Until You Were Gone Chapter 2

How do you describe a funeral?
Dark, sad, depressing? It was all of those for me, if not more. Horrific would be the correct word. Sitting in a crowd of people who thought they knew him. Who thought they were his friends. Well they were wrong! Only I knew him, only I knew his mannerisms. Like the way he wrinkled his nose when I tickled him, or the way he liked to sleep on his back with his arms around me, or that he liked to eat turkey and ketchup sandwiches. Disgusting, I know, but it was what made me love him. It's what MAKES me love him.

He was 19. In what universe is that right? Gone at 19. He had his whole life to live; we had a whole life to live together. I stared all around me at the people dressed in black as a sign of respect. Well, dressing in black was not a fitting tribute to Nathan.

I sat in the church, surrounded by dark clothes, dressed in Nathan's favorite red football jersey. This was a tribute. I was doing the right thing. I sounded selfish, like everyone was kicking mud on Nathan's memory, but I was just so hurt I couldn't let anyone else in. I didn't want anyone else. I just wanted Nathan.

As the coffin was carried to the alter, my heart stopped. It was officially over. It would be the last chance I got to say a fitting goodbye to my soulmate. I stared at the dark wood that he was encased in; my heart pounding with fear. I would have to survive without him, without his love.

As the priest began to read a passage from the Bible, I zoned out. I knew Nathan wouldn't mind, church was never his kind of thing. I stared into space for what felt like hours when I heard someone call my name. I looked around and realized that the priest was ready for me to say a few words.

I stood and walked over to the microphone. I stared at the sea of black and cleared my throat.

'Where do I begin? How do I describe Nathan? In all honesty, I can't. But I can tell you how he made me feel and how he made my world seem like it was complete. Nathan was the best friend I ever had, he always will be. He is my soulmate, no past tense about it. He will always be the love of my life and I will never forget him. He will always complete me and his love will always be with me. He made me feel like I was worth the universe and that's how I felt about him...' I paused, the tears threatening to take over.

'He was worth everything.'

As the tears began to streak down my face, I walked back to my seat. Finally, Nathan's coffin was carried out of the church and into the cemetery. This was the bit I didn't want to see, but I couldn't not say goodbye to the most amazing person I'd ever met. I needed to say goodbye, I would never forgive myself if I didn't.

I walked slowly towards the plot where Nathan would be buried and broke down at the sight of the hollow cavern in the dirt. This is where he would spend the rest of eternity. It wasn't right, and I was furious at God for Nathan being taken away from me. I was angry at everyone in the world for him being gone. I wanted to scream that it wasn't true, that he wasn't really gone, but he was.

He was dead.

He was gently lowered into the ground and his family members began to throw dirt on to his coffin. I couldn't. I couldn't help them stick him in the ground. He wasn't supposed to be there. I couldn't breathe and I couldn't see. I gasped for air, trying desperately to find the one thing that had kept me going. After what felt like a lifetime, I pulled the locket that Nathan had bought me for our second anniversary out from under his football jersey. I carefully opened the delicate clasp and stared at the photograph stuck inside.

It was us.

When everything was normal.

When life was easy.

I stood there staring at the photo and held the locket tightly in my hand. I would always wear his locket so he would always be close to my heart. The crowd began to thin around the grave until it was just me standing there. Me and my too good to be true, beautiful boyfriend.

'I love you, Nathan, always remember that.' I whispered the words I'd said to him just before he died.

I repeated the words he'd said to me, seconds before he'd left this world: 'I love you too, Frankie. Don't worry its something I'll never forget.'

I walked away from his grave, repeating the words I'd written in the letter that I'd placed close to his heart in his coffin:

'Nate,
You wouldn't believe how much I miss you. You could imagine how much, but it still wouldn't be enough.

If I'm honest, I don't know what I'm meant to do without you. My life seems so aimless these days, like I have nothing to live for. You're not here so what's the point.

I couldn't tell you how many time I've gone to call you and remembered that you weren't there. It breaks my heart every time. Shatters it into tiny pieces.

I just want you to know that I love you and I'll never forget how happy you made me. I'll never forget the way you used to stroke my face so I'd fall to sleep, or the way you kissed me. Or the way you loved me, because after all, you were the best at that. Your love was the best thing that ever happened to me. I'll always be grateful to you for showing me what it means to be in love.

I will always love you.

I will always be yours.

Frankie x.'