Toilet Paper Tragedy
Imagine my dismay when I discover there's no more toilet paper in the bathroom. Go ahead! Imagine it!!
What a terrible night I had last night. I thought I was doing myself a favor by eating that whole tin of rendered beef tallow and following it with a bowl of baked beans. I'm usually incredibly hungry at work and the violent churning and growling of my stomach not only distracts me from the stack of paperwork I have to complete, but is also quite offensive to the employees who pass by my desk. So I wolfed down more than my fair share of the previously mentioned tallow and beans and headed out the door with my belly full and my head clear, ready for another night.
Around 11pm, my stomach started bubbling fiercely. I realized that this rumbling was not caused by hunger, but by something much worse. I began to panic. You see, I work this lobby desk alone and I'm not allowed to leave the desk without having someone else there to cover me. Since there was no one there, I was going to have to tough this one out. Five minutes later, when I experienced an episode of explosive flatulence that stung my nostrils as I inhaled, I knew there was no way I would be able to carry on normally. I sprung from my chair and leapt over the desk, smashing a large flower vase to bits in the process, and bolted for the bathroom. I tried the first door. Locked. Damn.. I tried the second. A blast of musty air hit my face as the door swung open. I brushed aside the fact that it was the women's restroom and slammed and locked the door. My pants hit the floor and my rectum erupted into the commode.
Relief poured over me. I wiped the sweat from my soaked forehead and reached for the toilet paper dispenser. What I felt there sent cold chills up and down my spine.. All I felt was cardboard. I searched the empty brown tube for any remaining scraps that could be useful to me. Nothing was there. I scanned the floor of the tiny bathroom, searching for something.. Some kind of crude tool perhaps that I could use as a makeshift spoon or scraper.. Nothing... I reached behind my porcelain throne, running my fingers along where the floor met the wall behind me. There I found the remains of what looked to be the wrapping of the previous roll of toilet paper. (apparently, the rolls at my workplace are wrapped individually in something similar to tissue paper) I looked on the side of the wrapping and there I saw it:
Cottonelle
with Aloe & E
For questions, comments, issues, and concerns,
call 1-800-391-2749, 24 hours a day and speak with
a customer service representative.
Hands trembling, I pulled out my cellular telephone and dialed the number on the wrapper....
Customer Service Rep: Good evening Sir or Ma'am. You've reached Cottonelle quality hygiene products. How may I be of assistance?
Me: Hello.. Uh.. Well...I'm in the bathroom right now and uh.. I've just taken a massive bowel movement and there doesn't seem to be any toilet paper in here and I saw your number and well.. could you maybe, I don't know.. help me in some way?
Customer Service: Sir, is this a joke?
Me: No it's no joke. Geeze! A small midget just came out of me and I need some assistance! Just as fast as you can get here would be great.
Customer Service: Sir, I don't really know what you expect us to do. We deal in retail and customer assistance. Maybe you should call for some help.
Me: Are you crazy?!? And let someone come in here and see me like this? No! For the love of all that's fair and good, would you please just help me?!?
Customer Service: Please stop yelling at me Sir. Are you wearing socks? Maybe you could take off your sock and use that.
Me: Uh oh.. My rectum is winking now.. Does that mean more doo-doo is going to come out? Good Lord, it stinks!
Customer Service: Uh.. Yeah. Maybe just wait until you're done to clean off. Sir, I have to get off the line.
Me: It's winking repeatedly now.. What should I do? Can you bring me some toilet paper?
Customer Service: Sir, it doesn't work that way. Maybe you should call the hospital..
Me: No! For crying out loud, I'm not injured! I just need your assistance! So you think I should just use my sock?
Customer Service: Yes Sir, I'd say just use your sock and clean up a little more later.
Me: Alright. Thank you.
Customer Service: You're welcome. Have a nice day.
Me: Goodbye.
I pulled off my boot and peeled off my sock. Three minutes later, I was done (and sockless, underwearless, as well as undershirtless). After three or four tries, I managed to flush all of my soiled underclothing down the commode. I stood up, walked to the sink and washed my hands. Then I grabbed three or four paper towels off the top of the large stack of them that sat next to the sink and I dried my hands. I just love the way paper towels feel on my freshly washed hands. Then I blew my nose on a few more of the paper towels and started for the bathroom door, pausing only briefly to snatch up a few more paper towels and enjoy how soft they felt on my hands and face.
Around 11pm, my stomach started bubbling fiercely. I realized that this rumbling was not caused by hunger, but by something much worse. I began to panic. You see, I work this lobby desk alone and I'm not allowed to leave the desk without having someone else there to cover me. Since there was no one there, I was going to have to tough this one out. Five minutes later, when I experienced an episode of explosive flatulence that stung my nostrils as I inhaled, I knew there was no way I would be able to carry on normally. I sprung from my chair and leapt over the desk, smashing a large flower vase to bits in the process, and bolted for the bathroom. I tried the first door. Locked. Damn.. I tried the second. A blast of musty air hit my face as the door swung open. I brushed aside the fact that it was the women's restroom and slammed and locked the door. My pants hit the floor and my rectum erupted into the commode.
Relief poured over me. I wiped the sweat from my soaked forehead and reached for the toilet paper dispenser. What I felt there sent cold chills up and down my spine.. All I felt was cardboard. I searched the empty brown tube for any remaining scraps that could be useful to me. Nothing was there. I scanned the floor of the tiny bathroom, searching for something.. Some kind of crude tool perhaps that I could use as a makeshift spoon or scraper.. Nothing... I reached behind my porcelain throne, running my fingers along where the floor met the wall behind me. There I found the remains of what looked to be the wrapping of the previous roll of toilet paper. (apparently, the rolls at my workplace are wrapped individually in something similar to tissue paper) I looked on the side of the wrapping and there I saw it:
Cottonelle
with Aloe & E
For questions, comments, issues, and concerns,
call 1-800-391-2749, 24 hours a day and speak with
a customer service representative.
Hands trembling, I pulled out my cellular telephone and dialed the number on the wrapper....
Customer Service Rep: Good evening Sir or Ma'am. You've reached Cottonelle quality hygiene products. How may I be of assistance?
Me: Hello.. Uh.. Well...I'm in the bathroom right now and uh.. I've just taken a massive bowel movement and there doesn't seem to be any toilet paper in here and I saw your number and well.. could you maybe, I don't know.. help me in some way?
Customer Service: Sir, is this a joke?
Me: No it's no joke. Geeze! A small midget just came out of me and I need some assistance! Just as fast as you can get here would be great.
Customer Service: Sir, I don't really know what you expect us to do. We deal in retail and customer assistance. Maybe you should call for some help.
Me: Are you crazy?!? And let someone come in here and see me like this? No! For the love of all that's fair and good, would you please just help me?!?
Customer Service: Please stop yelling at me Sir. Are you wearing socks? Maybe you could take off your sock and use that.
Me: Uh oh.. My rectum is winking now.. Does that mean more doo-doo is going to come out? Good Lord, it stinks!
Customer Service: Uh.. Yeah. Maybe just wait until you're done to clean off. Sir, I have to get off the line.
Me: It's winking repeatedly now.. What should I do? Can you bring me some toilet paper?
Customer Service: Sir, it doesn't work that way. Maybe you should call the hospital..
Me: No! For crying out loud, I'm not injured! I just need your assistance! So you think I should just use my sock?
Customer Service: Yes Sir, I'd say just use your sock and clean up a little more later.
Me: Alright. Thank you.
Customer Service: You're welcome. Have a nice day.
Me: Goodbye.
I pulled off my boot and peeled off my sock. Three minutes later, I was done (and sockless, underwearless, as well as undershirtless). After three or four tries, I managed to flush all of my soiled underclothing down the commode. I stood up, walked to the sink and washed my hands. Then I grabbed three or four paper towels off the top of the large stack of them that sat next to the sink and I dried my hands. I just love the way paper towels feel on my freshly washed hands. Then I blew my nose on a few more of the paper towels and started for the bathroom door, pausing only briefly to snatch up a few more paper towels and enjoy how soft they felt on my hands and face.
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