The Laundromat Diaries

PROLOGUE

The room was no bigger than any commercial space cramped in some lonely street corner; the humidity was palpable and amazingly fresh. The overhead lights were a sporadically scattered fixture and were under lit with fluorescent tubes. Washing machines churned with the constant rhythm of a heartbeat and as if choreographed the action around it seemed to oddly fit. Children played with the overused carts and the parents constantly yelled out hollow threats. Who am I? You may be asking yourself, the name's Danny and that's all you need to know for now. I'm not here to look down upon these people; in fact I once was one of those kids playing with the carts as my mother yelled out hollow threats of a spanking or the dreaded monster taking me home with it if I didn't behave. The place is now a tanning salon which in my honest and brutal opinion is complete idiocy when you live in Southern California.

This all began about a year ago when times were tough and the Laundromat was like a gathering post for most of the lower class groups who couldn't either afford or allocate a washer and dryer in their respective domiciles. Many lives intertwined at this bazaar of sorts; I began to write in a journal I kept with me at all times. Some of the journal entries span weeks and some just a few days, It's difficult to explain my train of thought but it was the only way I could capture the true story unfolding before me. Many of my entries were written in the past tense and some in present so this may (and inevitably will cause confusion) At the time I wasn't concerned with the proper sequence of writing.

See I had just moved back to the city of Long Beach and the apartment complex I lived at didn't have sufficient room for washers and dryers so I began to go to the Laundromat. I first met Ronnie, the owner of the establishment, when my dollar was eaten by the behemoth of all vending machines. Ronnie was a nice guys in his late 50's, he used to be a hard drinker but had quit for the last 30 years thanks to what he called the best thing that's ever happened to him, his wife Sandra. Since that fateful day where Ronnie opened up the vending machine to where I sit now a chain of unfortunate and incredible events happened that forever changed the course of what most people call destiny, fate or theoretical string theory.

DAY 1
It was a Sunday when I first stumbled upon the small Laundromat; I was transfixed on its seemingly untouched art deco exterior with modern mechanisms roaring away in its hollow depths. I made my way in with a small duffel bag full of this week's laundry. I was astonished at how many children ran around playing tag, the floor is lava and trains with what seemed to be massive carts to these toddlers. I couldn't help but grin as I walked down the stainless steel hallway made up of oversized washers and dryers. I loaded my laundry in one of these enormous machines that I hadn't seen since I was one of these toddlers driving my mom crazy with embarrassment and grief. After a few minutes I made my way down to the behemoth of all vending machine, this monstrosity was almost a novelty item because it only accepted quarters and nickels. I began to fight with the machine to accept my last quarter that was chipped around the edges, I threw it in with a spin and nothing that's when Ronnie made his way over to me. He was short Mexican fellow with kind almond-shaped eyes hidden under thin rimmed glasses; the early years of alcohol abuse were visible by scars under his chin and face.

"The name's Ronnie, I see you got a problem with old 'Arturito' here"
"Yeah it's not taking my quarter and I don't have any more change" I responded looking down at my palm.
"No worries son, we'll get you your drink in no time; here trade me a quarter and see if it works now" he placed the new quarter into the slot and it was once again rejected. He mumbled something in Spanish to the extent of 'don't talk back!' he once again tried but to no avail. "Here's your money back sorry Arturito likes to misbehave on certain days"
"Well do you know a cheap liquor store I can go to? Cause I'm very thirsty." I responded
"No need son here let me open him up and check out what's wrong with him" as he said this he opened the vending machine pulling out a nice cold can "If you ever need anything here I'm your man okay son? I never got your name."

"It's Danny, Danny Navas. It's an absolute pleasure to meet someone so nice here, I moved from long beach for a few years and I come back to a town full of idiots and narcissists. Thank you Ronnie was it?"
"Yes at your service are you here for the first time? If you are I can have my wife Sandra give you a hand so you don't ruin your clothes"
"That would be greatly appreciated."

His wife Sandra did help me out that day as my mother used to help me out when I was a toddler trying to clean my clothes like all the big kids I knew from the neighborhood. See the only reason I took the help was because those clothes were all I had since I moved here from the east coast. All the money I had left went into laundry, a snickers bar and a can of cola. It's as if Ronnie knew about my situation and sympathized with my turmoil. I sat on a rickety bench on the far wall enjoying the kids playing and having fun wishing that I could go back and forever stay that age; wishing that time would just stop at that perfect age where my mom was healthy. My brothers and I played metro train as we pushed each other around in circles. Slowly my gaze became hazy and impaired, my cheeks were moist and my lower lip quivered; I was crying and feeling ashamed about my public outburst but the first person there wasn't an adult no it was a small child her name was Priscilla

"What's wrong mister?"
"Nothing dear just that my tummy hurts that's all" I responded as I choked back tears
"Oh well my mommy says that sprite can help you burp it out!" she exclaimed as she held her stomach.
"That's what my mommy used to say to me too" I said with a small chuckle
"Aren't mommy's smart? I hope I can be a smart mommy" as she cradled her toy baby in her arms
"Yes they are sweetie, I'm almost certain you'll be a great mommy but I think yours is calling you. Nice to meet you my name is Danny"
"Mine is Priscilla and this is Jimmy he's a big boy!"
"He sure is sweetie, he sure is"

I took my clean clothes back to an empty shell of an apartment. The walls were baron and the smell of cigarette smoke clung to every crevice of it. That day I remember I sat on the ground were my couch now stands and just took it all in, I was now alone. No career, friendship or family member could ever fill the vacancy left behind. My mother was everything for me and in one short, life altering day, she was gone. There was no news cast about the greatest woman who walked the earth, there wasn't even a fucking obituary. It was just my brothers and I hiding our fears and pain as we walked away from her eternal resting place. Somehow I know my mother is with me but sitting there alone I felt like I had to make her proud, I had shown people who she was and what she made out of me. I remember crying but not out of sheer sadness, no, my mother had taught me to cry about something meaningful... cry out of joy! I knew what I was meant to do and no one was going to stop me.

DAY 2
Through the course of 52 weeks, I began to get acquainted t with the regulars who came in at the same time I did. Slowly I began to realize these people were the most diverse group of people I've ever had the pleasure of meeting, for example Johnny was an ex con who was treading a thin line trying to stay on the right path. He would talk to me about how life is all about what you make of it, success is only measured by what one feels they have accomplished and how hard the struggle was to be happy. He would tell me exaggerated stories about carjackings and bank robberies, this is what made my trips fun because every time I went we had a deep and thought-provoking conversations.

"See Danny the problem is that the prison system has too many small time offenders cause of this political bull shit of 3 strikes. Not saying that what they did wasn't bad because it was, but not enough to be sent to an already overcrowded prison system. See the problem with that isn't the safety or cleanliness of that shit hole no, it's the shit they learn while they are on the inside that sends these kids back into the streets already feeling pretty hard for being jumped in to a prison gang. Which he joined by the way to be protected from the rest of the prison who thinks that his offense wasn't worthy of the lifestyle they had chosen. "Johnny said with a hint of anger in his tone.

"So were you one of those kids? You know the small time offense? Cause if so then I agree with you cause its causing more problems than it is solving but then again we have laws in action for a reason and we need to let them know that they need to follow the rules if not they can literally get away with murder." I retorted in the best possible way so that it wouldn't offend him.

"No I wasn't one of those cases you can just tally me up along with the rest of the gangsters of west side long beach, I got sucked up by the streets by guys who I thought had it all. They had the girls, the money, the swagger and the respect of anyone in the neighborhood. So after my dad split and my mom threw me out the house for dropping out of High School, they were the ones that welcomed me in with open arms and closed fists. It started off you know? Small time shit like jumping rivals, tagging up schools once in a while. Then Big Bobby gave me my first real job I had to steal some vatos car so they can strip the inside clean. I was almost in when the cops came and I have to say I gave them a good chase but I got caught. Since then I paid my dues to the gang I was allowed to wear the thirteen and slowly went up the ranks. And now I'm here with the guilt stuck in my conscience and my past at the front door" He said through a quiver in his voice.

"Wow man I don't know what to say..." I responded
"That he's a fucking idiot that's what you can say" Ronnie yelled from the back of the laundry, "He, do not know shit about living a tough life just cause he was in a gang doesn't mean he automatically gets sympathy from the rest NO!, he decided to join through his own free will, the second you chose to send your life in the wrong path then that's the day you give up on life and that's what cowards do! A rough life is when you have to deal with the shit as it comes and all you can do is try to avoid it. Now i am not going to say I had a bad life but my poor mother did, she would have to beg for pennies so I could have bus money for school. The day I graduated her troubles were over but then I chose the wrong path that led to her death." He said with tears through his eyes and anger in his voice Johnny and I were appalled by these accusations. Later Sandra came and told us why he got so heated, His son died a few years back thanks to a stray bullet from one of the neighborhood thugs in an attempted drive-by. Ronnie was also hit but in the left leg, that's why he walks with a waddle and a limp. Ronnie just stood there heaving deeply and constantly.

"If it weren't for their pride I'd still have a son so don't you fucking dare and say you had a tough life okay?! My son had big dreams and thanks to you he'll never get to know what college was like so please, just please don't go around touting you had tough shit" He said through tears and anger, he made his way to the office but before he reached it Johnny raced over to him, For an instant I jumped and ran over to stop Johnny then I saw he had tears in his eyes also, Johnny hugged Ronnie and they made their way into the office. I felt flabbergasted with what just happened then Sandra once again the narrator to this odd tale let me in on what just happened. The stray bullet that killed Jose was shot from his cousin's gun, the same cousin who had lived with them for a day after being kicked out of his home, the same cousin who would write to him from Los Angeles correction facility and the same cousin who wore a thirteen proudly for his gang. The person who shot and killed Jose was Johnny. The aura of the place changed the second I found out what happened. All I could do was sit down and watch my clothes dry like a metronome and reflect on how tough my life was, this sucks

DAY 3
I was sitting on a wooden bench just writing nonsense in my notebook, Listening to music and enjoying the time while my clothes were in the wash. Thoughts were bombarding me like the music in my ears. Ronnie was up to his usual rounds greeting people as they came and left. I was astounded by the number of people coming at this hour. It was about 1 in the morning and then I saw someone I had seen before that would come in and mind his business. His eyes were full of loneliness and pain; I couldn't help but wonder what went wrong in his life to leave this apparent happy-go-lucky guy so distraught. I went over to Ronnie and asked him what happened but I received the go around from him. I asked around but no one wanted to talk and I did not want to go and ask him. An hour or so pass and he began to make his way to me as I was writing an idea for a story, when he sat next to me and asked me what I was writing. I began to tell him that it was about unrequited love and he smiled and looked down at his feet.

"May I read a few paragraphs? I'm an avid reader" he said still looking at his feet.
"Oh they're just nonsense just something to pass the time between wash and fold, it's nothing really" I said trying to hide my amateur story.
"It's okay I don't judge I just want to see how well you write about unrequited love, I'm almost an expert"
"Well here you are let me know what you think"
"I saw you asking everybody about me so I decided to see what exactly you wanted to know so let me read this over and I'll be more than happy to talk about my experience with you" he said as he made his way over to his dryer to check on his clothes a feign attempt if I ever saw one.

After he read the story he began to tell me some of the things were true but I couldn't capture the characters as complex and tangible people.
"The characters have to be real, they have to be tangible enough so the reader can think 'hey I know exactly what he's going through' and feel some type of emotion."
"Well I didn't want to make it seem like this actually happened"
"It happens every day son; I was in a loving marriage for 15 years and they were the greatest of my life but the last one was tough..."
"Did your wife get sick?" I blurted out
"Do you want to hear the story or not?"
"I'm sorry please do go on"

"Okay, the reason the last one was so tough was cause my job caused me to lose touch of the thing that I held so important for the first 14 years of my marriage, Chloe, I began to work more and see her less I began to become more and more distant and as did she. I was so blinded by the stress from work and my daily life that I didn't try to fix it one day she had enough and packed her stuff and left to her mothers. I tried to fight for what we had but nothing I said would make her feel like she did that first day we fell in love in High School. She said she didn't want to work it out" he wiped away a tear from under his glasses. He placed his hand over his pack of cigarettes and then pulled one out "Do you mind if we step outside? Every time I talk about Chloe I need a smoke to calm me down."

"Sure I'll join you with one" we stepped outside and sat on the curb. I lit mine first then passed the lighter to him

"Well where was I, oh! right not wanting to work it out, For a while I was heartbroken and I guess I still am a little heartbroken. Then I became Irate about how she handled the whole thing if she felt me drifting apart it would have been nice to have known before it was too late, then I thought about it; it wasn't her fault and it wasn't my fault either. We just avoided the inevitable for all those years I try to believe that she did actually love me all those years cause if she did then this would be something that was worth saving but I tend to think she was spending all that time trying to fall in love with me when there was nothing she could do but force herself to believe that she may be in love but didn't know it. It hurts to think that may be I was the only one truly in love the whole time and that I was fighting a lost cause.

Son the only advice I give you now after going through this and dealing with it every time I see something that reminds me of her is to enjoy the time you have with your significant other cause when it's all said and done the memories will haunt you good or bad and that's what you'll end up cherishing when it's all said and done. I still come to the place where I first met her, every Sunday to do my laundry hoping one day she'll walk by and I get to catch a glimpse of her. It's too late for me to try to win her back but just seeing her beautiful face, the rosy cheeks or listening to her adorable laugh even the way she almost hops when she's in a good mood is enough for me to be happy. I just want to see her happy." He took a long puff from his cigarette and tossed it to the curb. "Don't ever let the love die in your relationship 'cause then you'll be in my shoes years later talking to some kid about how everyday you wake up you open your eyes hoping she's there asleep next to you so you can kiss her cheek and watch her smile in her sleep or how you would give anything to have her wake you up by telling you to 'get up lazy butt' as she kisses your cheeks and hugs you. 'cause it's the worst feeling in the world."

"Why didn't you move on? Just find someone else that makes you as happy?" I asked as I took the last puff from my cigarette and followed him in to the Laundromat.
"Why? What for? Look if I find someone else I would have to forget these memories and make new ones... I would rather live with these memories than force myself to make new ones. No matter how sad it may be they were the happiest I've ever been; I was suffering from stress but every time I would come home and see her I would feel as if nothing in the world could get to me, as if every kiss she gave me was the first one. I don't want to lose that, I just want to know that may be in some godforsaken parallel universe I might still be with her and we're happy and if I can't feel that love I once felt here I'm sure I'm enjoying every single idiosyncrasy from her sleep farts to the way she said 'I love you too'. So about me getting someone else is out of the question. Look I have to get going I got a pile of manuscripts I have to edit but here's my company card just ask for Jimmy. You should keep writing you have potential so let me know if you got anything you want to give to me"

"Thanks you take care and well thanks for the advice I'm sure I'll need it sooner or later."
I sat back down staring at my notebook; I couldn't help but feel his pain. His eyes were full of joy and love when he spoke about the good times but the second he knew those were in the past this gaze of dread, hate and sadness overwhelmed his fragile features. The man had gone through hell and yet he still loved the girl. It's as if he turned his pain into fate may be one day their paths may cross again and may be not who knows but all I know is this guy who knew exactly what love was couldn't keep it. It scared me to think about it because what if I were never meant to be loved? What if I end up like Jimmy hanging out to fragile memories of happiness and bliss. May be this really isn't for me.

DAY 4
The streets were littered with autumn leaves as I stepped off the curb and heard the crunch beneath my feet. The air was crisp and the day was perfect but the emotional turmoil wreaking havoc in my mind was a drastic difference to the serenity of the day before me. As I made my way through The littered streets I saw a man fast approaching me from across the street his silhouette was similar to Jimmy's then I saw that it was him and he was in a rush.
"Hey! Are you okay?" I yelled at him as he ran. He stopped and looked around the second he saw me a huge smile ran across his face, he blew through the rush hour traffic on 7th street and made his way towards me.
"They said YES!" he exclaimed as he grabbed me by the shoulders

"Yes to what? I have no idea of what you're talking about" I told him with the bewilderment pouring out of my eyes.
"They're going to allow me to bring on a new author for the publishing company! This means your story will be published after we polish it out and make it longer. You know what this means Danny? I can finally have Rose read exactly what I've been wanting to tell her but never had the courage to say to her."

"But the story is still too incomplete and I don't even know where I'm going with this, I'm no author Jimmy I'm not made for this." I said as I pulled away and began to walk away. I'm not an author: Salinger, Steinbeck and Poe were authors; I'm just some punk kid writing down the facts of life that I know that's all.
"Please Danny! I'm begging you! I want her to know how much she still means to me and how I still cherish every single memory we made. I just want her to know that I still love her" he said as his voice began to tail off as if he would begin talking to himself at any moment. I looked back and just saw the smile fade from his face and transform to grimacing pain.

"Here we'll talk at the Laundromat okay?"
"Okay, just hear me out please I don't want it just for me I also think you have great potential that can be honed into something great."
We made our way to the Laundromat as we smoked a cigarette each. Not a word was said but we both were running possible scenarios and the probable rebuttal to any topic brought up during the conversation that awaited us. The stainless steel aisle was illuminated by the yellow hue from the fluorescent tubes above, Ronnie was on his rounds talking to everyone and I began doing my usual ritual of getting change and placing my clothes in the washer. Jimmy just stood back and watched but his eyes weren't on me, they were somewhere else, In some far off place just thinking. We made our way over to the wooden bench and took a seat next to an Old lady who was praying as she held a rosary in her fragile hands. It was Sunday and many had either missed church or just got back, her mouth moved with the vowels of the prayer.

"Okay so hear me out yeah it might sound like have ulterior motives for your story but the way you spoke about your hardships and how you love to write them out then read them and burn away the memories? Well I think if we hone all the emotion you held back as you grew up we can have a powerful book that can change the way people perceive love, hate, passion or what have you. You have a gift son and I want you to be able to share that gift with some of us who,either don't have the talent or the gift to be able to write so freely about our own hardships and allow others to rip it apart."

"See I don't write it for anyone I just write it for myself, yes I do sometime post it up as a blog but to just test the waters to see if people are even willing to read this shit."
"Look son you are talented and I think you have a great story there, and I'm sure if I looked through that little black notebook you'll have many more, that might even be better. If you let me I'll help you with tips and advice I just want this story to make it out there and show people that, it's okay to be a little open cause we're all the same." He said as he looked down at his shoes as if he were embarrassed to admit his weakness. Somehow we attracted the attention of the old lady next to us.

"I'm sorry to be an eves dropper but what did you write about sweetie?" she said as she smiled and looked me right in the eye with those fierce blue eyes full of perk and life.
"It was about falling out of love and how hard it may be to fix something that is broken beyond any kind of repair." I said in almost shock that she was speaking so clearly.
"I've lived a long time honey, and let me tell you it's very hard to express those types of feelings. Your friend is right that's a gift that anyone of us has. From experience I know how hard it is to fall out of love and then fall back in, it happened with my late husband."
"I'm sorry for your loss ma'am" I said still staring into those fiery blue eyes.
"It's okay son I've come to realize that falling out of love with my husband then having him do everything he could to win me back made our relationship so much stronger because we knew it was meant to be."

"How did he know that he should fight so hard for something that was just a lost cause?" asked Jimmy who was now very interested in the conversation.
"I had the same question on our wedding day and I asked him, a smile grew on his face and then he said 'When you fall in love you think you are the only one that's ever felt like that, the true key to any relationship is to fight through all the tough obstacles that god has positioned in your way to prove to him you are ready to find someone who feels exactly the same way about you' these were the same words he wrote on a chalkboard while on his death-bed. Next to that he had made me a paper lily with his love notes from when he was in Korea."
"Wow that is an amazing story ma'am if only had the same tenacity and guts your late husband had so I would be able to win my ex-wife back." Jimmy said as he folded his hands on his lap.
"You are the same kind of man, you are actually taking charge and with the help of your young friend here I'm sure you will be able to win her back."

DAY 5
After I got home last Sunday I began to type out a story but it didn't feel right. When I wrote in my notebook I would write about things I was going through or put some of myself into every character I concocted. After my talk with Jimmy about needing a manuscript ready and edited by the end of the year may be I just bit off more than I could chew. As I sat on the folding tables at the Laundromat I began to look around me and wonder how I could write anything of importance when I had never been through that kind of pain and torment. The regulars were in and of course there were a few new faces around word had been spreading about the hospitality that Ronnie expressed with every single customer that came in but something caught me by surprise, Ronnie wasn't in today neither was Sarah his daughter or Sandra.

The machines were humming and the change machine ticked away with the sounds of coins hitting the cold stainless steel tray, the place seemed to have an ominous feeling today as if anything was going to rupture the bubble like sense of security of this place. The office door opened and there stood Sarah I had met her a few times before she was a tall natural red-head with gorgeous and penetrating black eyes that were slightly hidden under buddy holly type glasses. She wore little blush on her cheeks. I had seen her a few times before but it was only a passing acquaintance but Ronnie would never shut about her and how he wished she would find a better guy than the one she was currently dating. From what Ronnie had told me she was a true romantic that was head over heels for a guy who was head over heels for himself!

He treated her like shit and yet she took him back every time he uttered the three magical words, "I can change" he would pay more attention to himself than he would to her, His vices were women, himself and video games. Like any self involved guy he would dump her at a drop of a hat over an argument that had nothing of importance to jeopardize what they had. I've met plenty of these guys through the years and well let's just say I have a few scars to prove that we don't get along too well. The reason I paid so much attention to her on this day was because all those flawless features were in pain.

"Are you okay?" I asked as I passed her a tissue from my satchel
"Yeah I'll be fine, Thanks" she said as she began to dry her eyes "You're Danny right? My dad won't stop talking about how much we wished he could adopt you as his own because you remind him so much of my younger brother"
"Really? I don't think I don't think I could half the man your brother would have been, and don't worry your dad won't stop talking to me about you"
"I know I feel like a celebrity wherever I go cause of my dad and the fantastic stories he spreads about me and well now my current ex."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear, I'm sure you want to be alone. Here you can keep these I don't need them I keep them in case of nosebleeds" I told her as I handed her the pack of tissues "I can't believe that I just admitted to that I'm sure that'll make one hell of an impression on you"
"Thank you, and don't worry it'll stay between us I promise I won't tell anyone about your nosebleeds" she said with a glimmer of a smile

She began to walk away and make her way to the door when this silence fell over the whole city almost as if we were all holding our collective breath. Birds started flying in droves over the sky, Dog barks could be heard for miles. As quickly as that feeling settled in a jerking motion threw me from the folding table into the dryer 6 feet in front of me, the rumbling was deafening. I tried to stand but the shaking continued for what felt like an eternity then my eyes met Priscilla's who's were full of terror and despair she was clutching little Jimmy to her chest. I remember vaguely what I did next, There were things falling from the walls but somehow I managed to run through that and pick her up. I ran with her through the door and outside to the safety of an open parking lot. As we stood there only a few seconds after the shaking had dispersed I began to look around for Sarah to see if she ran out to safety.

Then I saw it, one of the exact moments in time that changed my life forever. It was Sarah she was fine but she had someone with her, completely covered in white powder from the ceiling. At first I couldn't make out who it was exactly until I heard the bone chilling cry for help, I told Priscilla to wait for me unless she saw her mom. I ran over to Sarah to give her a hand then I saw the person who was completely limp was Sandra. She was inside the office taking inventory of the various detergents they sold when the earthquake hit. The boxes toppled over the shaking knocked an exhaust duct from its poorly screwed hinges and knocked her unconscious. The streets were full of terrified and panicked people watching their houses creak and topple over. We called the paramedics but the lines were tied. I ran the two blocks to my house grabbed my keys and sped over to St. Mary's Medical Center.

The whole time Sarah was trying to wake her mom and stop the bleeding in her leg where she stabbed herself with the knife she was using to cut the boxes open. I tossed her my first aid kit but it was lacking the adequate equipment to stop that amount of bleeding so I tossed her my sweater and told her to pressure on the wound. After shocks littered the trip to the hospital, the strongest one made me skid onto oncoming traffic. There were plumes of gray/black smoke rising all over the place, the beautiful blue skies were littered with puffs of clouds and fires. The sounds were a cacophony of cries, anguish, sirens and terror. They received us at the emergency entrance and they carried Sandra away in a stretcher while they attended to her needs, Sarah collapsed to her knees in front of me. Her fiery red hair was covered with white dust and her hands were a crimson red all I could do was kneel down next to her parted a strand of hair away from her pain stricken face, and told her that everything was going to be okay. She buried her face in my chest and began to sob uncontrollably. All I could do was lie, it felt horrible.

DAY 12
"What are you going to do now?" the voice called out from the back, the voice was familiar but was inundated with complete and utter sadness.
"I don't know yet, I want to finish but with all this shit going on I really don't deem it an appropriate time for this. So much chaos going on after what happened I don't think I can write about love." I said as I flicked the ash off my cigarette, and took another long drag.

"Look Danny, I can't make you write it if you don't want to and I'm not going to ask you for the favor because truthfully I don't think Chloe will ever read it . I've reached a point in my life where I know when the things I thought to be once true are now truly dead and well love is one of them. All I am saying is if you are going to write it, write it for yourself I know you have a thing for Sarah I could see it in your eyes as you held her hand after they told her the news about her mom. I saw how you looked into her eyes and lied to her to make her feel better and son I saw something that day that I haven't seen in over decade, it was the same look I once had. I see how you smile every time she shows up to the corner coffee shop almost as if you are too excited to talk. Danny you should talk to her and tell her how you feel "

"Don't give me this bullshit 'cause you know it isn't true! And what if I do have feelings for her? It's not going to change anything" I took another long drag "Look she made up her mind she told me this morning, she leaves for Madrid next week and nothing I can do will change that okay? So much shit has happened and there isn't a thing I can do about it, all I can do is sit here and await my future." I said with a face of stolen courage.

"Can you hear yourself? You sound like a fucking cynic! You can change this why are you letting yourself lose? Don't become what I have some worthless old cynic who thinks the only chance he had at being happy has passed! So please just think about it, screw the book, just try to change her mind cause I don't want to see you killing yourself wondering what if? Okay?" Jimmy said as he slowly made his way up to me lighting up his own cigarette.

"Will you just leave me the fuck alone?! Why do you find it in your heart to try to fix something that has never and WILL NEVER HAPPEN?! I've gotten to this realization, why won't you?" I got up from the office chair and began to make my way outside into the remnants of what used to be the Laundromat, I made my way out the side door as Jimmy followed. "By the way the book is done already okay? Jen got the manuscript yesterday I told her you couldn't drop it off but had me drop it off. She called me a few hours ago and she loved it but said it seemed incomplete, she's right. I couldn't go through with adding too much emotion with the characters cause I was scared I might become them and ruin any chances with Sarah, I guess It's too late now." I stopped and looked down at my tattered chucks full of memories. Jimmy made his way passed me without a word being said he stopped and looked back but before he could say a word. "Go to hell and FUCK YOU" I said as I threw my lit cigarette at his feet.

The streets were back to normal, and the monotony was restored to this area. The vendors hung out outside selling your usual needs of socks, food and pirated entertainment. I couldn't help but put some thought into everything that Jimmy had told me but I don't think he knows that it wasn't Sarah who chose to go to Madrid, I told her to go. I took a seat at the café ordered my drink and replayed the conversation over and over in my head.
"Hey pretty lady! Thanks for meeting up so quickly how are you doing?" I said as I stood to greet her
"Hey Danny, I'm doing better thanks to you. Yesterday was pretty bad, dad had another episode and well I was extremely depressed and had to visit her again" She said as she moved the ashtray towards me

"Oh sweetie..."
"I know Danny! I don't also need to hear it from you all I need is for you to be here and help me through. I know it's causing me to lose my mind to keep seeing her grave but I need to feel close to her again and that's never going to happen okay?! But I'm sure you didn't call me to talk about all this shit so what did you need to tell me for once I'm nervous to see you cause ever since I said how I felt about you, you have been really distant."

"Okay I'll just get straight to the point, look I know how you feel about me and you know that I feel the same but I really don't think that this is a good thing. We're in such a fragile state that if we ever try anything it has a tremendous potential to fail and well I don't think we're strong enough to handle it" I said as I lit a cigarette, "But I'm willing to try if you are willing too, I want you to know that I will never do anything to hurt you and I promise that the feelings I have will never, go away"

"Danny I know all of this, I've thought it out and well you're right. This is why I was nervous, I came here to tell you I can't do this with you. I don't want to hurt you when I lose feelings for you or if I never even feel the same way that you do. I know I told you I had feelings for you but I think it was based on how nice you were to me during the toughest time in my life, Look I can't even live in the same city that my mom is buried in I can't handle having a boyfriend no matter how wonderful he is. Danny I don't want to move but I need to so I'm planning to move away and I can't have you on my mind."

"Are you fucking serious? Look you can't run away from your problems okay? I understand that you're scared of not feeling the same way that I do but its kind of hard to stop feeling the way I do okay? So please reconsider what you are saying cause I'm only giving you one chance if this is what you want to do." I said as I stood up and began to leave then I heard her calling for me.
"I'm not going to reconsider, I have my tickets. I'm moving to Madrid next week I hope you're there to see me off. Danny I do have some feelings for you but not enough to make me stay"

"Who said I was begging for you to stay? Don't you have clothes to pack and tickets to buy? Have a nice life and all the best" I said looking back at her then down at my tattered chucks adding another memory to the woven tapestry of my life. I took another long drag, looked into her tearful eyes and walked away from the one girl who made my heart jump every time I saw her walk into a room. Now her face causes the opposite effect.
"Your Earl Gray Latte sir"

"Oh thanks sorry I wasn't paying attention I was thinking..."
It was getting late and I was growing weary of beating myself up all day because of the last thing I told Sarah, Seeing the pain in her eyes was enough to make me feel like some insignificant and undeserving love struck fool. I couldn't sit there anymore so I went home where the smell of her perfume greeted me as I opened the door, her stuff was gone and my apartment looked empty. She didn't live with me but she had spent a few nights here while Ronnie went to Mexico to see the family. I sat down on the couch and picked up my laptop and began to type away, my new story born out of utter heartbreak and solace. Jimmy was right and I couldn't let this be it, it couldn't be it. I wasn't holding the girl of my dreams at night yet, I wasn't going to be waking up to her still asleep and kiss her cheek no, my dreams weren't realized yet so I was certain that this couldn't be it for Sarah and I. It had just begun.

DAY 16
It's been a little over a month since I last had any contact with Sarah and the pain was still there, I knew I had a chance to change her mind but it was my inability to put myself in a situation that would inevitably end up in heartache that caused me to just let her leave to Madrid. My thoughts played every possible scenario and in all I would end up wondering why did I put myself in this situation. The hum of the industrial hoods was overbearing enough to drown out any possible thoughts of self-deprecation, the decibel level increased more and more with the chatter of the ticket machine a non-stop beast of orders. The Line was doing what it usually did, joking around about someone's sexuality and knocking out orders with ease, well all except for me I was in this zone where everything I did was second to everything I was thinking. The orders were being yelled out by the sous chef and the call backs were even louder.

"FIRE! two trout's, Salmon curry and swordfish steak!!!!"
"One salmon! One sword! " called out Nate from the grill station, and Julio from the sauté station in perfect unison.
"Two trout's! I need mango gastrique Jaime!" I yelled as I began to sauté the veggies for the previous order
"Danny, where the hell is my seared tuna?! I've grown pubes that took less time than your fucking cooking!"
"It's coming up chef 2 minutes" I yelled back with my back turned to him
"You know what else is coming up? Christmas but that doesn't mean it isn't taking forever! Are you okay? Cause you usually knock out this order in no time."
"His boyfriend didn't cuddle with him that's why he's cranky, hey sweetie I'll treat you right" yelled Nate across the line as he began to blow me kisses.

This was nothing new to the culinary world, a world dominated mostly by males and the humor tends to be a little too raunchy, but it's what draws a lot of outcasts into what Mr. Bourdain so eloquently put it "join a modern-day pirate crew" The kitchen crew was very close knit group of guys but when it came to personal feelings we tended to leave that at the door because the second you begin to think about your problems you create more at work and well if you get stuck in the weeds at the beginning of the lunch rush you will be working your way out the whole night. I asked the chef for a smoke break and headed out the door, this Sarah thing kept bothering me to no avail. I lit up my cigarette and began to talk to myself about what the hell was wrong with me when I began to think of an Idea that I had the day that Sarah told me about her going to Madrid, I wrote out a few chapters to a new book I was writing for Jimmy as the other manuscript was being edited. I pulled out my notepad and my pen and jotted down some notes on an idea I had before for a story but I added my own twist and turns.

This was the beginning of an adventure I never knew would take me this far, my road to redeem my previous mistakes and right a few wrongs. I knew it was a treacherous road I was going down which would be full of self loathing and painful memories. It would all be based around one focal point with a few tangents here and there. I called it the coffee shop, it was my epic love story about a girl who I let slip through my fingers and my vague attempt at easing my heart and my thoughts. I knew it would be a tough journey but it was worth it because she was and still is something special. I felt it in my bones.

DAY 17
The room was no bigger than a makeshift shanty, the carpet was an outdated brown shag and the walls were white at some point in the last few decades now just a withering beige. The room was engulfed by cigarette smoke and the T.V. blared on some wild tangent that hadn't bothered paying attention. The laptop enlightened the dark corner where I was seated. I sat there as the word processor laid baron, ideas were in harmony a perfect symphony but not one of them was just right for what I needed to express. The pile of pages that needed to be edited sat next to me; teasing me.

The ashtray overflowed and spilled a bit onto the table. It had been a good two months since I read the manuscript and to tell you the truth I lost all passion in it, my heart just wasn't there anymore but still I picked it up and began to read and I was able to re-live the state of mind I was in and slowly the cacophonous turmoil of thoughts began to clear. I sat back down, picked up my pack of cigarettes and lit one. The ribbons of smoke clung to the last bits of images that were left in my thoughts. I began to type out the corrections as I also wrote new paragraphs that turned into pages that slowly transformed into a new story. This was what I was looking for the whole night, this epiphany slowly transformed into something I fell in love with. After a few hours and 10 pages later I decided to take a short break to let Jimmy know about my new story.

"Hello?" answered a groggy Jimmy
"Hey! It's Danny are you busy? Cause I have a proposition for you" I said with a rush of excitement and anxiety.
"Do you know what time it is? Can't this wait for a later date? Its 3 in the morning!"
"Oh I'm sorry but it's really important it's about the manuscript"
"Fine but make it quick, also do you have the edits done? 'cause Jen is on my back about getting it in on time she wants to print it out as a short story now she's cutting out about 12 chapters out the ones that are meaningless transitions and vague dialog."

"Holy crap! That's perfect! It fits into what I was expecting" I began to tell him about the new short story I was writing and how it fit perfectly to our other story.
"Wow, Danny that's a very interesting plotline but I'm not too sure about Jen's reaction to all this, look if you have a basic draft give it to me and I'll play the cards right to get her to accept. Just one thing Danny, are you sure you want to do this? That's a little too deep I don't want to rubbing salt on open wounds now."
"Yeah I'm sure about it, Look I spent my whole day off sitting in front of this fucking laptop reeling through the right idea and this one thought kept coming up over and over again. The deceiving doubts halt one's inner fearlessness like broken hearts and faulty wiring cripple our romantic adeptness. I will not allow myself to lose this not without a fight Jimmy."

"Well let's meet tomorrow try to have the rough draft as clean as possible so I can show Jen that it won't take too long to make any necessary changes, I can't wait to read it . It sounds perfect for what we both want to convey"
"Hey Jimmy, I also wanted to say thank you for your support through all of this and I hope this last ditch effort on both our ends pays off be it good or bad, All I want is to know that we both fought and if it fails we went down with a last grasp at hope. Goodnight and once again thank you"

I went back to the laptop with a new sense of self-assurance and I knew this, this was it. I knew if I were meant to do something special I knew this is that special thing I was meant to do. I spent the rest of the morning finishing off the rough draft. After getting ready I stepped out into a cold morning where the air was fresh and heavy, the trees rustled as I walked with conviction to a local breakfast joint. On my way there I stopped by and ordered my usual Earl gray latte when another epiphany hit with a weight a thousand tons. I ruffled through my bag and pulled out the rough draft and crossed out the last page completely. I began to re-work the ending to leave subtle clues about what I want the reader to perceive. I began to write feverishly on the back of the page and slowly the ending came to be something extraordinary, something that will leave me with hope for any possible outcome and best of all closure. I sent Jimmy a text to just meet me here while I finished off the last paragraph. This was my vision, this is what I wanted. This was written as close but most importantly it was written for her.

DAY 18
The story I wrote was unworthy to be meshed with the other one for reasons I have yet to find out but Jimmy said he would take a second look at it and let me know what he thought after I came up with a better ending and deeper sub-characters in the storyline. I once again sat at the coffee shop typing away frivolously while my thoughts and heart were somewhere else. I stopped typing and just sat there wondering if this was even worth it? Would she even pick this collection up? Why the hell was I even trying to convince her that she made a mistake by running? I was losing my mind. A few days after Jimmy and I met at the coffee shop I went over to Ronnie's house to see how he was doing. I saw that I wasn't the only one worried about his well-being Johnny and Jimmy came along we all sat around an old coffee table full of bills, newspaper and stains. The mood was light and happy, Ronnie seemed to be taking it tough but the wrinkles on this man's face told all the stories we needed to know. We talked about life, my short stories and what tomorrow will bring us.

"It's tough to think how tomorrow will be better than today, we'll never know until we get there and even if it's staring at us right in the eye how will we know how to handle it?" Asked Ronnie as he wrung his strained and frail hands
"It's something we all have to face and if some moron out there can do it then I know I'll pass with flying colors" Johnny responded with a hint of criticism at the question itself.
"Well that's not true Johnny there are plenty of tough situation tomorrow can bring, it's up to how strong and resolute a person is that will allow them to overcome each obstacle. Ain't that right Danny?" Jimmy asked as if he thought I was not adding anything to the conversation.

"Uh yeah, well kind of 'cause you can be an extremely resolute person but if you answer with your 'mind over matter' ideals you'll soon find out that you have led a goal oriented life and not a happy one. I say you let your emotions do your biddings, well not all emotions cause then that would mean killing would be allowed, I mean let your well intended emotions do your bidding..." my voice began to trail off as the realization hit me that I let that happen with Sarah, I could have stopped her if I wanted to be selfish but she did need to leave to get her mind off all the chaos going on around us. May be we were never dating but we did have something and I knew that if I asked her to stay she would have. "Sorry, I had one of those moments but I digress, If we let our well intended emotions lead our life then we shall 'live' in a life that would have been worth it."

"For being just a kid you talk like you were years older than me Danny, and hell I'm the one with wrinkles and diabetes" said Ronnie as he chuckled. Then his face turned somber as if he had something killing him within. "You know after thirty something years of being sober was bliss but my life isn't bliss without my Sandra, I took my first drink since 1979 and let me tell you it was delicious. My doctor thinks it's not good for me to be drinking with my diabetes but to tell you the truth I really don't care anymore I just want to be with my Sandra again..." his voice trailed off into silence repeating the last two words quietly to himself.

"Whoa, what the hell Tio?! What would Tia say about this? Huh? No if this means I have to keep tabs on you where ever you go to make sure you stay dry I will so help me go I will!" yelled Johnny, He was irate and looked over at Jimmy and me for support but found none.
"Don't yell Johnny, I know this is upsetting news and I understand you want to protect me from myself but I'm a grown ass man. Please just calm down and take a seat." Said Ronnie in an almost peaceful tone.
"Oh come on guys! Help me out here! You both know what he's doing and it's just not right. He's trying to speed his death here." In utter helplessness Johnny began to search our eyes once again for some kind of answer until Jimmy spoke up.

"Look Johnny, he's not drinking himself silly every night. Yeah I may not agree with what he may be doing to his health but its nothing to get so heated Johnny."
"Yeah Jimmy's right Johnny he's just finding a way to cope with such a tragic loss, some other people would find a higher power, immerse themselves in their work or hobby. I find that false hope and pop rocks are my only companions on a bitterly lonesome night."
"I'm serious Danny, you are full of wise sayings beyond your years, what has gone so far south in your life that you spend your nights pondering such sayings?" Ronnie asked with a smirk on his face, as if he knew exactly what happened to make me such a love fool cynic." Lets step outside Danny, I feel as if you are craving another one of your cigarettes. Jimmy, Johnny make yourselves at home there's beer in the fridge and don't worry I only drink one a night I left the receipt of the case on the fridge so you can count the days and count the beers."

The yard was beautifully adorn with Tulips, Daisies and Lilies, with a ceramic walk way leading to a fountain of the Pieta. It was beautiful; the grass was maintained perfectly the dew clung to every blade. The sun began to show through the thick rain clouds that passed, the large apartment buildings two blocks down cast a shadow over the grill pit. We made our way over to the patio, Ronnie's footsteps were labored but the steps still had conviction and vigor. He sat facing the garden and fountain and a smile grew slowly across his face, it became bigger and bigger until all his wrinkles became so closely packed together they gave the illusion of one.

"Take a seat Danny, I'm surprised you haven't asked about Sarah yet."
"Uh, yeah how is she? I hope all is well in Madrid." I said trying not to show the pain about any new knowledge that may be detrimental to my hopes of winning her back.

"Madrid? Really is that what she told you? Look Danny I know how you felt about her and how she felt about you. I was ecstatic and I know Sandra would have been too, knowing that Sarah may have found someone who was worth her time. But I think all the chaos was too much for her to handle and said she wanted to get away. She want to go to Madrid but all her saved up cash went into helping pay for Sandra's funeral. She did have enough to move out and find a place for herself here in California. She has asked me not to say where 'cause she didn't want you to find out and go looking for her if you changed your mind. You know you broke her heart with the last words she heard from you and would take with her to wherever she went. I'm paraphrasing here but bear with me, it is along the lines of 'Who said I was begging for you to stay? Don't you have clothes to pack and tickets to buy? Have a nice life and all the best' she went there that day to tell you that she was scared and may be all this fear was clouding her thoughts about the possibilities of your future relationship. She was telling you how she was running from anymore uncertainties and this is how you responded. Danny why? Why didn't you just ask her to stay?"

"Look Ronnie I see that Sarah didn't tell you the whole thing, I did ask her to reconsider what she was doing and that I was only giving her one chance to give this relationship a shot. She pretty much told me she wasn't going to reconsider and that she had her mind-set on taking off to Madrid. There was nothing more I could say to her. Except to stop wasting my time I guess." I said with a pain stricken voice.

"You see that fountain? I sculpted it, well it was one of those plaster cast things that all you had to do was to chip away the lines and grooves. I made that for Sandra right after she had her mind-set on leaving me because of the uncertainty of my drinking. It was something I made out of love and a bit of squalor in myself. It was almost as if I were begging her to stay with this big ass token of my love."

"Look Ronnie, I told her myself I wasn't going to sit there and beg her to stay. Not that its below me but I feel that if I beg her to stay may be she stayed for all the wrong reasons. May be she stayed so she wouldn't feel guilty about breaking a begging man's heart. That's why I gave her one shot to changer her mind!" I started to get a little aggravated with where this conversation was headed.

"Okay son, don't get angry I was just passing on some wisdom. Oh can you do me a favor and ash on the concrete? 'Cause the ash hurts the plants I think. Sorry now where was I? Oh that's right, this character you are writing about in your short story what's his name? Bruce? Yeah that's the name, sounds very familiar to Jimmy and the problem he had with Chloe. Did you base it off him and his past troubles with Chloe?"
"Yeah, That's the idea we are going for and also a last ditch effort on his part to see her one more time not to win her back but to feel he has made peace with the universe after everything he put his mind through."
"Oh I see, there's something that's also bothering me Danny. There are some personality traits that I find very interesting, he's a writer and somewhat of a philosopher. Also he likes to drink a lot of earl gray lattes."

"How did you get all that from just a basic synopsis I told you?" I asked incredulously on how accurate his choices were, I pulled another crush and lit it the crackle of the ember was the only sound that was heard for those few seconds of silence between the two of us.
"Jimmy gave me a rough draft and asked me what he thought about it, I thought it was his own short story but then he told me this was all you. I was surprised to see how well you captured Jimmy with this 'Bruce' character but he pointed out the few idiosyncrasies that didn't add up with him, I'm not taking away from his philosophies and what not but the way Bruce would sit there in his room thinking of things that most people his age never even dream of asking, now why is that?"
"Well I thought the character needed more depth, that's all"

"Hmm okay let's stop beating around the bush okay? What you are doing with this story is not only helping Jimmy out, you are clearing your mind and letting Sarah know exactly what you felt even if you do say you don't beg. I think that you just have. I made that fountain as a desperate beg for Sandra to stay, Jimmy asked you to write this story as a last ditch effort, or beg, to see her one more time and you, Danny, you have added your idiosyncrasies with hope that Sarah where ever she may be picks it up and notices your pleads for her to come back.

"I... I couldn't help it..." I couldn't think straight at the time, my cigarette burned away until the ember nicked my finger and dropped it. This brought me back to what Ronnie was saying and decided that it was time to go. I had to finish the rough draft to the second story, Ronnie was right I was begging but it wasn't loud enough I needed my own story not just subtle hints that could be easily misinterpreted. "Sorry to cut this short Ronnie but I have some pages that need revision. Thanks and you take care okay buddy?"
"I see the light bulb is on after this little talk huh? Well good luck with your endeavors Danny!" he yelled as I made my way to the sliding glass door. "Oh and Danny! Did you know that the fog up north is so thick it can cover the Golden Gate Bridge? It's beautiful she sent me some pictures."

All I could do was to look back with complete disbelief but a smile was written all across my face, enough to the point where Ronnie had to return the same smile back. Jimmy and I made our way back to the café. I pulled out my notebook and began writing, Jimmy just sat there drinking a black coffee and trying to read my upside down writing. The only reason he stayed is because he knew that I was in the perfect state of mind to write something worth reading the second I was done. He began to look around as he lit a Newport. I looked up to see what he was doing and I saw his eyes affixed on something across the street.

"What do you think is gonna happen to the place?" without turning his head he asked. He made a head nod to the condemned lot that the Laundromat was located on.
"I don't know I didn't want to bring it up with Ronnie, but I doubt he'll want to rebuild if anything I think he has enough to retire and lead the sweet life."
I finished writing, it was about a page or so, it was just a paragraph and a half long but it was the heart of the new story I was planning to place along with Jimmy's story. He read it with a smile and when he was done looked up at me. I was sure he loved it but the nerves were killing me.
"So what do you think?"
"I like it but are you sure its depth is big enough to hold the rest of your story together?"
"Look this is my last chance against hope and all odds and well it's a bed time story I told her once and she loved it."
"So you really don't care if the story lacks any depth then? Cause im telling you right now if it's not going to sell the company is going to be hesitant to add it with your other story."

"No it's going to have depth this is just an overview, I just want the basic plot line especially this last page."
"Whoa, hold on for a second. This is the closing paragraph? This is way to open-ended to leave as is! For one you'll piss off Jen with this kind of ending and second you'll piss off the reader who may end up wanting more."
"Exactly, well all except the pissing people off but I do want to leave it open-ended I want the reader to think that these characters are real and there is no ending, well not just yet cause there's a story yet to be written 'cause the characters don't know what tomorrow brings!"
"Well that's a damn good retort Danny, damn good. Let's hope Jen falls for it. So you really want to end with that last paragraph?"

"Yup, it's exactly how I ended the bed time story. ' The Earl Gray latte sat between them as she sipped her hot chocolate, the early morning sun peeked over the San Francisco skyline. They talked about all the missed opportunities of the past and pondered upon the future. They never thought that after 15 years they would be right back where they started, pondering what was in store for their future. They don't know what tomorrow will bring but they knew that all they had to worry about was how no matter how much time had passed, they still acted like the 20-year-old kids they were when they first met. As many historians say 'history tends to repeat itself'. May be this time their maturity would affect the outcome but this we will never know. For all we know, they were just at the corner coffee shop enjoying each other's company and the beautiful San Francisco morning."

DAY 21
A few weeks had passed since Ronnie told me about the general location of Sarah. I debated the idea for some time and all the signs pointed to yes, I should go find her; that I should go get some closure. My manuscript was going well and Jimmy told me that my next conceptual idea of a romantic story of growth, deceit, love, change and the simplest variable that we all know; Life its self, would be a big jump forward. Thoughts rushed in passionate ribbons across the infinite depth of my mind and soul but my bags were already packed and ready to go, the tickets were printed lying as a bookmark on chapter 17 of my 1962 printing of "The Catcher in The Rye". I paced back and for trying to talk myself out of the trip, may be the thought of closure would cement the awful truth I've come to realize.

Jimmy was right may be it was time that I moved on but all I need is to know that I don't have a chance; I've invested too much time, energy and sanity into this to let it wither away. I grabbed my pack and walked out the door into uncertainty. The walk to the Metro was no more than a 5 minute away. The day was beautiful, Sun perched itself at the noon position. The fresh sea breeze clung itself to every corner and the trees rustled quietly as I made my way by them. The metro took about 10 minutes to reach the station; as I made my way on board I couldn't help but notice this gorgeous young woman around my age. She had medium length hair with a purple headband, her eyes were a deep emerald-green. I forced myself to make my way past her and through the center swivel joint on the metro. The whole trip was beautiful in an urban sense; you could see the changes in demographics as the train passed each station.

The graffiti actually became better as we made our way closer and closer to Downtown LA too bad I had to get off mid-way through the trip to change trains at the Rosa Parks/Imperial Station; I tried to make my way out of the overcrowded car full of girls 5 years younger carrying 3 children and the homeless person with 3 extra seats being occupied by their worldly possessions. Once again I saw the beautiful girl as she struggled with her duffel bag and roller suitcase coming out of the sliding doors. We both took the elevator up to the second floor where the green line connected; an awkward silence filled the piss stenched room. The hush splashed across her lips made her that much more irresistible, I couldn't help but smile as our short levitating trip seemed like it lasted ages.

The door opened up and the decibel level rose exponentially with the sound of speeding cars on the 105 and the rush of strong winds. I made my way to the oversized transit map that was spattered with colors and lines. After a few minutes of unsuccessful deciphering I just gave up and leaned against the map. I began listening to my music to drown out the substantial amount of background noise. My wooden "running away from home" suitcase was leaning beside me on the ground. It was speckled with vintage hotel stickers; the trim was a dark brown with a light brown center. As the next train arrived to the station I intentionally made my way to the opposite car that the beautiful girl had just entered so I wouldn't be forced to have some kind of awkward interaction with her again. The stations passed by in a flurry and I ended up getting off on Aviation to catch the shuttle that would 'escort' me to my flight. Once again I saw the gorgeous girl and once again she was having some difficulty with her over sized duffel bag. I had seen enough and went to help her out by grabbing it for her as she pulled what seems like a mammoth sized rolling suitcase. I once more smiled at her and she mouthed the words thank you at me. She must have thought my earphones were on full blast which (on any other occasion would be true) was not the case.

I responded in what was intended to be a clear and manly voice that she was welcome but my voice cracked half way through thanks to the lack of verbal communication I had today. My voice was not at its usual apex of verbal communication, as we used the escalators down to the bus bay she began humming the exact song I was listening to "moving to new York" by the wombats even if it was way off-key.
"How did you know I was listening to that song?" I asked her still bewildered.

She didn't respond, all she did was express a shy smile and just nodded her head. I just smiled politely and put my earphone back in and began to enjoy the syncopation of soothing music. I once more broke the silence and made my awful attempt at some type of what we would call a conversation (or lack thereof).
"So, I see you're taking a flight too, where are you running to? Or let me ask a better question where are you running from?" I asked with a little hesitation in my voice.

Once again she didn't respond verbally but did something that caught me by surprise she gave the international symbol for mute. This was when it hit me she never responded cause she was a mute! For one I felt like a complete and utter idiot! And second of all I just ruined any attempt at being smooth (or as I have stated before the lack thereof) I made another lame attempt at a conversation with the little bit of sign language I did know from curiosity driven reading frenzies. After a few attempts she showed mercy and pulled out her pen and notebook and began writing.

"So I apologize for not responding I hope you don't think I'm rude I'm just a little shy when it comes to 'talking' to total strangers." she wrote with a quaint eloquence.
"Oh, well that's quite alright, actually I didn't want to come off as over bearing. My name's Danny and what should I be calling a pretty girl like you?"
"Millie and it is very nice to meet you Danny, Well to answer your previous question I am not running away, technically, I'm traveling across the states taking photos. Now I recycle your question and direct it towards you." As she side-stepped my flirtatious insinuations.
"Well Millie is a very beautiful name and I'm not running away either, let's just say I'm running to a certain destination." I wrote feverishly as my terminal approached.

"You seem to be in a hurry, are you getting off soon?"
"Yes, the next terminal is my stop. It was very nice meeting you Millie I hope your endeavors are fruitful." As I gave her a timid smile; my hand began to tremble when I saw her smile as she read the note.
"Well you don't have to say your goodbyes just yet; I'm also getting off at the next terminal." As she passed the notebook over she once again gave me a shy smile with a hint of blush rouging across her beautiful cheeks. She also let out a semi audible giggle when she saw me read the note and look completely embarrassed. I looked around and rubbed the stubble across my cheeks and let out a nervous laugh. She grabbed the notebook once more and wrote down another sentence. After I read it I just smiled and nodded.

We made our way off the shuttle as I once again helped her with her bags. We stood in line quietly as we picked up our tickets from the counter. As we made our way to the security check point she began to sign a few words for me to learn she leaned in and grabbed my hands. I felt my heartbeat begin to rise, for the first time in a few months, I was actually nervous in the face of beauty. We stood in that dreaded line for an hour but time flew as we slowly began to have a small conversation with the few words she taught me, every time I signed her smile grew wider and wider. We made it to the metal detector and I passed first with no incident as I sat down to tie my shoes I heard a small argument brewing. The TSA agent who may have been on the clock for an hour too long was asking Millie open her bags to check the contents because of her hypo-clearing agent. She began to sign and from what I can tell she was explaining why she couldn't. I made my way over to mediate the situation when I hear the older black lady begin to verbally assault Millie.

"Excuse me miss I need you to open your bags" her tone began to wean off the fake attempt at being nice. Millie once again signed her argument against why she couldn't. "It really ticks me off when I get these fuckin' retards in my line. Why can't they come with some sort of note." She said this to her partner standing behind the machine as they both shared a laugh. They must have thought she was deaf and not mute. The verbal attack continued until I finally had enough of the abuse and spoke up.
"Yeah may be if you yell a little harder she'll understand you old hag!"
"Excuse me sir this isn't any of your business so please grab your bags and walk away"
"I can't when someone is abusing someone they don't understand you ignorant, uncivilized asshole!"
"Sir! Do not use that kind of language with me or I'll have you escorted to your terminal!"

"Look she's not deaf she's mute! She's heard all the rude things you've said about her!" I could see millies face forcing back the tears of frustration and anger at the constant barrage of prejudicial jokes on her behalf "She's trying to tell you that she can't open up the bag because I think she has unexposed film in there and if the light hits it, it may ruin her pictures and why do you need to open her bags anyway?"
"We wanted to know what she was carrying inside this bag. We see she has a bag with foreign substance in there."
"Look she's a photographer, you can open the bags in another room if you really want to with no light but there isn't anything in there that can harm anyone,"
"Okay take her to one of the side rooms and pull the bag out to examine the contents and as for you sir, you need to mind your own business and let me do my job okay?"
"If this is what you call doing your job then I feel less safe than I did a few years ago." As I grabbed my suitcase and waited for Millie to come out of the room; eventually she did with a tear streaming down her cheek she tried to wipe it off before I noticed but it was too late.

After that what seemed like an eternity of arguing with the TSA lady we made our way to our terminals. As we reached hers I finally grew the nerve to ask her for a cup of coffee as we waited for our flights to be boarded. We sat for a good 2 hours "chatting" between our signing and writing we hit off something great but like always it ended too soon. As we said our goodbyes she slipped a note into my tweed jacket. I was in line to board my flight when I felt my cell phone vibrate as I reached into my jacket I found her note.
"Dear Danny,

You just stepped away for a few seconds to go to the bathroom. So I decided to write you this note, Whatever happens in San Francisco just remember closure may be hard to swallow at first if it's not the answer you were looking for, but no matter what there is always tomorrow and the future beyond that with plenty of fruitful events to reap. You can write to me anytime just shoot me a text when you land and I'll give you my P.O. Box and I hope to hear from you because I have never been this natural around a total stranger I met on a metro (though you have been the only one it's happened with =]). Take care and I hope it all goes well and I also wish you get everything you deserve out of life.
Sincerely,
Millie "

I made my way down the aisle with a smile on my face. The text I received was from Millie and all it said was "I'll see you at the coffee shop, wherever that may be..." This had to be the greatest text I had ever received.

DAY 21 (San Francisco)
The whole flight the text kept running through my vague thoughts. I'll see you at the coffee shop, wherever that may be. What the hell did that mean? I tried to look back at our conversation but nothing came to mind. My seat back tray was down and my laptop was out and open, the word processor just sat there as the little black bar sat there blinking at me almost as if it were asking me "what's on your mind buddy?" just as that cross thought my mind I had a moment of inspiration and slowly my fingers began to move slowly. My minds began to race and create and fingers began to move in rapid succession until the first stanza made perfect and utter sense
"Her hands moved with a fury of passion and excitement,
her face gave the direct impression of what she wanted.
Millie was her name, the name that will forever be branded in my soul,
her face was that of an angel that warms you in the bitter cold."

My mind was in a full sprint when the stewardess passed by telling me we were on final approach and I needed to shut off the laptop and lock my seat back tray. For a second I wish I had more time to finish the thoughts I wanted to cement into the liquid crystal display safe but at that very moment the screen went black and I knew it was too late. Walking out of the terminal I couldn't help but feel nervous but not about finding Sarah but about finding out 'closure' and still not being satisfied with the answer. The hills were splashed out in a panoramic window with the hustle and bustle of airline traffic moving through it. The sky was a powder blue and the sun was around the 3 o'clock level and the glare was becoming a bit overwhelming.

I reached into my tweed jacket with a faint hope of finding another note but alas there was only my black retro Ray Bans. Like a wise man once said about his shoes being his "magic shoes" the same could be said about my shades they were like the pet that could be lost for years but always found its way back to its rightful home. As I reached the end of the concourse I picked up a tour map and a few other brochures about the San Francisco transit system (which was more complicated than my high school physics class put together.) I found my way onto the BART and once again waited for my exit the whole trip was clouded with thoughts and nervous anticipation. What the hell did I get myself I knew I should've just lived in my own world of oblivion! It is also true what they say ignorance is bliss. God I hate it when other people are right.

DAY 22
The luxurious city vibrated with inert anticipation. I stayed in a dinky motel a short ride from Union Square, the room was something I was accustomed to with the familiar smoke-stained walls and carpet right out of a gross 80's porn flick. I spent most of the day walking around the city and enjoying the sights. The view was spectacular from Crissy Park, The city was sprawled out before me and the sun was setting behind me. Beautiful, utterly beautiful; the city began to calm my nerves about seeing Sarah again but something just didn't feel right, I knew deep down inside that there was something more to this whole situation that I had yet to conceive. The ride down to my motel was a blur of silhouettes and neon lights. For some reason or another I was attracted to this small coffee joint on the corner of Chestnut st. and Avila. I made my way in and ordered an Earl Gray Latte, as I made my way back outside to hail down another taxi cab t take me home I heard a familiar giggle and my heart sank. I broke into a cold sweat and dashed around the corner.

The familiar voice came closer and closer. My breathing began to increase rapidly. The voice entered the café. I couldn't help but talk to myself in the state of panic I was in, Shit! Shit! Shit! What a small fucking city! What do I do? Okay first calm yourself, act cool. What the hell are you talking about? You're not smooth, shit! Just as I began to calm myself Sarah walked out arm in arm with a charming fellow she giggled like a school girl and he just grinned. She looked up into his eyes as she talked to him passionately about something that escaped me. They didn't notice me trying to hide behind my tea. My heart hit the pavement when I saw them grasp each other in a passionate embrace and sealed it with a loving kiss. I never had a chance, just like every other archetypal character I ever created. I turned around and hailed down a taxi but no luck, my mind was a blur of frenzied thoughts.

"Danny?" Exclaimed an angel
Shit
"Danny! Is that you?" the voice grew louder and louder as she neared me, my back was to her as my face was strewn with hurt and anguish. I inhaled deeply and whipped away a tear. "Danny! What the hell are you doing here?" she exclaimed with a shortness of breath.
"The publishing company paid for a quick vacation so I can clear my head and write some more novels based on the bed time stories I used to tell you." I turned around lighting a cigarette.

"I wanted to call and tell you that I received your texts but never responded because of... well you know now. I just didn't want you to get hurt; I thought you just forgot about me when you stopped texting me."
"Well I guess your mission succeeded cause I'm fine" when I really wasn't fine at all, to hide this I took another drag of my cigarette and almost choked on the smoke. "I never thought you'd be here it caught me by surprise"

"Cut the bull shit Danny, My dad called he told me you were coming. I'm sorry but you hurt me the way you just dismissed me that day at the cafe"
"Oh speaking of bull shit are we? Then why the hell did you string me along with vague hints of love and potential happiness. This to a guy who has been trampled over by so many other women seeking attention and that's all you wanted my fucking attention. Well there you go you had it for a good 3 months!"
"Danny please, I tried to feel something but there was nothing there! I wish I could have felt something but I couldn't okay?"
"Right, and this is what you couldn't tell me? Huh?! This is what you had to run away for? All I have stuck in my head are all the great moments we shared but I guess now they were all tainted by deceit."

"Can you please turn off your pretentious attitude and talk to me like Danny! Please..."
"I am for the first time since we met I'm showing you who I really am, a guy with a ton of questions and only receiving feel good answers. I'm a guy standing here asking questions that leave me completely open to being hurt!"
"Why are you being such an asshole?"
"Do you remember the day we came back from Malibu? When we were driving down PCH and I was writing in my note-book? I wrote down a song lyric I heard on the radio. After I left for work that morning I left it on my pillow so you would wake up to it. Do you remember that?"
"Yeah, kind of, I just remember asking what it meant but I don't remember what it said"

"Yes that one, it read 'I can never be the good guy'. It's a lyric from die-hard movie girl by the wombats. The reason I left that note was because I had suspicions about how things were going to end up and I knew this question would be raised. So to answer your question let's just say I can never be the good guy. With this said I hope you find love and feel what I was beginning to feel trust me it's gods greatest gift to man."
"Danny, I wish I could tell you the same thing but..." I interrupted her
"Bye Sarah" I hailed down a taxi as it roared by, I ran across the street tipped my non-existent hat towards Sarah.

I made it to my room, my mind and heart were a wreck, my thoughts were deprived of logic and understanding. They were full of self loathing and a terrible hatred not towards Sarah because for her I Bared no I'll will. Most of the hatred was directed at myself, I knew it was foolish to keep pursuing something I knew would never happen. I tossed and turned in my bed remembering all the small things I missed about Sarah the way she giggled at the stupid comments I made or how she would place her head on my chest and wrap arm around my stomach before she went to sleep. Then Ronnie's words echoed in my mind like a distant church bell. "Son, the greatest courage a man can have is not to be brave or bold in the face of death since this is certain to happen to all of us. The greatest courage a man can have is to open himself and allow himself to love without expecting something in return since this is the only uncertainty we have in this life. Will she ever love me back?"

As I began drifting in and out of sleep I felt my phone go off and noticed I received a text from Millie "New York is amazing! If you are still in San Francisco by next Tuesday let me know so I can meet up with you. My friend's art gallery is opening up down there and I will be passing by, well good night Danny! And I'll drink an extra Earl Gray for you". May be this was a sign, a trial, May be god needed to see if I were willing to open myself up for the first time in my life and allow uncertainty to lead my love life before he would send someone who could change my world but that's a lie 'cause I live by many mottos but one fits this situation. Fuck fate.

DAY 23
The day had passed but it seemed like an eternity, the lines repeated over and over in my mind. The echo drove me crazy and didn't allow me to sleep; my laptop was full of tangents for new ideas. The afternoon sun began to creep below the beautiful hills. The sky was painted mosaic of blue, purple and orange haze, the smell was cool and fresh. I grabbed my coat and headed out the door, the corridor was a sad beige with a forest green carpet and the fluorescent tubes hummed subtly. I needed to walk and clear my mind and what better place to do it than in a beautiful city like San Francisco; the streets were still littered with people walking, laughing, living and some sat there looking into each other, loving. I grabbed the usual at the coffee shop and made my way down the street. I walked for a few minutes until I hailed a taxi and made my way to Market St. and got off at Union Square. There were a few benches as I walked down the street until I found one that suited my fancy. As I sat there drinking my tea looking around trying to forget why I came to such an invigorating city. I pulled out a Camel Crush and began to light it when I heard someone call out but I just went on with my melancholic thoughts.

"Excuse me, sir?" asked an elderly looking gentleman with an outdated coat.
"Yeah?"
"Sorry to bother you but may I ask you for a cigarette?"
"Oh sure no problem, here you go. Do you need a light?" I asked him as I handed him a cigarette.
"Wow, thank you. To tell you the truth you are the sixth guy I've asked and the only one that actually treated me like a human being. I just want to thank you for that." He said through watering eyes. "do you mind if I sit here and enjoy this cigarette with you?"
"Sure thing sir, here let me make some room. I'm sorry to hear about how people treat you but why is that? You seem like a nice man."
"I see you're not from around here; my name is Mark but most people here know me as 'the hobo' or what have you."

"What? You're homeless? I never would have guessed it you seem like a nice older gentleman. May I ask why you are homeless?"
"Let's just say it was a series of unfortunate events that eventually led to my demise." He said reaching into his coat pocket searching for his lighter.
"I'm sorry to hear that, no offense but you seem out-of-place, you speak with such eloquence its amazing."
"Well I do take a little offense to that just because you seem to categorize all homeless people into a prejudicial social class but its understandable. May I use your lighter?"
"Right, that was my fault I should know not to judge a book by its proverbial cover" I said as I handed him good ole' blue.
"Interesting analogy you used there, See I used to be an English teacher but like I said earlier it's because of the unfortunate incidents you see me here today." He said as he lit his cigarette "So what brings you to San Francisco?" as he passed me the lighter.
"I tried getting some answers from someone I care for and let's just say I got the answers I expected but didn't want to hear. So now you see me here drinking my favorite tea and enjoying this carcinogenic cigarette with a wonderful new acquaintance."

"I see, do you mind me asking why you were asking questions to something you already had the answers to?"
"I just hoped there was chance, I guess. I'm Danny by the way" I said as I finally shook his hand. He smiled and looked down at the cordial embrace. It's almost as if I were his first human interaction in years.
"Nice to meet you Danny, Let me guess you found her with some other guy? When you thought you still had a chance huh?" he asked as he exhaled and stared at the ribbons of smoke coming from his lips. They rose quietly into the low-lying tree that was planted behind us as it withered away into oblivion.
"How did you know?"
"One thing I have learned is that all writers use their own personal experiences to make something beautiful that much more truthful. Ever since the 14th century we have led a plagiaristic existence. The Shakespearian tragedy"

"No one has ever put it that way before; I'm just used to a Salingeresk or Poe approach to life and romance."
"Even they were influenced by Shakespeare's take on love and life: For example Poe's Annabelle Lee is your quintessential tragedy and Salinger used it in his manner of tone for life in 'Franny and Zooey' see Salinger was more of a philosopher than a writer. He used characters to express emotions he held deep within. In Franny and Zooey he used the character model of Othello in how Zooey felt some sort of jealousy to his older brothers on how they see life a little clearer than he did."
"Now I sit here wondering why you can't find a job. It's amazing to hear this, and once again no offense, from a homeless man." I pulled out two cigarettes and handed one to him.
"So I see you are a literary type"
"Yeah, well a wannabe. I'm call myself a writer but I just use this for my own amusement. See I'm no writer I'm just some jerk with a laptop and a heart full of passion. Salinger, Fitzgerald, Stienbeck, Frost, Poe now those guys were true authors. I'm just a guy with great vocabulary and a sense of romance."

"That's your opinion son, You don't think they held the great authors of their age to such esteems too? Look if you have a story to tell then just tell it. It doesn't matter if one or one million read your book. All that counts is that the one person you wrote the story for read it." He looked at me with a glimmer in his eye. "That's all that counts, once you feel you have left everything you needed to say out on that sheet of paper or on your laptop or Kolibri typewriter for all I care. Just that you feel accomplished and fulfilled." He said as he poked my chest. I smiled and looked up at the dark night sky; a few stars peeked through the tree's branches. My mind was racing earlier but now everything was clear. Sarah was gone and the short story was finished, I'm certain she would read it because of Ronnie. I knew there was another story to write here and this one wasn't for Sarah or Chloe or Jimmy. This one was for me, I needed to write something that would make this journey seem worthwhile.

"Did that get you thinking Danny? I hope it did because you seem like someone who has been searching for a missing piece. You're far too young to be searching, enjoy your youth Danny because time is fleeting and you are letting it pass you up as you keep swiping for that piece that will inevitably come. Instead focus on becoming what you want to be, everything else will fall into place its fate, or as my son once told me, its string theory."

"Well Mark I have to head back and pack so I can head home with new-found intensity to write. Thank you and I don't know how I'll ever repay you Mark."
"You don't have to Danny, you've done more than enough. You have treated me to an intellectual conversation that I have been deprived from for a long time. You also have treated me like an equal and not some drug abuser." He looked at me once again with tear laden eyes. "Thank you Danny, you have made a lasting impression on me and I know you will make impressions on millions of readers."
We said our goodbyes and walked away. I made my way back to the motel, reeling over the conversation I just had with a great literary mind. When I arose the next morning with bags packed and headed over to the coffee shop to have a quick breakfast before I headed over to the airport. The morning news was on and something caught my attention.

"Excuse me is there any chance you can turn that up?" I asked the barista. The news drew upon my appetite and sucked it into a pit of despair and sorrow. In the early morning the SFPD were called to a gunshot victim at Union Square. The police officer at the scene said it was a homeless man by the name of Mark Straczynski. He was an acclaimed author and professor of English at Berkley. Police say they think it was suicide but they will not be certain until the coroner's report is complete. The English department at Berkley said they will hold a vigil in the memory of a great literary mind. He was 57 years old. The news came as a shock but I know he died happy, he had touched another aspiring author's heart and mind something every great teacher strives for and like any great author he will be better known in death than in life. Take care Mark, I'm certain you will have many great conversations with the authors you came to idolize. "Death is more universal than life; everyone dies but not everyone lives." A. Sachs.

DAY 24
The ticket agent was nice enough to change my departure ticket to Wednesday, just two days after my original departure date. She wore wire rimmed glasses the shimmered with the reflection of her command prompt screen. She clicked away steadily at her keyboard making the all too familiar sounds of taps and thuds. She saw the pain written across my face and without any questions she already knew something devastating had happened on the course of my brief visit. After everything was finalized I thanked her and she said something I still hear to this day 'I hope everything is alright' but no it wasn't. I was the last person to ever see Mark alive and that thought just killed me inside. Did I say something that just pushed him over the edge? I knew I had to get some questions answered and the best place to do it was at the coroner's office. The trip in memories length was short but to tell you the truth I have no recollection of the trip whatsoever. The coroner's office wasn't like on the T.V. shows, the office was full of books overflowing onto the surrounding desks. The desk he sat at was a controlled chaos of papers, notepads and files. He was a short man with dark circles around his gray eyes. He hunched over mumbling to himself as he read over the file of one Mark Straczynski.

"So you're not related to the deceased? I'm not so sure I can give this information out to you sir." He said as he held the manila envelope over his desk.

"I understand but as I said earlier, I was the last person to see him alive, I know he had a wife and son but I'm not sure they would know why he might have taken his life."

"What makes you so sure he took his own life? No one has finalized the report yet."

"I just know okay? I was the last person to talk to him and I don't know, I could just sense something was awry when we said our goodbyes. He kept thanking me for treating him like an equal, like a human being. I just want to know if there was a note of some kind with him to know that I wasn't the cause of his death. It's eating away at me and I don't think I can deal with this torment for too long "

"Well there was a note but like I said I'm not allowed to hand anything out to non relatives."

"Please all I want is a quick peek at it and I'll be gone, I won't tell a soul I just need to ease my own."

"I can't I'm sorry but if you'll excuse me I need to use the restroom" he looked at me and saw the torment in my eyes as he put the file down and open on top of his desk. "I'll be right back" as he motioned with his eyes towards the file on his desk, it was opened to the note

Today I came to know what it is to feel grateful for the few humans out there that value the true meaning of being a humble decent person. As a person that day dreams to comfort oneself I know that I will never find another kind person like the one I met today at the park. It's the saddest realization of my life, since the future is still unwritten and this tired old body cannot take any more emotional and psychological abuse I chose to end it in a befitting way. With a dream in my heart and warmth in my soul Thank you Danny for finally giving me a reason to use the last bullet in the gun that caused me so much grief. Carpe diem, Crastinus mori.

In an odd way I felt relieved that he went out with a bang (no pun intended) The one thing I couldn't understand was why they were hiding the fact of his suicide? What were they trying to hide? With more questions than I wanted answers to. I left the office in a hurry down by the water cooler next to bathroom door the coroner stood with a cup in hand and waved me goodbye. I made my way down a tree-lined street that broke the harsh rays of sunlight into dancing shadows of leaves and branches. For the first time in many years my mind was void of thoughts and sound, the sound of my own footsteps were all I could focus on, well that and the dark stain on my chucks. The breeze came and went erratically, with the sounds of fresh green leaves rustling. I saw a little whole in the wall restaurant with an industrial sign that read the day's specials one caught my eye, Chilean sea bass with a pineapple chutney and a potato/lemongrass puree.

It was a bargain deal! I made my way into this industrial chic place and began to wonder how in the world someone got inspired by a murky and damp room? With all that aside I sat at the bar where I ordered a beer and drank the cool elixir down. After watching a few sport center re-runs I got my plate it was amazingly simple yet the architecture was intricate enough to have me hesitate to even eat this work of art. I pulled out my phone to take a picture when I noticed that I had three messages that were unread in my inbox, Millie actually came to San Francisco a day early but to tell you the truth I had completely forgotten. I responded to her texts and told her to meet me at the restaurant. The meal was an amazing robust with flavors and textures that melt in one's mouth. The explosion of flavor from the chutney counteracted the sharp lemongrass taste of the puree that melded so perfectly together that they accentuated the flakey and soft bass.

As the waitress took my plate, Millie walked in and she made my eyes pop! She looked more gorgeous than the day I met her, which if asked I would have thought that it was a complete impossibility. She wore a sleek gray and black stripped dress that hugged every curve like a professional indy driver. She gave me a hug and sat next to me, I motioned to my beer and received a slight nod from her, I motioned to the bartender for two more. We sat there in innocent silence just smiling and drinking our beers, not because we didn't have anything to talk about on the contrary we had some much to talk about but my inability to sign and our lack of writing implements detoured our possible conversation. The bartender came over in an attempt to make some small talk to ease the nervous atmosphere Millie and I had created.

"You guys make a cute couple" said the bartender that looked a little too young to be serving alcohol. Millie blushed like crazy and smiled widely and I just chuckled and took a swig of my beer.

"Uh, we're just friends. Actually we just met a few days ago."

"Oh I'm sorry! Let me take this foot out of my mouth."

"It's quite alright, I'm sure we do make a handsome couple don't we" once again Millie was flushed with color and gave a slight nod.

"She's a shy one isn't she? What's your name sweetie oh and by the way I love you're dress! Where did you get it?"

"Another small problem there, uh I'm sorry I never got your name. I'm Danny and this is the always beautiful Millie."

"Nice to meet you both, I'm Rose"

"Well Rose the reason you see us sitting here in silence isn't out of choice but out of pure misfortune, no offense Millie, see Millie here is mute, she can respond but only in writing or sign language. My sign language is rubbish and well we lack the proper tools to write down our conversation."

"Oh okay well you look like a smart fellow" she looked over to Millie "don't you have a phone?" Millie nodded as she finished her beer and asked for another." Well you do know we live in the age of technology, why don't you just text your conversation? It isn't like it's impeding all the high school kids from doing it and they have the gift of speech!" she said as she handed Millie her beer.

"Wow, now I feel like a complete jackass" I chuckled taking another drink "and I consider myself a smart fellow, yet I didn't think of that as being as an option" I gazed over at Millie and she gave me the 'idiot' sign and chuckled "Hey, hey, cool it missy or you're picking up the tab." Once more she let out a stifled laugh almost spilling her beer. Rose smiled at our flirtatious smiles and walked away.

"So I haven't told you why New York was a blast!" Millie typed on her phone and handed it over.

"No you haven't, why was it? Was it the beauty or did you find the man of your dreams?" I asked in between sips of my beer. She took the phone away and typed on it again "Oh, see I thought you had to pay extra for that."

"Don't be such a scoundrel!" she handed me the phone with a laugh and took it away.

"Who the hell talks like that anymore?" I said in a joking manner

"Classy, intelligent and well thanks to your observations beautiful women like me" all she did was smile and blush more.

"huh, you got me there. So why did you get here early?"

"I just got bored over there and decided you needed some company and well from the looks of it, you need it. Are you okay?"
"I've been better, let's just say that the trip I thought would answer all my questions ended up adding more questions to that list."

"So I take it this Sarah girl didn't answer your questions how you expected?"

"No she did, that's what sucks" I took a long pull from my beer "Actually she answered them without saying a word. They were also answered by the ruggedly handsome guy she was with..." I heard her tapping away at her touch screen and felt her soft delicate hand on my shoulder. I looked up and saw a look sad disappointment in her eyes.

"Danny, I'm sorry to hear about your misfortune. But you can't dwell on that may be she did feel something but it's just not there anymore. Or may be she didn't feel anything at all but wanted to, but as you can see there are too many variables to this equation."

"Yeah, you're right."

"There's a quote I memorized in High School that I fell in love with, I don't remember all of it but I'll look it up can you call Rose over so I can get a pen and napkin from her oh and something to eat, I'm famished!" she looked at me and smiled. I flagged rose down and called her over.

"More beers?"

"Yes one for me and the lady will have the special Oh! And before I forget can I borrow a pen from you?" she handed me a pen and I pulled out a napkin. Millie grabbed them and began to write on it in a very minuscule script. She stopped a few times and re-read the passage it seemed to be a long one but if she's right it must be worth the length. She handed it over to me and looked at me excitedly. I glanced down and saw it was not a quote but a fucking essay! I looked up at her in disbelief and gave her a quizzical look. She just tapped the nappikin and her eyes coerced me to begin reading the novel she wrote for me, so I read it aloud.

"... And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade and the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some of the talk of you and me,
Would it have been worthwhile?
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it towards some overwhelming question,
To say: "I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all"---
If one, settling on a pillow by her head,
Should say: "That is not what I meant at all. That's not it at all"
And would it have been worth it, after all?
Would it have been worthwhile.

After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that
trail along the floor---
And this, and so much more?---
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen:
Would it have been worthwhile?
If one, settling a pillow by her head
Should say, "that is not what I meant at all; that is not it, at all"

I looked over to Millie and smiled wide.
"The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock by T.S. Elliot... I didn't think anyone else read him anymore." She smiled and shook her head once again. She handed me her phone with new text.

"Since you know the poem then you won't need me to explain myself for the choice of quotation."

"Yeah I understand the meaning, in this context. It's good that I came here in search of answers because then I would have been tormenting myself over and over again like this poor chap if I didn't get them answered." I handed her the phone back.

"Well, now that you have your answer. Was it worthwhile?"

"In a strange and deranged way, yes it was. I found the answers I sought and well I've met an amazing person."

"Well thank you, I'm enjoying myself too. It's been too long since I could just be myself around someone and not have the self-consciousness take over my manner of being,"

"Well since you're here a day early and I have a couple of days before I leave back to Long Beach, how about indulging me on a date?"

"I thought this was a date. To tell you the truth I've never been on one, not that I haven't been asked but you know..."

"Yeah I know and you can consider this a date but it's not my usual repertoire."

"Really, then what is?"

"How about we get some snacks go the park and have a picnic then from there we'll see where my spontaneity takes us."

"You're fucking cheesy Danny!"

"I know, I know I try"

"Do or do not there is no try!"

"Did you just quote star wars?!"

"Why I believe I did, yoda to be in fact."

"Wow you did not just try using some fucking Jedi mind trick on me with that quote cause you are messing with a Jedi Master!!" she smiled and pursed her lips as she wave her hand in the obi-wan kanobi motion. We both got up and paid the bill I left Rose a generous tip and thanked her for her help. As I walked towards the door and opened it for Millie she Thrust her phone into my chest and walked out the door looking back.

"By the way greedo shot first." I looked up and felt a sudden kick of exhilaration flow through every vein in my scrawny body.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! You need to get schooled in the arts of the classic trilogy missy! None of this re-mastered shit. You can see it clearly had shot first!" she kept walking but turned around looked at me and shrugged. She's perfect.

DAY 25
Yesterday was a blur and now with my mind reeling, my lungs full of carcinogenic smoke and fingers tapping away frantically; I still can't help but sit here and think about Sarah, man she really did a number on me. The cynic in me can't believe the lies they sell you in those romantic comedies, where the dashing lead character and the beautiful girl he falls in love with are sitting in completely random rooms thinking about each other. All the fond memories they both undoubtedly share. This was not the case for me, because there was no fucking way she would waste her time thinking about a chap like me when she was dating the guy of her dreams. The guy she always wanted and I could never be.

The thought of this did kill me inside but I knew it was only natural to still feel hurt. See after you rationalize everything the other person did and why they did it, it begins to make sense. Millie on the other hand was perfect but I just felt like it may be too soon to start over from square one. See Millie was something else; she was the girl of my dreams, the girl who has all the qualities that I could just drop everything for, but that's a problem. What do you do after you attain the girl of your dreams? What do you do to keep her interested in you? So many questions arise from such a simple problem. Ignoring all these signs may lead to the inevitable again and well I don't think I'm ready to hit rock bottom twice in one year. I was getting ready with Millie in the other room to go to Mark's vigil at the park where he died. I told Millie the whole story yesterday and was so supportive about the situation. While we were on our 'date' we found a discount book store where we went in and took a peek at the merchandise they had available.

As if by divine intervention Millie found a book called 'For I Love You' written by one Mark Straczinsky It was a beautiful depiction of a faltering relationship from both sides and how misinterpreting a sign can cause doom for any beautiful and meaningful relationship. I've only read about 50 pages thus far and I have highlighted almost every page with quotes and observations to grow upon. 'We cease not to love but to listen and that will be the fall of this moment, of this passion we once had. Life may be fleeting but it's not deceiving us. Let's take our time with decisions of the moment and bask in the shadows of romance'. He made my stories seem like just that, stories. Nothing any toddler can conjure up with slight imagination and a Disney plot line.

The suit I rented was a simple black suit that fit me astoundingly snug. I wore a starched white shirt and a textured black tie under. My outfit was complete with a pair of black and white chucks, as I began straighten my tie a beautiful vision came into the small mirror frame of the motel room. It was Millie looking as beautiful as ever in a black curve hugging dress that ended right below the knees, she had cropped her hair close and wavy curls that cascaded down her shoulders. Her eyes glittered with a shy innocence and the curt strangle on her clutch purse. She smiled at me and I couldn't help but turn around and let my jaw drop along with my gaze. She made her way towards me and my heart began to race (to this day I still say my stomach moved from left to right.) Her perfume was an intoxicating smell of flowers and bygone eras. She grasped my tie and began to tighten the knot and straighten out the wrinkles. All I could do this whole time was stare at her in utter disbelief. She had to be an apparition for I knew no other lucky man to be in this same position. She once again showed a shy smile and walked away.

"Uh... you look beautiful Millie" was all I could blurt out. She walked back to the seat where she had left her overnight bag. From within its depths she pulled out a brown paper package tied with a modest yarn bow. On the paper package was a note that read 'To inform the ignorance in your way's and a way to speak to my heart'
"Millie, you didn't have to" I unwrapped the modest gift to see it was something truly amazing. Inside I found a simple hand crafted manual for conversational sign language. She had taken pictures of herself signing simple words and phrases. I looked up with excitement but the words fell out of my mouth.

"What do you think?" she signed. It took me a while and a few looks at the pictures to completely grasp the meaning of her gestures.

"It's amazing! I ... I don't know what to say for once. When did you find the time to make this?" I said flipping through the book.

"It's pretty simple when you're bored and have a 5 hour flight back to the west coast. The idea first came to mind in the airport when you were trying to remember what you had learned in high school and as you can see it's not too long."

"As amazing as it is, can we practice some more after we get back? We're going to be late." She nodded and extended her arm to grasp my elbow.

I couldn't do it. I just couldn't bring myself to go to Marks vigil, it was too fresh and well I was terrified. I saw a little of myself in him when we first spoke that beautiful clear Sunday night. His words still reverberated in my heart. We watched the scene unfold from a park bench overlooking the makeshift memorial site. Millie and I just sat in silence as we heard of Mark's life, his success and his failures but what put everything into place was how his note now made sense. His son was a troubled grad student at Berkley. He felt too much pressure from his parents to succeed in his career. The stress was too much for him to handle so he took his life, tortured and emotionally broken, into his own hands. On a Tuesday afternoon one shot rang out and one life was gone. From what his ex-wife explained Mark never forgave himself for what he had done to the one true love of his life, his son. From there, his life was a downward spiral of excess drugs and alcohol, his marriage fell apart and his life was in ruin.

He tried to return to his roots of writing but his unfinished manuscript remained just that, unfinished. The ceremony was full of hypocrites and well wishers, yes I may have only known the man for a few hours but within those few hours he made an impact so strong that I will never forget his words, his wisdom, his passion. Millie and I sat for a while just listening as she held my hand, the comfort I felt was like no other. She knew how to drive my fear, my self-loathing, and my insecurities out of me with one simple grasp. I felt at ease with her, so much that a tear escaped my Bastille of emotions. Many of the people there knew of the man but I, I was that very same man. It's strange to think that my own obstacles are nothing compared to what Mark endured but it would be a crime not to say we shared the same, avoidable but close, fate. The vigil ended with a reading of the last chapter of his unfinished manuscript found along with his other worldly possessions. The chapter was short but it was beautiful, it needed no unnecessary sentences or prose. All it needed were two more words. The End.