The Top Ten Reasons I Hate Wine - Four, I Can't Get The Bottle Opened

Some of you may know me from my wine article series "I Love Italian Wine and Food, " similar French and German series, and travel articles that always manage to discuss local wine and food. It’s true; I really do love wine and food from Italy, France, Germany, and other countries as well. But I also hate wine and many aspects of the wine scene. Let me explain my top ten reasons for this love-hate relationship. Previous articles discussed the unconscionable expense, the embarrassing lack of knowledge, and no wine cellar. Now I am looking at one of my favorite, should I say unfavorite reasons: I can’t get the … bottle opened.

I have to confess that I am a bit of a klutz. Actually they once held a contest for klutziness and I was eliminated in the qualifying round. The judges muttered something under their breath. I think I heard "Unfair competition" and "Give the others a chance".

I am the proud owner of a faux silver-plated sommelier’s (wine steward’s) bottle opener. Actually, I had two of these marvelous contraptions, but was lucky enough to misplace one of them. But this dagnabbed contraption just doesn’t work; at least not for me. I have come THIS close to slicing my fingers off, where the word THIS stands for a quarter of a millimeter, or more realistically the size of the dot on this i. So I use a non-professional wine bottle opener that gouges a hole in the cork almost the size of my neighbor’s swimming pool. I’ve actually grown to appreciate a bit of cork in the wine. It gives that "Je ne sais quoi" taste. Don’t even think about getting me to open a Champagne bottle. Our lodgings walls host permanent reminders of each and every one of our Champagne-toasted events. I am waiting for the day that Champagne comes in a drink box.

Would you believe it, sometime after writing the first draft of this article I managed to break my beautiful little sommelier’s bottle opener? However, as luck would have it the bottle didn’t break. I found an alternate method to open the bottle and savor the wine. (And a little cork.)

Here are the other reasons that I hate wine, to be explored shortly: The insomnia, Food problems, Wine snobs, Those smells and those tastes, Those colors, Home brew, One more problem and yes, The Solution.