The Red Berries of Nature

I'm a huge fan of those television programs on the discovery channel where the guy goes out into the wild by himself, with almost no supplies, and survives for a week or so, eating grubs and plants and making fires with twine and cow manure. So, much like everything else that I'm a big fan of, I feel that I must imitate this. I must venture out into the wild and survive using only my wits, a few personal supplies, and the forest around me. What follows is my personal account of my epic journey into the harsh forests of central New Mexico.

------------------------------------

I rose at dawn. The date was January 13th, in this 2009th year of our Lord, Jesus Christ. I was chock full of energy and anticipation. If I were a large water jug and the water inside the jug represented how much energy and anticipation I had on this morning, the water jug would be filled to the brim. I pulled on my skin-tight but stylish cargo pants. I slid into my favorite black t-shirt with the picture of the howling wolf with the snowy mountains in the background. Then I slipped into my new hiking boots and topped the outfit off with my classy pith helmet. I looked like a regular Sir Humphrey Gilbert! The men on the Discovery Channel television program would've been proud.

I pulled my trusty knapsack from the top of my closet. In it, I stuffed a map of New Mexico, a notebook for documenting new species of flora and fauna, three plastic grocery bags in which to defecate, two juice boxes, a small can of Dole peaches, and a fresh pack of Wrigley's spearmint gum. That's all I'd need for my week in the wilderness. I pulled on my knapsack and headed out the door, stopping only to snatch a steak knife from the drawer and slip it inside my boot. You can never be too careful when it comes to the wilderness.

It seemed like I had been driving for hours. I needed to pull over soon, mostly because of the fact that I had made certain that my gas tank was almost on "E" before I left the house. This way, I would have no choice but to find my way back on foot. My car was sputtering along now, making noises that sounded like a man with a straw, drinking the last sip out of a soda cup. I glanced down at my hands and with much relief, realized that the sound was coming from me as I finished one of the two juice boxes that I'd packed. I tossed the empty box out the open window and opened another as I turned onto a dirt road that led off deeper into the forest.

I reached a clearing and slowed my car to a halt. The engine immediately died. Perfect timing. Was I ready to embark on what could be a life-threatening caper? Yes. I was. I set my parking break, locked "The Club" into place on my steering wheel, and leapt from my vehicle, ready to tackle nature and choke it into submission. I performed a quick equipment check, put on my knapsack, and headed off into the forest.

--------------------------------------

I must have walked for miles. I was completely famished...devastatingly hungry, thirsty, tired, and a little bit chilly. I was kicking myself for drinking both juice boxes in the car on the way. I was really kicking myself for eating most of the peaches after five minutes of walking and then feeding the rest to that squirrel. I checked my watch. I was astonished to learn that I had only been walking for 45 minutes. I was crushed and devastated beyond my wildest dreams. For fifteen of the worst minutes in my life, I sat against a tree and sobbed bitter, salty tears. My deafening cries of anguish more than likely drew the attention of many forest-roaming animals and I could feel their eyes on me in that moment...judging me...wishing me misfortune...possibly even lusting after my shapely legs and bulge, both of which were plainly visible through my skin-tight cargo pants. I suddenly realized that my manhood was very erect. Perhaps the thought of these lustful, nubile forest creatures had somehow excited me. I stood up, pushing my groin forward as I stood, and dried my eyes. Maybe I would be okay after all.

After what seemed like hours (which was actually only a few minutes) of walking through the dense vegetation, I saw a clearing up ahead. Filled with joyous glee, I raced for the clearing, leaping over roots, stumps, and dead undergrowth as I ran. Much like an infant bursts from the womb upon birth, I exploded from the trees and into the grassy meadow. The sun beat down upon me, warming my cold appendages and I drew in breath after breath of fresh air. Walking through that meadow, I felt how God himself must feel when he walks through meadows. My enthusiasm was short-lived, however. With a resounding CRACK, my foot struck a root and I crushed my face into the ground. Livid with rage, I looked back to see the malicious root that had tripped me. The root ran along the surface of the soil and traveled in an easterly direction, whereupon it connected to a series of bushes. My curiosity was immediately sparked. The first bush contained what appeared to be dozens of red, delicious-looking berries. Now if there's one thing that I've learned from the survivor-guy shows on Discovery, it's that berries are an amazing source of food. They provide much-needed energy, crucial proteins and vitamins, and are simply delicious. I could barely contain my joy as I dropped my knapsack and plucked every last berry from the bush. Then, with some effort, I managed to fit all of them into my gaping mouth at once. I chewed hungrily at the berries, realizing that these berries weren't nearly as delicious as I had hoped. No matter though, because they were going to keep me full of energy and morale as I continued my journey. I swallowed the last of the bitter, red berries and picked up my knapsack. After about ten paces, I realized that something was definitely wrong. My stomach felt like it contained a hungry lion who was trying to escape using his claws. I doubled over and clutched my gut in agony. I suddenly realized that I didn't want to be a wilderness-survivor-man anymore. Then I promptly lost consciousness, my limp body flopping onto the soft grass like a dead fish.

I woke up in the hospital with tubes inside me. The gorgeous nurse who was attending to me informed me that I was brought in an hour ago by a couple who said they'd found me lying face-down in a public park near their home with red juice smeared all over my face. Thinking it was blood, they took me to the nearest hospital where the doctors discovered that I'd eaten a ridiculous amount of poisonous Yew berries and they pumped my stomach. In addition, I'd inadvertently shit my pants when I passed out. Which prompts me to ask the question...Just what the hell did I bring the plastic grocery bags for?