Unknown Hurt

Bounded by the blindness of your infection of unaffection,
I fall ill,
I tumble into depression,
I am diagnosed on what I know most,
Insecurity and loneliness.

I am known to be the lady that paints beings souls with a smile,
Showing my care for them,
Allows them to see the act,
Of my fictitious monologue of my life.

I plaka paint my canvas as beautifully and expressionistically as I can,
To cover up the bruises as dents and re-used material,
Don’t you see people, that I am not ok,
Of course society lays a smile and crisps thinking, "she is ok".

I cannot finger point the reason for the way you make me feel,
I cannot multiple-choice mark the answers to my depro,
Oh so electro,
And unfathomable, feeling.

Bag lady carry my woes,
Put all my moments of tears and anguish back in your womb,
Because I was birthed to walk this earth undisputed,
Yet my home base is holding me back from my future phase.

I am thankful that I am a poet,
God knew I had feelings to speak about,
Stories to tell out loud,
Crowds to face like now.

But the one crowd I cannot face is you,
For every time my heart decides to appear,
Bloody emotional soul decides to tear,
And my mind will just not adhere.

Noted internalization,
Conflicted within myself to deal with myself,
Memories of the good times are being shoved,
By present books of emotion,
Burdened on the shelf.

I cannot speak,
I am dumb to those freckles of anguish that are twitching to be seen,
Neither can I call a friend because this is one question that the host,
That is me, cannot breathe.

Lay in bed at night after the shuttering waves of shored life,
The one time I am actually alone,
I try to hear my voice to soothe myself,
But all it is doing is mimicking you.

Ballads of love my spirit tries to massage into me,
Yet the hardmetal of your words scrape the inside of me,
See,
I don’t even know why I’ve allowed you to control me internally.

So I sleep,
And work on the next day to be better than prior,
Smell my cup of tea to remember the feeling of desire,
And know that on these leaves of life that I intake,
Just for that while,
I’ll be away from you and,
I will feel higher, higher.

Then come back to you.