The Midget Burglar and the Svarowksy Crystal

Some little twat broke into my house when I was away sunning myself in Turkey! Admittedly the extremely overgrown hedge outside that interfered with the passer-by’s and the jungle like lawn spoke volumes about an empty house but I would have thought the bogus alarm box would have prevented further excursion!

I mean my neighbor was also away at the time but his house did not get broken into – and he doesn’t even have an imitation alarm box fitted! And what about the people across the road, they’ve been away for months and their hedge looks like an overgrown Amazon rain forest!

I say little twat because he climbed through an extremely small panel to get in! He/she entered through the back door by breaking glass and then smashed two internal doors to access the front section of the house! The policemen who didn’t bother to rush his doughnut before coming to visit told me that I was "daft to lock the inside doors"! Basically anybody who was inside would not let a door stop them – and locked doors tend to signify treasures behind! Bit late to find that out now isn’t it kind plod?

Anyway, the little twat was semi-decent during his thieving activities! I noticed when I entered through the front door that the internal doors looked like an angry flock of very hungry wood-peckers had let loose and my head automatically swiveled to where the desk top computer resides! It was still there and so was the television, the washing machine, the DVD player and the wife’s curlers! Nothing electrical was missing at all! Just not worth it these days, my friendly local policemen told me after inquiring in a suspicious voice if I knew the perpetrators of this crime!

The Criminal Investigation Department (CID)came round the next day! They informed me that this was a normal housebreak and that I should not worry! They managed to get a foot print off the panel where he had lain on the floor to try and smash it! Looked like a size six, Nike trainer! They also got two finger-prints off the door as he pulled himself through!

My little twatty house-breaker took some loose change that I had saved! He sorted out the pounds, the two-pounds and the fifty pence’s and left me a bundle of 1, 2 and 5 pence coins! He didn’t rob me blind just took the heavyweight stuff! He also stole a prehistoric iPod and some of my wife’s Jewelery, some Svarowsky crystal and some gold bits and pieces! Also about five-hundred Euros in notes!

Not much of a haul but probably enough to impress the extremely thick and gormless girl-friend and with enough change to buy a packet of cigarettes and a bottle of beer for the dumb mates!

And I? I have now had to go and purchase an expensive alarm system! I installed it myself; twelve sensors including motion and magnetic door sensors and "real" alarm boxes outside front and back! I didn’t go quite as far as installing floor weight sensors, cameras in every room, dog-barking noises and police helicopter response (not in South Africa now you know) as I think what I have should be sufficient to frighten away any common garden thief! I’ve even cut the grass and trimmed the hedge!

I attempted to test each sensor to ensure that all worked correctly but the local noise brigade came marching up my path! I had my earmuffs on and couldn’t quite hear what they were saying but I got the gist – turn the bloody thing off they were telling me, or we call the police! So the system works very well indeed! Anyway, at the very least any silly little twat that wants to breach my property now will have a very sore pair of ear drums to run away with – even if the police don’t catch him!

Over-all not a nice experience and despite the insurance company responding without question I am now out-of-pocket considerably – the cash they took was not covered! But it was one of life’s lessons; and should I ever bump into a scruffy-looking midget with a Svarowksy crystal dog on a gold chain around his neck and a Silver-colored IPOD on his hip, wearing size six Nike trainers, with only two fingers on one hand and with his tracksuit pockets weighed down by bundles of loose change whilst wandering why no shop excepts Euro's, I will gladly belt him over the head with a shovel!

The Mariners Articles
Articles, tall tales and a life at sea as written by Ieuan Dolby