What Is Life?

With each day passing by, I am no longer sure what I am going towards. What is life? It seems like a misery for existence, if you ask me. My life’s like one great big ball of shit. I must find a way out!

Every good damn job on this planet requires you to go to school and have years of education. Well, what if I don’t like school? I’m not clever. I’ve got no real friends here, although they claim to be. I’m different. And not in a good way. I know that.

Is it because others have a goal in life? Do I have a goal? Sure.. try to be a good Christian because nothing else matters in this world more than that. Because the religion tells us that the after life is what really matters therefore our lives are very difficult here.

But what about me? I have no feeling for anyone or anything. Sure, I may act like it, but when I become lonely, restless or discriminated against, I get dragged to the same feeling of loneliness and despair.

God, help me if I were to do something stupid, today, or any other day for that matter. But then again, I have done too many stupid things so far in my seventeen years of bitter existence. Such things are only for me to know and I do not wish to discuss it on paper. However, God knows, for he sees everything and everyone.

No one actually knows me in this world. It’s probably because I never open up to anyone for I fear they will misunderstand me, turn away and never wish to see my face again. What does it matter, though? People turn away from me now.

I wish this nightmare would end and turn into…nothingness. Please God. Please, help me if I were to do anything unrealistic. Although, committing suicide does sound a lot more enticing than being a loner at this school. Sure, I have friends but it’s on the inside that I feel like a loner. It’s the inside that counts. Always. The inside.

I guess I will continue to survive this nightmare and hope to a see a light someday, for I am lost in darkness. My eyes feel as if they’re about to burst in tears…again…when no one is looking…alone…in my room…when everyone is asleep…no one will hear me…no one is there…I’m alone. I cry out loud…for hours...until everything fades to black.

Yet, I will have to hold on and show that I have no weaknesses to anything or anybody…although this is completely false. My mother always told me I was rather good at acting. And that is what I do. Everyday. Act. Play a part that is not me. Play a part that I, myself, do not even recognize. I put up a front. The front that I developed a long time ago, that hides all my insecurities, my lack of self-confidence and that front is a hundred times bigger than me. Whatever picture I paint of who they think I am – confident, cheeky – is not who I am. I am different from the person I put out there. My other self gets on stage and doesn’t really care what people think about her. She likes people looking at her. She likes being dramatic and funny. The other me would never even think of stepping on stage and certainly would never even dream of doing GCSE Drama. Heaven forbid!Forgive me for who I am and what I am. I really did not want my life to turn out like this… I’ve said enough for today. I’ll keep going with my life and see how long I can live through this.

I’m going now…and possibly doing something completely worthless such as sleeping or…