Thoughts in a Wayward Mind

If I were given one single wish, I'd be in a bit of a quandary. Should I a) lose weight and attain the perfect figure? b) wish to be rich beyond my wildest dreams with which I'd probably be able to buy myself a perfect figure, and the clothes and accessories to go with it? Or should I c) turn back time, to get back the one that got away, not eat all the things that got me where I am (having already eaten them in the future, makes me have my cake and eat it too in a weird sort of way) and be what I envision now as 'happy'?

Retrospection is deceiving. In the clouded realms of memory lie glossed over bad patches of anger, hurt and disappointment, while the good times, seem highlighted with a glossy sheen. Not to say that there haven't been good times, there have, but similarly, there have been bad times as well - they just seem harder to remember. If someone were to come to me for advice (you'd be surprised at how many people do) what would I say? I'd say be faithful. Try hard. And love with all your heart. Because at the end, if it does come, the last thing you'd want to have hanging over you like your own little raincloud, is the question: What if I'd been faithful? What if I'd tried harder? What if I hadn't messed up?

In a strange way, some things seem more highlighted than others. Chance remarks, things that made me laugh, and those that made me smile. It's comforting to be in a relationship, one where you feel loved and lucky and happy - even if it's just some of the time. There are shared moments, there's shared happiness and there's shared love, and what a feeling it is to be loved. There's nothing quite like it in the world. Not even baking smells on a cold winter's morning, and a cup of coffee warming cold palms and mingling with foggy puffs of breath, while I ponder the world's beauty in old sweats and warm socks. I like old sweats and warm socks, what can I say?

In many ways, we look for the things that are beyond us - what if I could get him back? Would I want to? Would it make the hurt go away? Wouldn't it always be just a little bit worse? I don't know. I seem to run away, even now, so many days on. Not sure, not trusting myself to come up and face the music. What do I want? It takes time to work through the emotion, sort through the mess. And in more ways than one, I know, that this time is good for me, in the way that many things that are good for you seem horrible when you're going through them. But there's comfort and solace in the fact that there will be a time when I'll look back and say that it was good for me. I need this time, I know I do. That doesn't mean I have to like it.

Through the angst and the anger, through the hurt and the pain, through the tears and the tantrums, it lasted. It lasted through distance and phone calls, days that stretched into months, months that stretched into years. So when it's gone, there are things, people places and things that you can't stop - can't rid yourself of, no matter how hard you try.

I've made mistakes, I know I have. I've relished and rejoiced in my messed up state, morbidly fascinated with such a cool state of mind - after all, who isn't messed up: aren't you at all? Am I more messed up now? Probably not. The mists are clearing, attachment and affection are differentiating themselves from love and lust, almost like categories that are forming with neat little headings at the top of uniform rows and columns. A- attachment, B- affection, C- Soft spot, D- Concern. It's all clearer now, as is the understanding that you don't mix attraction with any of the above, and should you feel it, which is natural, you choose not to act on it. A bit late, yes, but better late than never, isn't it?