The Turkey for Jack (Part 2)
The second part of my epic tale...
Jack's Camry coasted smoothly into the driveway in front of the large two story house where I waited, crouching deviously in the bushes. I was grateful that he'd arrived so promptly. I feared that my small bladder was dangerously close to bursting and filling my innards with toxic yellow piss. Earlier that day, I'd been at the internet cafe, slurping down lattes one after another and I'd neglected to pass water before embarking on my mission.
Jack hopped out of his automobile and searched the yard and street for Mr. Clark Duffington, the wealthy businessman who was supposedly house hunting. Little did he know that there was no Clark Duffington. I chuckled and watched as Jack took out a set of keys and began walking down the walkway towards the front door. He was wearing a crisp pair of slacks and an expensive looking blue blazer. His dress shoes sparkled under the midday sun and they clicked on the pavement as he strode along, whistling a cheerful tune.
As Jack passed in front of my bush, I let out a bloodcurdling scream, sprung, and pounced like a hungry lion. I tackled him onto the lawn, his blazer sliding along the grass, no doubt staining it and his slacks with permanent brownish green streaks. It had rained earlier in the day and the ground was soft and moist underneath him.
Jack let out a cry like a wounded gazelle and struggled violently to get away, but I latched onto his ankles with the grip of a ferocious Viking and he was powerless to escape. He turned onto his side and looked into the eyes of his attacker for the first time. A horrified expression immediately appeared on his face and his lip quivered.
"YOU!!! I SHOULD'VE KNOWN!!! I...I SHOULD'VE KNOWN!!!!",/i>
"Jack!!! Old pal!" I shouted triumphantly, a terrible smile on my mud-splattered face. "You've fallen victim to my amazing ruse! Now you are in my clutches and you will surely provide me with the information that I seek!"
"Please! Please, just let me go and stop tormenting me and my family!" Jack begged.
I guffawed heartily at his pathetic pleas and sank my teeth into his calf. Jack shrieked and once again began thrashing to get free, digging up soggy grass and dirt and no doubt completely ruining his outfit. The sudden movement on his part must've jostled my innards because my bladder released and I felt my lower half become warm. The musty stench filled the air and Jack let out a disgusted yell.
"Calm yourself Jack," I warned him, "See what you've done? I will let you go on your merry way as soon as I get my hands on the information that you possess!"
"What do you want?!?" Jack pleaded, "Anything! You want money? Here! Take it!! Just let me go!!!"
He reached for his wallet and threw a handful of twenty dollar bills in my direction.
"No, you fool! I don't want your filthy money!!" I bellowed, releasing his ankles and pocketing the bills greedily. "I only wish to know the location of this year's Thanksgiving celebration! My invitation was lost in the mail yet again this year!"
"Your invitation wasn't lost!", Jack cried, tears streaming down his fat face, "You weren't sent an invitation! You weren't invited! Don't you get it?? After the last time you attended, nobody wanted you there anymore! You made an embarrassment out of yourself and offended practically everybody in attendance!"
I stared at him with rage, shocked by this foolish cretin's horrible lies.
"You're babbling falsehoods, you horrible excuse for a man!" I roared, "Everyone loves having me around! They love my hilarious anecdotes and my gentlemanly charm! How dare you!?!"
"Don't you remember? You got belligerently drunk and accused our grandmother of cheating on her husband with the milkman!"
"You lie!! How dare you slander my good name!?!" I screamed. This man was surely in danger of being completely destroyed.
"I can't believe you don't remember that!!" Jack replied, tears gushing down his rosy cheeks. "You were standing on top of the dinner table with your shirt off, screaming accusations... and grandmother doesn't even HAVE a milkman!! She lives in a God damned nursing home!!"
"LIES!!!"I boomed, launching myself on top of him again and stuffing his mouth with grass and soil.
"Alright! ALRIGHT!!!!" Jack garbled through the mouthful of sod, "I'll tell you where it is, you lunatic!!!"
I released my grip on his neck and allowed him to clear his mouth of filth as I pulled out a writing tablet and a pen and prepared to copy.
"Well?" I growled.
"It's in Dallas. At Uncle Frank and Aunt Meredith's house." Frank gasped, "Thanksgiving dinner is at three in the afternoon. Dress nicely and try to bring a dish... and actually bring something appropriate, not like last time when you brought those terrible fish planks."
It was true. Last time I'd attended, I'd opened several tins of mackerel and placed them on a plate. Then I'd covered them with foil and claimed that I'd caught them out of the ocean and cooked them myself.
Prior to being put onto the Thanksgiving dinner table, they'd endured hours of sitting in the trunk of my car. The drive to the celebration was long and it was unnaturally warm for that time of the year so they were indeed rancid.
After forcing Jack to eat a large portion of garbage that had been in the back seat of my car for quite some time, I departed the large two story house and drove back to my apartment to get my tuxedo out of mothballs. Thanksgiving was going to be wonderful, as always.
Jack hopped out of his automobile and searched the yard and street for Mr. Clark Duffington, the wealthy businessman who was supposedly house hunting. Little did he know that there was no Clark Duffington. I chuckled and watched as Jack took out a set of keys and began walking down the walkway towards the front door. He was wearing a crisp pair of slacks and an expensive looking blue blazer. His dress shoes sparkled under the midday sun and they clicked on the pavement as he strode along, whistling a cheerful tune.
As Jack passed in front of my bush, I let out a bloodcurdling scream, sprung, and pounced like a hungry lion. I tackled him onto the lawn, his blazer sliding along the grass, no doubt staining it and his slacks with permanent brownish green streaks. It had rained earlier in the day and the ground was soft and moist underneath him.
Jack let out a cry like a wounded gazelle and struggled violently to get away, but I latched onto his ankles with the grip of a ferocious Viking and he was powerless to escape. He turned onto his side and looked into the eyes of his attacker for the first time. A horrified expression immediately appeared on his face and his lip quivered.
"YOU!!! I SHOULD'VE KNOWN!!! I...I SHOULD'VE KNOWN!!!!",/i>
"Jack!!! Old pal!" I shouted triumphantly, a terrible smile on my mud-splattered face. "You've fallen victim to my amazing ruse! Now you are in my clutches and you will surely provide me with the information that I seek!"
"Please! Please, just let me go and stop tormenting me and my family!" Jack begged.
I guffawed heartily at his pathetic pleas and sank my teeth into his calf. Jack shrieked and once again began thrashing to get free, digging up soggy grass and dirt and no doubt completely ruining his outfit. The sudden movement on his part must've jostled my innards because my bladder released and I felt my lower half become warm. The musty stench filled the air and Jack let out a disgusted yell.
"Calm yourself Jack," I warned him, "See what you've done? I will let you go on your merry way as soon as I get my hands on the information that you possess!"
"What do you want?!?" Jack pleaded, "Anything! You want money? Here! Take it!! Just let me go!!!"
He reached for his wallet and threw a handful of twenty dollar bills in my direction.
"No, you fool! I don't want your filthy money!!" I bellowed, releasing his ankles and pocketing the bills greedily. "I only wish to know the location of this year's Thanksgiving celebration! My invitation was lost in the mail yet again this year!"
"Your invitation wasn't lost!", Jack cried, tears streaming down his fat face, "You weren't sent an invitation! You weren't invited! Don't you get it?? After the last time you attended, nobody wanted you there anymore! You made an embarrassment out of yourself and offended practically everybody in attendance!"
I stared at him with rage, shocked by this foolish cretin's horrible lies.
"You're babbling falsehoods, you horrible excuse for a man!" I roared, "Everyone loves having me around! They love my hilarious anecdotes and my gentlemanly charm! How dare you!?!"
"Don't you remember? You got belligerently drunk and accused our grandmother of cheating on her husband with the milkman!"
"You lie!! How dare you slander my good name!?!" I screamed. This man was surely in danger of being completely destroyed.
"I can't believe you don't remember that!!" Jack replied, tears gushing down his rosy cheeks. "You were standing on top of the dinner table with your shirt off, screaming accusations... and grandmother doesn't even HAVE a milkman!! She lives in a God damned nursing home!!"
"LIES!!!"I boomed, launching myself on top of him again and stuffing his mouth with grass and soil.
"Alright! ALRIGHT!!!!" Jack garbled through the mouthful of sod, "I'll tell you where it is, you lunatic!!!"
I released my grip on his neck and allowed him to clear his mouth of filth as I pulled out a writing tablet and a pen and prepared to copy.
"Well?" I growled.
"It's in Dallas. At Uncle Frank and Aunt Meredith's house." Frank gasped, "Thanksgiving dinner is at three in the afternoon. Dress nicely and try to bring a dish... and actually bring something appropriate, not like last time when you brought those terrible fish planks."
It was true. Last time I'd attended, I'd opened several tins of mackerel and placed them on a plate. Then I'd covered them with foil and claimed that I'd caught them out of the ocean and cooked them myself.
Prior to being put onto the Thanksgiving dinner table, they'd endured hours of sitting in the trunk of my car. The drive to the celebration was long and it was unnaturally warm for that time of the year so they were indeed rancid.
After forcing Jack to eat a large portion of garbage that had been in the back seat of my car for quite some time, I departed the large two story house and drove back to my apartment to get my tuxedo out of mothballs. Thanksgiving was going to be wonderful, as always.
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