When Sparks Fly...Chapter 19

*Hey everyone! So sorry for the wait but I've been busy with going back to school and friend dilemmas, 18th b'day party etc, but I hope you like this chapter and are not too disappointed by Caesar's past. I think a lot of you had very high expectations and mad ideas, but let me know what you think. I really hope it's ok. I think it's quite sad, but you decide! Please comment as they spur me on and motivate me too! I'm so grateful for everyone I receive, so thanks.

Some responses...
Monica- haha, right, I’ll answer your questions um, I was inspired by a reader called Mel who told me about how she was hung up on a guy and I have been through the same thing, so I decided to start from there and then I just randomly wrote stuff down, I had no idea where my story was going to go so I’m surprised I’m at this stage! I think cliff-hangers are hilarious, I honestly find them thrilling. You all go insane over them! Um, their names? Victoria is a very common name here and I quite like the nickname Tor so I used that and Caesar came to my mind when I was watching TV! I use the names purely because I like them!
SK-ahh, I’d like to be published too! It would be so lovely! Haha, I doubt it. I’ve not read any of her books (I know, all you twilight lovers are going to hate me, nor have I seen the film) but she is very famous and all my friends love her, so that’s a very touching compliment, thank you! Where do you think I would like to find my guy from? I don’t think you can pick it up from what I’ve written, it's very random, but I’d love to know where you think!
Laura-Beth-yes, I suppose it is touching, but I don’t know how well I’d deal with it if he just broke down on me :S Ahh bless you!
Amrit-mmm, yeah, I think I do. I don’t think Tor was that extreme actually, I would have got to that stage if my bf or friend wasn’t telling me something I knew was hurting him(actually happened yesterday, my best friend wanted to tell me something that was bothering her and she wouldn't tell me but I knew she wanted to, soI kept asking and then she did and felt instantly better she had told me). I’m all for letting it all out and having no secrets. I’d want to think they could trust me enough to tell me. It’s not like I’m being insensitive, it’s just I think talking solves everything.
KathrineAmazing-you made me laugh out loud with the word clap! Lol! Haha, I am so laughing right now! Haha, prune juice! So ironic! Ahh thanks so much! So sweet of you to say and ahh, you have a nice mum!
Anony moose-haha, I don’t know either tbh. Ahh bless pat the dog, when I heard that name I laughed too! Yeah, it’s my Christmas routine! We do all those things and even walk the animals! We have a dog named Tippi too!
Mel-ahh you cutie! No, I’m really not nice, lol! Ahh yeah, Emily’s reaction-I love Emily, she is so cute and reminds me of all of my friends. Haha, yes, these guys are dream guys right here! Lol! Ahh you're so cute, I'm glad my stories make people happy and give them hope!
Everyone else, all 55 of you, your comments inspire and compliment me so much. Thank you and I hope you enjoy...
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‘Let’s go back to mine.’ I suggest. ‘Not here.’

Caesar nods and we walk back in silence to my flat and I’m petrified. What is he going to tell me? I brace myself as we make it back and I call Emily up to not come back.

‘Em, I need the flat for a while. Don’t come back until later.’

‘Are you ok, babe? You sound shaky.’ She answers back caringly.

‘Yep. Fine. I’m fine.’ I say. But I’m not. I am so worried of what he’s going to tell me and how hung up he is on his past. It’s tearing him apart.

‘I’ll see you soon.’ I hang up and look at Caesar who is staring out of the window, fiddling with a pen between his fingers. I walk over and sit quietly next to him.

‘Can I get you anything?’ I ask.

He shakes his head and says ‘Please hear me out, no one else knows.’

I nod and run my hair through his curls to reassure him I will.

‘On the first day of uni, I met Abbie.’ I’m worried already and he’s only just begun. ‘She was in the room opposite mine and we got together quite quickly.’

‘Did you love her?’ I but in. I know I should let him talk, but I need to know. I can’t listen any longer if he doesn’t tell me that crucial detail.

He pauses before saying carefully ‘Yes, I did love her at the time and I cared for her a great deal.’

My heart sinks as I hear those words. He loved her.

He loved Abbie before me.

Does he even love me?

They were together before me and she knows about his past and I don’t. I feel like crying and he’s only just begun.

I nod and my mind starts to think up the endless possibilities of what happened between them. Why is she so special in his past?

‘She got pregnant.’ He says looking down.

I inhale deeply and feel faint as the words sink in. I want to ask, by who, but it’s clear. Caesar got her pregnant.

‘With your baby?’ I say as a question.

He nods ‘Yes.’

He made love to Abbie before me.

Caesar and Abbie.

The names fit so perfectly and they had made love. He even went as far and got her pregnant; creating a life together. I lean back as the sinking feeling drains me, my insides turning with the cruelty of the past that can never change. Everything he’s saying is hurting me and he’s barely said anything. I don’t want him to continue, but I know I need to hear him out.

‘She was pregnant by November, but she didn’t find out until the January.’

She was actually pregnant.

She actually had a life within her.

All I want to do is shout at Caesar, scream at him for my anger at how he could love someone else and get her pregnant, but I can’t. I need to know more. I need to find out more.

‘How did she get pregnant?’ It seems a stupid question to ask, but I want to know why and how.

Caesar looks down then says ‘We did it a lot and we were careless.’

I close my eyes to block out looking at Caesar, but all I see is him with another woman making love constantly. It’s haunting me. Caesar with another woman, the same time this year ago she would have been pregnant, unaware of the fact that she was carrying Caesar’s baby.

I involuntarily gag and ask‘ Was it planned?’

He shakes his head unwaveringly ‘No, not at all. Never. When she told me, I freaked out big time. I didn’t want a baby. I never have. Never. Then to add to that the fact that I was only 18 and had no job and Abbie and I had only been together for five months, it was not good. I never wanted children, ever since I was young; I’ve known that I didn’t want children.’

‘Why?’

Tears drip down Caesar’s cheek and slide down his neck. He wipes them away quickly and takes a deep breath before saying ‘My father…’ He pauses and clenches his fist before saying ‘He, he, he…abused me.’ He spits the word abused out and buries his head in his hands as he cries uncontrollably. Floods of tears stream down his face and my heart breaks for him.

‘He hurt me, my mum and Ash. He did bad things, Tor. He thought he could rule us and he did. He made our lives hell. We had no life and my father made sure of that. He would beat us every day for minor things, things no one cares about and would punish us all. I started to believe we were doing wrong, but mum said it wasn’t right. She kept us so close and she tried so many times to escape but after three failed attempts, she gave up. She knew if she tried again he would beat us even more. She eventually did after a lot of planning and not being able to cope anymore.’

I can’t help but pull Caesar close to me and wrap my arms around him so tightly. I want to wish away his pain and horrible upbringing and shower him in happiness. But I can’t. You can’t change the past, yet we all must live with the memories of it.

‘Where is he now?’

Caesar takes a deep breath to catch his breath and says ‘He was in prison, but I don’t know now. My mum left him when I was eight, she finally managed to get away from him for enough hours and she went to the police and he was sent to prison. Ash doesn’t really remember what happened but I do. I can’t forget it.’

Caesar doesn’t speak for a while as we just sit in silence, me processing the atrocities he’s just said and Caesar preparing himself to continue. I want to understand what he’s feeling so much and empathise, but I can’t. I can’t dream of what he went through.

Caesar wipes away some more tears before clenching his hand and carrying on ‘So Abbie was pregnant and we were both scared, me more so than Abbie; neither of us planned it. Abbie was adamant she was keeping it; she never said she didn’t want it, but I didn’t. I couldn’t see how I could raise a child with what I went through. I was worried for us both. I wasn’t mentally ready for a child and I didn’t want one, but Abbie was definite. Nothing was going to change her mind.’

He pauses long and hard then carries on ‘She was two months pregnant when she told me and I didn’t know what to do. I was lost and I said some horrible things to her at first. I shouted all sinful things which was wrong, but I didn’t want to stick around, my natural instinct took over because I never wanted children, not with what I grew up with; I couldn’t risk turning out like my father and hurting a poor child. But at the same time, I didn’t want to leave her, not that I was going to be there, I couldn’t, but I wanted to make sure she was ok from afar; I said I would help financially as much as possible, but I would have nothing to do with the baby’s life. I needed to finish my year and then I planned to leave. She didn’t know I was going to leave before the baby was born, she thought I would just stick around, but I couldn’t handle that. I needed to leave.’

I know there’s more to come and Caesar then says ‘But then on that Friday, two weeks after Abbie told me, she calls me in tears and tells me to come over quickly. So I do and find her sobbing in her bathroom with a pool of blood surrounding her and seeping out from between her legs.’ Caesar then starts to choke as the words replay themselves from his lips. I know he is reliving the memory in his mind, but I can picture it just as vividly as he is explaining it to me.

He closes his eyes tightly shut and I am hopeless. I don’t even think I am taking it in anymore. I don’t know what to say.

He bites his bottom lip hard, holding back the tears as he continues ‘So we went to the doctors quickly as she was in excruciating pain. We didn’t know what was happening, but then it was confirmed that…’ Caesar starts to choke up again as he forces the words out ‘That she had miscarried at ten weeks and two days.’

Silence.

No words. Just tears.

Nothing is happening as the horrific realisation of what happened hits me.

All I can hear is the dripping of the rain outside, crying along with us.

He pauses before continuing, he needs to continue for his own sake, let alone explaining to me, pushing on past the mental pain barrier to talk through everything that happened ‘But do you know how I felt, do you know what makes me feel really, really guilty now, I was relieved. I was instantly relieved that Abbie wouldn’t be having my baby, because I never wanted kids as I had no intention of staying after I had finished my year. I could never raise a child after going what I went through. I felt bad for Abbie and not the baby.’

He takes a deep breath, wiping the tears that are staining his cheek away before saying quietly ‘Abbie was heartbroken, and that hurt that I felt so differently. I felt so horrible and cruel that I got her pregnant and for her then to go through and miscarry was awful, seeing her utterly broken was horrible and I felt so guilty. She wanted our baby so much and was devastated that she lost it. She was completely heartbroken. It took her days to pass all the blood and that was heart wrenching, seeing her in physical and mental pain and having to miscarry for several days was evil. She didn’t deserve that.’

He bites his finger nail and exhales deeply before carrying on ‘So I had to get away from Cardiff, I needed to leave then; I couldn’t watch Abbie’s pure pain, with her blaming herself and everything, watching her break down killed me. Seeing Abbie like that tore me apart, so I left. A few days after her miscarriage, I left Cardiff for good.’

He says nothing for a while and I just pull his head to mine and gently lace my fingers through his hair, as he rests his head on my lap. He’s shaking on my lap as he tries to prevent the tears and attempting to calm down.

I’m crying too. I feel so awful from the amount of things he has kept hidden away from everyone that I am crying for him too.

‘I think I caused it.’ He says suddenly. ‘I think, no I know I caused her to miscarry, with all the stress of knowing I didn’t want the baby that caused her to miscarry, I know it.’

‘No, no you didn’t.’ I say firmly.

He sits up and shakes his head ‘Yes I did and I feel so, so guilty because Abbie wanted our baby. I mean she really wanted it. She even understood about my dad, I told her about my past and she knew I wouldn’t play an active role and understood that, she even sympathised with me saying it was ok and she would be ok just knowing I was nearby, she knew all that and still was optimistic. It’s my entire fault, I know it is; all that made her miscarry.’

‘Caesar, you don’t know what caused the miscarriage. Lots of pregnancies end in miscarriage, she was just unlucky. An unlucky misfortune’

He shakes his head and doesn’t believe me ‘I feel worse for Abbie. The baby is one thing, but Abbie suffered, she had lost a baby she really wanted. She probably is still suffering now.’

‘So are you.’ I say quietly. He doesn't believe he is, but he is. Caesar has kept this all bottled up and now it is overflowing over a year after the events occured at Cardiff and his childhood.

He shakes his head ‘I deserve to suffer. I didn’t want the baby and fate granted my wish. Fate punished me for not wanting the baby and caused Abbie to miscarry, if I knew the pain she would go through, I would never have thought such a thing.’

‘Caesar, don’t think like that. It wasn’t either of your faults. Some things just can’t be explained. And you're in pain too, can't you see that? You suffered just as much as Abbie and still are.’

Caesar bows his head and closes his eyes. He doesn't believe me. But he needs to.

He’s blaming himself and he shouldn’t.

‘Do you think if the baby was born you would have stuck around?’ I ask softly.

He shakes his head ‘No, no I couldn’t.’

‘Why?’ I ask moments later.

‘Because I would have turned out like him. I could have been just like him, even if she had the baby, I still wouldn’t have stuck around, for their sake, but it doesn’t defer from the fact that Abbie wanted that baby and everything I did caused her to miscarry and literally break down. All because of me.’ He spits the word him out and leans back closing his eyes.

‘No it wasn’t your fault. You can’t blame yourself.’

He glares at me then I continue ‘You’re so good with Hope; you can’t be like your dad because Hope adores you when you're around her. You were great with her when I saw you two laughing and playing together’

He shakes his head adamantly and says ‘I don’t have to deal with Hope all the time. I wouldn’t be able to manage when it got hard. Ashlee doesn't remember what happened so she's fine, but I haven't. I would freak out just like him.’

‘You don’t know that Caesar. You’ve never had to try and look after a child. You’re not like your dad, Caesar. You’re a different person. Everyone is different. Have you ever beaten anyone?’ I bravely ask.

Please don’t let him be like his father. I couldn’t bear losing him.

He shakes his head ‘No.’ Caesar then stands up to move away and then goes into his kitchen, bringing out a cigarette.

‘Oh don’t smoke, please Caesar.’ I beg.

‘I need to.’ He says lighting up his cigarette, then he deeply inhaling the toxic fumes. ‘I need some release.’

I sit and watch Caesar smoke for a couple of minutes until I ask ‘Do you know what happened to Abbie?’

He looks at me and shrugs ‘I cut all contact with Cardiff, so I don’t know. I want to forget it all and seeing Abbie would bring it all back, the horrible memories which I can’t shift; the memories from my childhood and Abbie on the floor in incredible pain. God, I can still hear her screaming for help, clinging onto me for dear life; praying the baby was going to be ok, begging me that the baby was going to be ok. I feel worse for Abbie than the baby and that hurts; knowing that I didn’t care about the baby as much as Abbie did hurts like hell now. My initial feelings were cruel and selfish and I can never forget how I felt. Never. I can’t turn back time and erase them, those feelings are living with me forever.’

Caesar stubs his cigarette out then falls to the floor crying ‘I feel so, so guilty, Victoria. So, so guilty; guilty about how I felt, guilty that I didn’t feel grief for the baby and guilty about Abbie and her miscarrying the baby because I didn’t want it.’

‘Caesar, you must understand, it wasn’t your fault.’

He stands up and paces the room and says ‘It was. I wasn’t ready, but Abbie was and I fucked that up for her by wishing the baby away. I didn’t know she would be that upset, but she was.’

He sits back down next to me and take my hands in his before saying ‘I am sorry for feeling that way, I couldn’t help it, not with my dad, I couldn’t raise a baby. I’m sorry Abbie miscarried and felt so bad about it, I am sorry, Victoria, I never meant for any of this to happen.’

I look at him straight in the eyes and say ‘Caesar, this wasn’t your fault. You’re still grieving, you might not think you wanted the baby, but you are allowed to grieve, you can still feel upset, no one is saying you’re a bad person for not wanting the baby, with what you went through people would understand, ok? But you’ve not got over it, Caesar. You’ve never properly coped with it, have you?’

He doesn’t reply and that says enough as rests his head on my shoulder. I link my arms around his neck and kiss his cheek firmly.

‘I’m sorry.’ He says again. ‘I am so sorry. I never meant to wish the baby away. I never wanted Abbie to be unhappy, I just couldn’t prevent myself from thinking all those things and…’

‘Shhh, shhh, I know. I know.’ I say rubbing the back of his neck comfortingly.

I rock Caesar gently and feel so much sorrow for him, it's unbearable.

He just gave a huge part of himself away to me, his biggest secret that’s been tearing him apart and I think I have just fallen in love with him for his complete and utter trust in me…
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