Tough Love

Okay, so I'm a little concerned for some of the teenagers and young adults I meet in the course of my work who seemingly have everything handed to them on a platter.

It's not all the things which are done for, or given to, them that concerns me; it's the life skills, the people skills, the relationship skills, the coping skills and the practical skills they're not developing, which worries me.

Kids who have never made a bed.
Kids who have never been disciplined.
Kids who have never had to work for anything.
Kids who don't understand the meaning of no.
Kids who don't 'get' that the majority of the world lives somewhere close to the poverty line.
Kids who don't really have any perspective of a world beyond their front door.
Kids who have never had any consequences for their bad behaviour because mum and dad have always bailed them out.

Over the last few years I have been involved with an increasing number of interfering, meddling, over-protective, paranoid (yes, well-intending and loving) parents who have successfully produced kids with virtually no skills for life in the real world; not the synthetic, manufactured version of the world they were raised in; but the dirty, lumpy, bumpy, unfair, unpredictable world that most of us inhabit.

They love their kids and want the best for them but sometimes it's more loving to let a child fall over, get a little grubby, dust herself off, get up and keep going, than it is to race her off to the doctor every time she gets a scratch on her knee.

Sometimes in an effort to 'protect' our children we actually make them more vulnerable. In an attempt to keep them safe we unintentionally put them in harms way because we raise them in an environment which doesn't allow them to adapt, learn, cope, fail ... and occasionally fall over and feel some pain.

We're all familiar with the old Chinese Proverb:

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.

This lesson has a multitude of applications and implications, with the obvious message being that when we teach someone something of value, and help them develop practical skills, we help them survive and thrive in the world.

We may avoid the quick fix, but we help them in the long-term.
A little short-term pain for some long-term gain.
We let them grow and learn by doing rather than having it done for them.
We open them up to a world of new possibilities.
We help them become adaptable, resourceful and independent.

We can teach them about the real world.
The one where there are consequences for bad behaviour.
The one where mum and dad don't 'fix' everything when Junior stuffs up.
The one where kids learn invaluable, and often painful life-lessons, every day.
The one where kids develop values, standards and perspective because they actually have to work for things.
The one where kids aren't given everything they want.

So let's explore the concept of tough love.

What is loving?
Is it:
a) bailing the kid out of trouble every time, or is it
b) making the kid deal with the consequences of her actions?

Is it:
a) handing him a new car for his birthday, or is it
b) teaching him how to work, save money and buy his own car?

Is it:
a) rewarding her with gifts and prizes for doing 'normal' things (passing an exam) or
b) giving her a hug and telling her you're proud?

Is it:
a) buying him the best cubby-house or
b) building a cubby-house with him?

Is it:
a) getting her the best lawyer money can buy or
b) letting her lose her license for speeding?

What do you think?