‘Did you get help privately?’ I ask.

She nods ‘Oh yes, I had to. I needed it, my mum couldn’t help and she didn’t know what was wrong with me. I couldn’t have told her. Firstly, me being pregnant at 18 wasn’t great and secondly, she’d hate the guilt of knowing, so I coped alone. I had to. I met a lovely lady called Sheila who helped me quite a bit, a lot of talking and a lot of crying, but she was nice. I saw her for four months continuously, but I don’t think I’ll ever get over the loss. No amount of help will make me, but you have to deal with it and live again.’

‘I don’t think I’ll ever get over leaving you and causing it,’ I say weakly.

‘You didn’t cause it, Caesar.’ She says looking up at me firmly ‘I know you didn’t. Goodness, in the following weeks I did so much research into why it had happened to me, I became obsessed and ended up with the same conclusion each time, things like this just happen. Did you know that 1 in 3 women have one miscarriage, if not more? I didn’t until I looked it up. I continually went back to the doctors, asking them questions over and over again, demanding they found a reason why and they explained each time that the most likely explanation is sometimes when the embryo is developing, some parts it needs for life are not present, so they can’t function properly and, well, then you…miscarry because of it. I guess it was nature’s way of stopping her from being in pain; I’d like to think she was just too special for earth so went straight to heaven as a little angel who watches over us.’

Tears fall from Abbie’s eyes and she shrugs ‘It’s hard, Caesar. I know I will never get over it, but you just have to live with it. There’s nothing else I can do.’

‘I’m so sorry, sweetie,’ I say, stroking her hair golden brown hair through.

Abbie begins to properly weep and says ‘I hated you so much, Caesar, I swear I could have killed you if I saw you had come back after what happened.’

‘I hated myself too, Abs, I just…I couldn’t stick around. I couldn’t watch you in pain, Abbie, which was why I left. I couldn’t handle seeing you like that, I couldn’t do that. I also didn’t want the baby and I thought you would be angry with me being around you and not feeling the same grieving emotion as you were. I am so sorry though, sweetie. I really am.’ I gently touch Abbie’s cheek and wipe the stream of tears away falling from her deep blue eyes and gently sweep them away my thumb and soothingly stroke her cheek to calm her down.

Abbie doesn’t answer for a while, as she sniffles then sighs as she says ‘Even though you didn’t want the baby, you still grieved, that’s why you left, you couldn’t grieve in front of me and it’s also why you’re back, your guilt and stuff, you’ve been grieving all year, Caesar, just in a different way which meant you wanted to avoid the place that it happened and also me.’

Abbie speaks so much sense and I realize that Abbie is probably right. I couldn’t tell anyone and I couldn’t grieve with Abbie, so I grieved alone and I came to the point where I couldn’t handle it anymore so I’m back. And here I am with Abbie and we finally understand what happened together. It’s such a shame I ran away and didn’t deal with this all at the time.

‘It was just horrible to go through it alone. The man I loved left me and that destroyed me, Caesar.’

I nod and pull her close to me. I destroyed her through my cowardly ways. I swear that is my biggest regret I hold with me. I hold her tightly in my arms and ask her ‘Do you forgive me?’

‘What am I supposed to forgive you for?’

I stall and want to say everything, but Abbie won’t accept that.

‘For being a crap boyfriend who left you in your time of need and for what happened to the baby, I’m sorry for both.’

Abbie shakes her head ‘No, I don’t forgive you then, because the miscarriage wasn’t your fault; please understand it wasn’t, Caesar. Yes you didn’t want the baby, but you didn’t cause it, it doesn’t work like that. If you had physically stabbed me, then yes, it would be your fault, but you didn’t. You didn’t hurt our baby; she was just too special for earth and decided to go to heaven instead, ok? You’ve got to understand that, Caesar. I guess things happen for a reason, but you didn’t cause the miscarriage, ok? The miscarriage couldn’t have been prevented, but you leaving me, however, could have.’

I realize Abbie is probably right, it’s just letting go of the guilt I associated myself with believing I had caused it is the hardest part. The real guilt and forgiveness I need is from Abbie.

Abbie tilts her head to face me and waits as I ask ‘Can you forgive me for leaving you then? I am so, so sorry for how I acted and it was stupid and foolish of me, I really am, Abbie. I will always be sorry.’

She pauses and says nothing until ‘Have you forgiven yourself for leaving me?’

‘I can’t forgive myself until you do.’

Abbie leans back on my shoulder and gently starts playing with a strand of my curly hair as she says ‘Ok, I honestly forgive you, you did what you did for a reason and you can’t go back so yes, I do. You were an immature fool, but I forgive you. You’ve finally come back and apologized so there’s nothing else you could possibly do.’

Abbie smiles and I pull her in close and kiss her forehead and just say nothing as it seems actions speak louder than words.

‘Do you regret what happened?’ I ask her.

She pulls away puzzled and says ‘I don’t understand.’

‘Do you regret being with me for that to happen?’ I say altering my question.

Abbie leans against the back of the bench and says ‘I don’t know. Do I regret my time spent being with you for those months?’ She pauses before saying ‘No, of course I don’t. You meant the world to me, Caesar; I loved you, and you made a huge impact on my life before all that happened. But do I regret getting pregnant and miscarrying? Yes, I wish I never was because my pregnancy didn’t end in a bundle of joy, but a lifetime of what ifs and thoughts that I was the unlucky one who couldn’t have a baby.’

Abbie closes her eyes and it looks like our long talk has taken a lot out of her, mentally draining everything away. Abbie opens her eyes and looks like she’s about break down and properly cry for the first time today. My heart tugs as I see this. I really can’t handle her tears, especially tears which can never be properly stopped. She wipes her eyes and looks helplessly at me.

And before I know what I’m doing and for what reasons I do not know, I’m leaning down and locking my lips to Abbie’s and kissing her with such tenderness that a soft moan escapes her lips. Her hand loses itself in my hair as she drags me forward, bringing me as close as I can to her with her scrunching my curls up in her hands.

My hand slips around her waist and gently caresses her sides as shuffles her body onto mine and ends up straddling my lap, with her arms slowly linking around my neck as we continue to kiss and kiss and kiss…

Oh Abbie…

VICTORIA’S P.O.V.

My eyes must be deceiving me.

Maybe I’m hallucinating?

Blink, Victoria. Blink and wake up.

Maybe it’s all a dream?

But it’s not.

There is no way this is a dream, as much as I want myself to just wake up and realise this whole trip didn’t actually happen.

But my worst dream has actually come true.

Caesar is kissing Abbie.

My boyfriend is kissing his ex.

He is kissing the woman he loved before me and he shows no remorse in doing so.

I want someone to pinch me, I don’t care if they slap me right now, but this can’t be true.

I can’t let it be true.

I don’t want it to be true.

This shouldn’t be happening.

But it is.

It is happening.

And I think my heart has just broken in two…
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I know! Mean cliffhanger or what but please comment!!! Much love Pheebs!