What Lies Within

PART ONE

They held each other very closely and whispered sweet-nothings – he was ready for work, she still had her pink silk pajamas on – it was Tuesday, her day off. She worked three days a week as a psychologist at her practice just down the road. He worked for Allan Gray, an investment company. Joe and Nicole were married for three months and were deeply in love with each other. In their mid-twenties, they carried on like a couple of love-struck teenagers with public displays of affection and the like - everyone they knew were quite amused and secretly envied them for this. They were at it again, in the comfort of their own home.

He ran his right hand down her back, felt her butt and grabbed hold of her thigh, holding it up while positioning himself and dipping her gently, looking straight into her large brown eyes. She smiled and let out a giggle. He kissed her very softly and smiled.
‘I must go,’ he whispered, and brought her back up, picked up his bag, took his coat of the hook, and walked towards the door.

With his hand on the handle he heard her say: ‘Wait’ and she ran towards him. He turned and dropped everything. She threw his arms around his neck, jumped, wrapping her legs around him and kissed him wildly as he held her tight. He felt like he was going to lose his balance, but didn’t. He struggled to breathe, but didn’t mind.

He slowly walked towards the wall and pressed her against it, still kissing. She let herself off him as he pinned her against the wall, kissing, playing with each others tongues – he could feel himself getting a hard-on.

They stopped for a while, she grabbed hold of his shirt on the front as if threatening him and pushed him slightly away from her.

‘You’re coming with me,’ she told him through clenched teeth. Work, he thought, but the thought slipped by. He gave in as she guided him backwards, still holding the front of his shirt, to the bedroom and pushed him onto their unmade bed, climbing over him like a hungry animal. She bit him hard on the neck, sucking too, and he held her head. He kicked off his shoes, loving every bit of this. Time flew, and they had the best sex ever.

As they were dressing up, Joe looked at his watch – half past eight. She asked:
‘Should you even bother going to work now?’
‘I’m sure they’ll allow for a little time, besides, I have evidence.’ He indicated the mark on his neck. She smiled.
‘Yeah, you were attacked by a vampire right?’
‘Sure.’ They laughed, then kissed.
‘I’ll call you. Ta-da,’ he said.
‘’kay, love you.’

With that, he left and she plopped herself back onto their bed, staring at the ceiling, smiling to herself and being thankful once again for living the life she had always dreamed of.

He had mixed feelings tugging away at him as he drove to work.

Joe did love his job, or at least he thought he did, but today particularly, he was very absent minded. At one ‘o clock exactly he picked up the phone and dialed home.
Nicole had been reading at that moment, but jumped up on the first ring, ran to the kitchen and grabbed the phone.
‘Hello?’
‘You’re distracting me.’ He hated himself for the sweet lie, though it was not completely untrue.
‘Oh, hey Joe,’ she replied, acting all surprised. ‘What did I do now?’
‘Nothing, just flooding my mind, that’s all.’ Oh my God, I’m horrible, he thought.
‘Oh shush,’ she giggled. It pained him a little to hear it.
‘Nicky darling, I’m picking you up for lunch alright?’
‘Okay love, I’m ready.’
‘Be there in five.’

He stood at the gate, holding a rose. She opened the door, stood there a while and stared at him, gleaming as she fiddled with the gate keys. She opened the gate, took the rose and held it behind his back as they hugged tightly, cheek-to-cheek. As they pulled away, his hands on her waist and hers around his neck, she asked with a pretentious curious look on her face:
‘Are you thanking me for this morning Mr. Henderson?’
He paused. ‘What do you think Mrs. Henderson?’
‘No, I think you’re just being random.’
‘Okay then.’

They held hands on the way to the car. He opened the door for her, got in his seat and drove to the Ocean Basket close by. They talked about their boring days so far.
As she saw where they were parking, she asked:
‘Seafood?’
‘Yeah,’ he said. ’Why? Feeling for something else?’
‘Nope, it’s perfect,’ she smiled, he returned it.

After they sat down and ordered, he talked as he had roughly planned out during the day at work. He began in a very serious tone:
‘Nicole, I need to talk about something.’
‘What is it babe?’ she asked sweetly. This made him rethink about how she would take this.
‘I think I’m losing it,’ he said plainly and looked down. Her expression changed immediately to one of great concern and curiosity, as if by a switch.
‘What? What are you talking about?’
Hand on his chin, he pondered again about how to put this.
‘I love you, I really do. You’re the only person in the world I have.’ She leaned back slightly. ‘Yet, I feel disconnected. Something’s very wrong and I don’t know if I can fix it. I’m going crazy, my mind feels like it’s about to blow.’ There went all his plans, out the door as he raised his hands to his head, clenching his teeth and beginning to tear out of frustration. She was quite shocked and reached over the table quickly, holding her hands out for him to hold, and he did.
‘Baby,’ she said softly. He leaned forward and continued.
‘You’re the only person keeping me sane, Nicole; you’re the only thing keeping me sane.’ He paused. ’I love you so much, I’ll die without you.’ He said this with a lot of conviction, making sure she knew that he meant every word. She nodded gently, beginning to tear too, holding his hands very tight.
‘Now say something, please,’ he said, quite insistently. She loosened her grip as she started to speak, slowly.
‘Honey, I had no idea. You should have spoken to me before.’
‘But I didn’t want you to – ‘. She cut him off.
‘No, it’s important, Joe. I love you. And of course I’d understand - I’m your only source of sanity right?’ This made him smile slightly through his tears. He nodded.
‘Let’s go home. You’re not going back to work,’ she ordered.
‘Okay, after this,’ he said as the food arrived.
They ate quite silently, consumed in their own thoughts. He was somehow glad he said what he did, getting some of it off his chest. He knew it was still far from everything. The rest was inexplicable and would have to stay with him forever, as much as he loved her. She thought about what he had said, and thinking about what he meant and why she couldn’t see it coming.

‘You hid it from me so well,’ she said in the car.
‘Sorry,’ he replied. Silence again.
Back home, she hugged him tightly, held his head and whispered tearfully in his ear: ‘I don’t ever want to lose you. Stay with me, Joe, please stay with me.’ He kissed her cheek. He was quite marveled at her words. It reassured him that she loved him just as much and also understood perfectly what he meant. What an amazing person she was.
He put the kettle on for some tea and they sat at the table, silent for a while, until they were calmed down enough to speak.
‘Disconnected, you say?’ She said while leaning on her arm.
He giggled softly. ‘I’m one of your patients now, aren’t I?’
‘If you like,’ she said, ‘except I’m not going to charge you of course.’ They smiled.
‘Well, yes - like I’m not a part of this world, you know. I’ve been edgy too, hay. I’ve been taking off with everyone for silly reasons, just losing patience, I don’t know why. I feel like I’m losing grip of everything.’ He wondered if he hadn’t lost his grip completely.
‘Okay, look,’ she started in quite an informative tone. ‘Close your eyes.’ So he did. ‘In this world we are all part of this network, see. We are all connected to each other. I want you to imagine these connections as visible, as wires, cables, or whatever.’ He nodded. She spoke slowly, softly and deliberately.
‘The network works pretty much like this: if you imagine yourself as part of the network, so you are. But, you also have the choice to not be a part of the network. This happens to lots of us for certain periods. Soon though, we all find out that the benefits and the fruits of life can only be gained within this network. We gain nothing from being away.’ She paused.
‘Now you, dear, have distanced yourself far, far away. But, I am glad that you still realise that you have me, and that we are closely connected via LAN or whatever.’ He smiled and laughed softly, eyes still closed. ‘But you have to fix your connections to the rest of the world. I want you to do this exercise for just a few minutes everyday, in the morning perhaps. Imagine everyone involved in your life and imagine those physical connections. - You can open your eyes now.’
He did. He smiled lovingly at her, got up and walked slowly towards her.
‘How much?’ he asked.
‘Well, ha-ha. That’s going to cost you at least lunch and a movie on Saturday,’ she replied and smiled as he wrapped his arms around her from the back and kissed her cheek, ‘Deal,’ he said.