What's New to Dip Your Race In? :D

Don't ask me what started it, but recently, a 'cool' friend of mine, who works in a car sales department, made a presentation on how to make cars more girl-friendly. So, right anyway, this 'cool' friend of mine figures that the car can be more makeup - friendly for girls to like it. I suggested him to make the engine pink. He gave me 'THE LOOK' that's reserved for me whenever I say something clever..*sigh*

So he asked me to give him tips on makeup products that girls use. Fancy him picking ME of all 'girls' to ask me this, because, let's say my expertise in this area could be politely defined as 'amateur'. Unchartered territory. I'm an almost-out-of-teens-misfit teenager. If nerdy is the opposite of being 'cool' then I LIVE nerdness. The fact that I still flunk doesn't help, but I like to belong somewhere. So I kid myself saying that am an intellectual who doesn't take interest in girly affairs.

But I have it on good authority of all the make up products that girls use. I've lived in a sorority house for 2 years, been roommates with pretties that 'dolled' themselves up even before going to bed. I also know with absolute certainty that, ripped of their makeup, their parents would have a pretty hard time identifying their kids. Why, even they won't. So am pretty clear on 'what's new' to dip your face in.

1. Face creams
Most cosmetic companies try to convince us of the 'moisture replenishing-wrinkles reducing-cancer zapping-eternal glowing' effects of a tiny pot of gooey stuff. You naturally feel the suspicion creeping up on you. Usually, smaller the pot, the more expensive it is. As if this explained it somehow!

2. Toner/Cleanser/ Moisturizer
Frankly, it looks like oil and water and something that suspiciously looks like aromatic mucous. I can almost imagine witches mixing poisonous berries and rice water and chanting spells over 'em. IT 'cleanses' your skin. Like honestly, how dirty did those bastards think women are? I always think there's a sexual innuendo in this. When you slap it on your face, it feels cold and nasty like someone just spat on your face.

3. Foundation, face powder, concealer, blusher, blender, mixer, grinder et all (:P)
This is the real deal. I cannot speak for the rest of the humanity, but boys have this ridiculous notion, that girls like to flaunt. Wrong. Dead wrong. Girls like to hide. And concealer succeeds to do exactly that. It hides your dark spots, blemishes, acne, scars, moles, if managed, even your face. All they actually do is make you look like you were caught in a tornado. Sand dunes. It's like sticking your face in dry powdery beach sand. It's that OR your liquid makeup, which sweats off leaving reddish pock marks on your face which make you look like you're just recovering from chickenpox. Then again, what do I know. Most people seem to love it. Blusher is supposed to make your skin glow, but it only manages to highlight all the acne in your cheeks, like you're bleeding. Like, the blusher Obama's wearing? SO in. At least, it has 'distinct boundaries'. Scrubber's dubious. While it feels good when the lather's going, when you wash it off, ONLY it looks like you've rubbed your face in sandpaper or with ground up peach stone. And you're too scared to even smile because you might just start, actually bleeding.

4. Eye makeup
Don't smirk. Eye make up is AN ART in itself. I kid you not, but I read somewhere that there're people who make their living as eye-make-up-specialists. And quite rewarding too. Mascara, eyeliner, kaajal. Now, I know they're all centered in and around your eye. I don't know their specific function is. And this is what makes me feel autistic, that I cannot distinguish between an eye liner and a mascara by looking at the bristles of the brush. Nor can I distinguish between a lip liner and an eye liner for that matter, Just don't blame me, but girls have started using red in their eyes. Now red is meant for lips. Since time immemorial, but those young lot out there dabbing their lips with black lipstick (The punk look. Their version. Spewing black poison. My version) you really can't tell.

And then you've eye shadow, highlighters, false lashes to stick over your own lashes. So in the end you're only missing the fangs.

And then there's the matter of eyebrows. If your eyebrows look like mine did, then you can actually think of using lawn mowers. Just slightly. A touch up. To even out the bushes. I, in fact, prefer that to that horrendous threading they do in a parlor. Like SERIOUSLY, it's PAINFUL. Worse than cramps. Worse than pinching the pus out of a zit and keeping toothpaste on it. Err.. wait. But that's not the point. The point is, It's torture. Excruciating.

5. Lipology
Now, to the lips. Boys like it if lips look edible. There're many ways to go about this one. I only recently realized the embarrassing way, using dried up ketchup or beetroot sauce that comes handy is definitely not the way. It flakes. And, it sticks to your gums. So you look like Bramstoker's Dracula, especially if you're kitted out in the above mentioned makeup.

Lip liner, Lip pencil, lip gloss, lip oil. And then you have chapstick. While lipgloss manages to make your lips look like your suffering from rabies - Excess salivation, chapstick makes it look like your lips are glued together. Yap. Yap.

I could start describing makeup neck down, but I'll have to censor it. So this will have to do. While you're promised that using all this would make you FEEL 'beautiful' usually you just end up feeling like you just got gangbanged by crayola. Anyway, all in good fun right. So get right on what's NEW TO DIP IN :D