When Sparks Fly...Chapter 20

Hey everyone! Please comment! I hate them dropping and I love to hear what you think about it!
Some responses...
Lexy L-ahh, I'm so glad you like it now! Wow that's early! Hope it's worth it!
Laura Lee-very good point. I think she's going to start doubting a lot of things now.
AprilJazmine-um, no I don't think she was and I'm not too sure if Tor believes she is. This chapter delves a little deeper into her thoughts.
SK-ahh, I'm sorry! Bless you! Mmm, do you think strengthening? And I can't wait to see where you think! Lol!
Rebby-bless you sweetie. I don't really see how but I'm touched it has impacted you.
Reason J-this chapter should explain more how Tor is feeling.
Mel-yeah, I feel bad for Tor too. I'd hate for that to happen to me and Tos is quite insecure so it's hurting her a lot in this chapter.
Lizzy-I'd be worried too and I think in this chapter Tor is showing real signs of hurting too.
Me-ahhh, thanks so much! I love your comments and was worried you weren't liking the story! I know, school is not good, so unfair! I know, you've got to feel sorry for Abbie too. Poor thing.
Erika, Shaz-bless you, I write as fast as I can but the annoying thing is Buzzle only approves articles once a day so you have to wait until that time to read it, also I'm back to school so I don't have a lot of free time to post but I'm trying my best! Haha, fans, ahh bless you!

Everyone else, you're all so cute and I really am grateful for each comment I receive. They're so thoughtful and I am really touched. I'm glad you're enjoying the story and please do continue to comment because they make my day and help shape the story too. Anyway, much love and hope you enjoy!

Also, I'd like to quickly thank everyone as the epilogue of 'It Could Be Him' is at 81! It's insane! I am so thankful for your sweet, touching comments on every chapter I write and for me to receive 81 on one is amazing, so thank you so much.
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‘I should go.’ He says minutes later after sitting and crying on my sofa.

‘You could stay here tonight and leave in the morning.’ I know I should be packing and preparing to go back home for Christmas, but I can’t let him go like this. He is still pretty fragile and I want him to stay.

Caesar looks up at me with his red puffy eyes and says ‘You’ll want to get ready and stuff.’

‘I want you to stay.’ I say again. I gently push his wavy hair back and lean forward and kiss him.

Caesar pulls me close to him and gives me a tight hug and says nothing. He just holds me tightly.

While he does so, all I can think about is Abbie.

I want to know more about her. I know I shouldn’t care about his previous girlfriend, but I do. She has made such an impact in Caesar’s life that I want to know more. Why did he fall in love with her? Does he still hold those same feelings today?

I want to talk more about his time there, but I know I can’t. There’s a limit which I can’t go past now.

Caesar pulls away and shakes his head ‘No, Chick. It’s ok. I’ll see you after Christmas. I need to leave with Mac anyway.’

‘Are you angry with me?’ I ask quietly.

Caesar, who is currently putting on his coat, shakes his head ‘No, why would I be?’

‘Because I kind of forced you to tell me.’ I sit twiddling my fingers and then look up and him.

‘Chick, that’s just you.’

‘Is that good or bad?’ I worry.

‘Depends.’

‘You are angry with me, I can feel it.’

He looks at me and says clearly ‘Chick, I just need to cool off. I'm not angry with you. I’ll see you really soon, ok?’ Caesar walks to the door and I follow him out.

‘I’ll see you soon.’ I say awkwardly.

Caesar opens his arms and says ‘Please don’t let what I told you change us. I told you that beause I trust you, ok? I don't want you knowing that to make a difference with us.’

‘Of course not.’

But it has already changed us in many ways.

I think I’m in love with Caesar and now I’m wondering if he is still in love with Abbie.

*
As I’m driving down to my parents for the Christmas holidays, I can’t seem to shift the thought of Abbie.

Why did I think I was in love with him? Am I really? Or do I just feel sympathy and jealousy, wanting to be in love with him? He trusted me, he gave a big part of himself away from me, now I wish he didn't.

How do you know when you’re in love? I so desperately want to be, but am I is the question? When will I know?

I thought I was in love with Eddie. I mean, I properly thought I was in love with him, but I wasn’t. I was purely caught up and so desperate in wanting to be loved and love someone that I chose Eddie to be my thought of fixation. Am I just infatuated or am I doubting my actual feelings because I’m scared of being hurt; scared of what love brings with it? It’s not just a bed of roses, love brings baggage and Caesar has bundles of it.

Love.

That feeling that so many yearn for. I crave it like a drug. I was brought up on love and wanted everyone to love me; to think that I was special enough to love and be shown affection for and kindness by others. I’m insecure, I know that and that’s a terrible trait I possess, but when do you know if someone feels the same way? You don’t. You can never be 100% sure that person feels the same way because you are not them and you can never guarantee what others will think.

I wanted Caesar to stay for longer yesterday so we could talk more, but he needed to leave for Brighton and he said he needed a bit of thinking time.

About Abbie, I suppose.

Her.

I can’t get over Caesar being with another woman so intimately enough for them to have conceived a baby together. My skin crawls as I think of this; them lovemaking.

Caesar, he was my perfect un-perfect gorgeous guy who has the ability to make me let loose at the flash of his smile before I knew about his past. But now I am wracked with sorrow and confusion for him. I don’t know what he is going through and can only imagine the heartache he has suffered and still is suffering. I will never know what he’s feeling and what he went through because I wasn’t there. I was in a totally different place and Caesar was with a totally different person.

I know he’s not over it and that’s what worries me.

My phone beeps as I pull into my parent’s house and I flick it open to reveal a message from Caesar

‘Hey Chick, have a great xmas and I’ll see you at New Years. I’ll miss you xxx’

My heart sinks as I read the message because I already miss him, but that niggling doubt that all Christmas he is going to be without me and probably thinking about the past kills me.

*

Today is New Years Eve and I’m travelling up to London for the spectacular fireworks to welcome in the New Year. One of my brothers is coming up with me because he wants to get wasted with a few of his friends he’s meeting in London too.

‘Where are you meeting Caesar then?’ Ryan asks.

‘Um, I’m meeting Em, and Hayden at the London Eye and Caesar said he’d call when he gets off the train.’

‘What’s he like?’ Ryan asks.

I haven’t spoken much about Caesar to my family; it’s been a little hard for me to talk about him because my mind instantly links back to Abbie. I sound like a jealous girlfriend, and I suppose I am, but I can’t help that. I really like Caesar, maybe even love him, and knowing about his past has both helped and hindered me with knowing about him.

‘He’s a great guy.’ I say feebly.

‘Wow, sounds…great.’ Ryan says sarcastically.

I poke my tongue out and link my arm with Ryan’s as we get off the train to walk to the London Eye.

‘Well I can guarantee he is better than any of your ex’s, so enough said.’

Ryan’s jaw drops and he makes me smile ‘Oh come on. Your past girlfriend’s have been pretty tragic. I’m so glad you ended it with your last one.’

‘Why?’

‘Because you were too good for her.’

Ryan ahhs and says ‘I love you, sis.’

‘Thanks, Ry.’

I then spot Hayden with his blue bobble hat cuddling Emily up in his arms in front of him by a barrier. They’re chatting away merrily and I just love watching them. They are perfect. Hayden is the dream guy. He adores Emily with his heart and soul and I envy them because they were each other’s first love. Childhood Sweethearts no less. Emily doesn’t need to get jealous because Hayden’s always been with her.

‘Over here.’ I say dragging Ryan along with me.

‘Hey babe.’ I say behind Emily’s ear.

Emily then jumps up and turns around to see it’s me, then flings her arms around me ‘Tori! Ahh, I’ve missed you so much! How’s your Christmas been?’

‘Good, yours?’

She smiles ‘Amazing, Hayden stayed with over so it was a lot of fun.’ She says insinuatingly.

‘Right, well this is my brother Ryan, Ryan, meet Emily and her boyfriend Hayden.’

Ryan smiles as he realises he has no chance with my friend then says to Hayden ‘You’ve got a gorgeous girlfriend, I hope you know that.’

‘Of course he does.’ I say bashing Ryan’s arm. ‘Now I’ll see you soon.’

‘When are you coming back home?’ Ryan asks.

‘Um, I don’t know. Where are you two staying?’

‘We’ve booked ourselves into a hotel. Call our hotel, they have spare rooms I think.’

‘It’s ok, Ry, I’ll stay down here tonight.’

‘Ok, well behave and call me. I’ll probs be in a bar or something. Have fun, Torrence.’

Ryan gives me a quick kiss and then walks off with a swarm of girls eyeing up my brother. It’s the norm for Ryan, with blonde spiky hair and tanned skin, lucky bugger.

Hayden then opens an arm for me to snuggle under as I call the hotel up and ask for a room. I manage to get Caesar and me a double bed, thank goodness.

‘Have you been to this before?’ I ask them both.

They shake their heads and Hayden says ‘Nah, they do a good display up North so we’ve never been bothered to come down for it. You?’

‘A few years, yes. It’s supposed to be very spectacular this year.’

‘Look who it is.’ Emily says grinning off into the distance.

I smile when I see who it is and run into his arms. Caesar picks me up and kisses me deeply. ‘Hey Chicken, I’ve missed you.’ He coos into my ear before gently nibbling on it.

Oh God I have missed him.

‘I have missed you too.’ I say before bringing his lips back to mine.

‘Did you have a good Christmas?’ He asks.

I nod and run my right hand through his hair ‘You?’

He nods and gives me another kiss before saying hello to Emily and Hayden.

‘I booked us into a hotel for tonight, is that ok?’

‘Of course it is.’ He wrinkles his nose and it’s like he’s never been away and nothing’s changed.

But it has. I can’t forget about Abbie and I’m desperate to know more.

‘You just missed my brother.’ I tell him.

‘Oh I’m sorry. I went the long way around to avoid getting caught up in the crowds.’

‘It’s ok.’

‘Did he want to see me? Check his little sister wasn’t with a crazy guy.’

I smile and say ‘No, he was more concerned about getting wasted.’

Caesar links his arms around my waist and kisses my neck and says ‘That's ok then.' He goes back to kissing me and whispers sweetly 'I’ve missed kissing you.’

I smile ‘Me too.’

After the countdown to midnight with the amazing firework display, we all go back to our hotel. Caesar keeps me close to him and tells me small anecdotes of his Christmas. He sounds like he’s had a good break away from uni. As we walk along the streets all the party revellers are moving from bar to bar. Stray fireworks light the sky and Caesar randomly stops and kisses me in the middle of a street.

'I'll remember this for a long time.' He tells me after his pda.

'I will too.' I wink.

Once back at the hotel, we go over to the desk to collect our room numbers. Emily cackles when she gets hers then looks at me and Caesar.

‘Guess what number room we are?’ Emily says giddily

‘I don’t know.’ I play along.

She giggles and says ’69.’

Hayden winks at me and I shake my head disapprovingly ‘You two are so bad.’

Emily, who is quite pissed grins and says ‘No we’re not. I just love him sooooo much.’ She giggles and links her arms around Hayden and French kisses him. ‘I love you, honey.’ She says sincerely.

‘I love you too, babe.’

Caesar and I look on awkwardly as we’ve not got that far in our relationship and if I’m being honest, I think our relationship has taken one step back and it makes me feel horrible that words and memories can have such a huge influence on a relationship.

We open the door to our quaint little room and Caesar smiles at me ‘Nice place, hey Chick.’

I poke my tongue out and Caesar smiles as he strips down to his boxers and T-shirt. I take my jeans and top off then sling Caesar’s hoodie on. It’s something of a routine now, I have to wear an item of his clothing whenever I sleep with him. It brings me closer to him, I’ve got something of his that won’t vanish away and I treasure wearing it.

After changing, we snuggle up in bed together, and I know we feel different. We’ve lost a part of each other and it saddens me. We’re not the same as we were before.

‘You’re acting differently.’ He comments in bed, as he combs my hair through in the darkness as we hear some stray fireworks being let off. ‘What’s wrong?’

‘Nothing.’ I lie.

Caesar sits up in bed and pulls the cover up to his chin. ‘Do you hate me?’ He murmurs seconds later.

‘What? Why would I?’

‘About what I told you.’ He says solemly.

He was thinking about it too.

‘No, no of course I don’t.’

‘I knew I shouldn’t have told you.’

‘It’s just a lot to take in, Caesar.’ I say turning to face him.

‘Yes I know, but you wanted to know.’ And now I wish I didn’t.

‘Let’s not talk about it now, I want to celebrate the New Year and not argue on it.’

Caesar nods and says ‘So do I.’ He then moves his body ontop of mine, pressing down gently against me. My legs hook around his back bringing his closer to meand he starts to trail his lips along my collar bone. If sex is the only way we can be together, happy and not arguing, then sex it is. I want him to be intimate with me again.

I want him to want to be with me and not her.

Caesar kisses at my neck, moving my top up as he starts to run his hand up my body. He pulls his top over my head and I shiver as the coldness hits me. I pull his warm body back onto mine and sigh as he starts playing with the waistband of my lacy knickers. He starts kissing feverishly along my jaw line and then down my body to my breasts. He takes my bra off as quick as he can and then starts to kiss my sensitive spots causing me to moan his name loudly at the pleasure he is causing…

I wake up tired the next morning and see that Caesar is in the bathroom. I put his jumper on and my knickers then walk in and sit on the toilet seat, waiting for him to get out of the shower.

‘Morning Sexy.’ He says from inside the shower ‘Do you want to join me?’

I shake my head and watch him come out of the shower with heat steaming off his body, his bouncy curls dripping wet as he rubs his body down with the hotel towels.

‘Caesar…’ I begin

‘Yes?’

‘What do you want to do today?’

He looks over at me as he tucks himself into the fluffy white towel and shrugs ‘Whatever you want to do, Chick.’

I pause and think through what to say then say ‘I want to spend time with my beau, just us and not talking about the past.’

‘You want to talk more about it though, don’t you?’ He says sighing, realising I am going to ask him for more information and he can’t avoid it.

I nod and Caesar sinks in his own body ‘I’ve told you everything, Chick.’

‘Not everything about Abbie.’ I point out.

Caesar flinches as I say her name ‘Don’t. Not now. It's New Years Day for goodness sake, I don't want to talk about that all now.’

‘You love her, don’t you?’ I can't help it. The words leave my mouth before I can stop them.

‘Chick, will you…’

‘Do you still love her?’ I but in. I want that definitive answer.

‘We said we weren’t…’

‘Why Abbie? What did you love about her?’

‘Victoria…’ He says curtly, the tension rising between us.

‘No, Caesar, this is hard for me to get over. I am so, so sorry about what happened with Abbie and I feel for her and you, I really do, but you two have shared something that has effected you and that hurts. That I can’t be the one to heal your pain and only Abbie can.’

‘Abbie can’t, no one fucking can.' He says coming closer to me. ‘God Victoria, are you jealous of Abbie or something?’ He raises his hands in distress and his right laces through his hair, gently tugging at it anxiously.

‘Well I think I have reasons to be since what you two have been through together. Do you still love her?’ I brace myself for the answer and cross every part of my body praying he doesn't.

‘No, I don’t love her.’ He says quietly.

‘But you did.’

Caesar looks away then looks back at me ‘Why are we talking about this now? Can’t we talk about this later?’

‘Promise me we will.’ I plead. 'Please Caesar.'

‘If you’re that desperate, then ok.’

‘I’m not desperate, I just want to know.’

Caesar groans then says ‘Let’s just forget about it, ok? It’s hard enough as it is without thinking that you’re freaking out over it.’

‘Well you can’t judge because I’ve never been with anyone but you, so believe me, I am finding it hard. I don’t want to get angry with you because I feel sorry for you both; it is just very hard for me knowing about you and Abbie.’

‘If you keep thinking about my past, we’re never going to be happy.’ Caesar says walking out of the bathroom.

‘Well I’m not and I know this is only the tip of the iceberg with your relationship.’ I say angrily.

Caesar slides his boxers on under his towel then puts on a T-shirt and cardigan with his jeans before saying anything else. He turns and looks at me across the room once he’s finished and says ‘Chick, I really like you and I don’t want what you know to muck up our relationship. I want the old Chick and Caesar back.’

So do I. But I don’t think we can ever go back to the way we were.

Caesar walks over to the bathroom and pulls me into his arms from the door frame and l lift one leg up around his waist as his hands support me under my derrier. He leans down and kisses me slowly and all I want is for him to be completely here with me.

But he’s not.

I know he’s still thinking about Abbie and that is slowly tearing my heart apart...
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