Two Years Without You
I wrote this on my father's 2nd death anniversary, the first in a series of essays/letters I am writing on my dad....Comments very much welcome!
It’s November 9, 2008, Daddy, and you have been gone for two years. Funny, but I still think of you as here. In our old house, with Mommy, waiting for me to visit. Every time I come home, I am almost always surprised that you are not there. Those times, like right now, I miss you keenly. And while I understand that you are now in a happier place, there is a selfish part of me that wishes that you are still here, physically, with me. With us.
I miss you so. I miss you so much my heart breaks, literally. I wish that you were here. I wish I could talk to you. I wish that you could see my son. I wish that you could see me with him. I wish to see you with him. I want him to know you. I want you to know him.
I have cried buckets of tears. For myself, because I miss you. For Mom, because she is not the same without you. For my son, because he remembers so little of you. For my siblings because I am not sure if they knew or understood you. For you, because I am not sure if we were able to let you know how much we really loved you, how important an influence you had been to all of us.
These are tears of sadness, true, but gratefulness as well. You have made me who I am today. You had been – are – the most significant influence in my life, my father, my best friend, the one who guided me through the years, who helped me find myself.
I thank you for always being there for me, for accepting who I am while challenging me to strive to be the best that I can be. I thank you for your guiding hand, for your wise words, for your pride in my accomplishments, your acceptance of my faults. I appreciate your quiet but solid presence for most of my life, your support in my most vulnerable moments.
Most of all, I thank you for teaching me life’s most important lessons:
1. That there is peace in solitude.
2. That life, for all its joys and pains, is beautiful.
3. That nothing and no one is all-important, but everything and everyone is significant in the greater scheme of things.
4. That we do not own ourselves: one must live one’s life for others, especially those we love.
5. That what matters is not who one is, or what the world thinks he can or cannot accomplish. A person can be anyone he wishes to be for as long as he is true to himself.
6. That each person is a product of one’s world – good or bad – and must be understood and dealt with in that light.
7. That we cannot control everything, but we can control ourselves. Thus, we have to learn to let go of things that we cannot change, so we can concentrate on making the most of every situation.
8. That we must live with the consequences of our decisions.
9. That loving means nurturing and then letting go.
10. That no one is perfect, but we can all perfectly love.
I will never forget you, Daddy, and I’ll never stop loving you. Rest assured that I shall teach these same lessons to my son. This will be your legacy, my tribute to your memory, my means of repaying you for your generosity and love.
I pray that you are happy where you are, and imagine that you continue to watch over us.
I love you Daddy.
I miss you so. I miss you so much my heart breaks, literally. I wish that you were here. I wish I could talk to you. I wish that you could see my son. I wish that you could see me with him. I wish to see you with him. I want him to know you. I want you to know him.
I have cried buckets of tears. For myself, because I miss you. For Mom, because she is not the same without you. For my son, because he remembers so little of you. For my siblings because I am not sure if they knew or understood you. For you, because I am not sure if we were able to let you know how much we really loved you, how important an influence you had been to all of us.
These are tears of sadness, true, but gratefulness as well. You have made me who I am today. You had been – are – the most significant influence in my life, my father, my best friend, the one who guided me through the years, who helped me find myself.
I thank you for always being there for me, for accepting who I am while challenging me to strive to be the best that I can be. I thank you for your guiding hand, for your wise words, for your pride in my accomplishments, your acceptance of my faults. I appreciate your quiet but solid presence for most of my life, your support in my most vulnerable moments.
Most of all, I thank you for teaching me life’s most important lessons:
1. That there is peace in solitude.
2. That life, for all its joys and pains, is beautiful.
3. That nothing and no one is all-important, but everything and everyone is significant in the greater scheme of things.
4. That we do not own ourselves: one must live one’s life for others, especially those we love.
5. That what matters is not who one is, or what the world thinks he can or cannot accomplish. A person can be anyone he wishes to be for as long as he is true to himself.
6. That each person is a product of one’s world – good or bad – and must be understood and dealt with in that light.
7. That we cannot control everything, but we can control ourselves. Thus, we have to learn to let go of things that we cannot change, so we can concentrate on making the most of every situation.
8. That we must live with the consequences of our decisions.
9. That loving means nurturing and then letting go.
10. That no one is perfect, but we can all perfectly love.
I will never forget you, Daddy, and I’ll never stop loving you. Rest assured that I shall teach these same lessons to my son. This will be your legacy, my tribute to your memory, my means of repaying you for your generosity and love.
I pray that you are happy where you are, and imagine that you continue to watch over us.
I love you Daddy.
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