What to do If Only One Partner Wants to Come for Counseling

The biggest mistake that people make who are having serious problems in their relationship is to wait for their partner to come in for counseling. Of course, it is helpful to have both people involved, but, waiting forever, is putting your fate in your partner’s hands. What if they never want to come in, what then?

If you learn to approach your partner in the right way, you can change their reaction to you.

Client’s often say to me: "I’ve tried everything" In the past 20 years there has been a great deal of research and it is clear exactly what is necessary to make relationships work. There are eight steps that people who make relationships work do. You may have tried some of them, but to have them work, it is necessary to do all eight it a specific way. Using these steps there is a 91% success rate of having a good relationship. These steps can be taught by a trained professional to anyone who is willing to put the effort in the process. It’s like trying to get into shape and not knowing how to use the equipment.

Think of someone who has a great eye for color and can decorate a room and when they are done it looks great, or an expert mechanic who knows how to fix a motor or a "techie" who can get a computer to work. Over the years with lots of experience and training, I have learned what works in relationships. Though nothing is perfect, I can show you, how to improve what you are doing and how to get a more positive response from your partner than you have been getting.

Client Concerns

Clients say: "He/She just won’t listen",
Answer: People listen, yes even your partner, if they are approached in the right way.

Clients say: "My partner is too stubborn",
Answer: Maybe, but so but, maybe they are angry, frustrated or at a loss as to what to do, so they go back to old patterns and withdraw or attack. Knowing what to say can open the door to new responses.

Clients say: "Why should I change, my partner is being unreasonable" or "I’ve been trying all along and now it’s their turn"
Answer: here is because you are the one that is suffering and because by waiting for them to change, you make yourself into a victim. Something has to change for things to be different.

The secret is learning how to react effectively when your partner does something upsetting or that is aggravating to you. If you know what to do and what to say you have an excellent chance to get a much better response from your partner.

A person coming to therapy is taking control of their life and learning what they can do to make things better. There are many things that you can learn without your partner present, to have a good chance to make your relationship better. If your partner won’t come, I encourage clients to try one session on their own and then decide from there.

Hope this helps,
Dr. Marty

Dr. Marty Tashman is a New Jersey marriage counselor. For more information visit his website YourMarriageCounselor.com