The Glory of Online Dating (Part 3)

My fingers were still a bit gluey with sperm as I got up off the floor, squeezed back into my briefs, and leapt back into my seat. I ripped open my laptop and once again opened my online dating homepage. There, in the inbox, was another message from my new female friend and future spouse. With trembling sticky fingers, I clicked the message. Nothing happened.
I clicked again.
Still nothing.
Again and again I clicked the message, furiously slamming the mouse against the table as if it were a disobedient pet. Still nothing happened. It appeared that my computer had frozen up at the worst possible time. The roar that escaped my mouth at that moment was surely enough to bring down Zeus himself down from the heavens. It pierced even my own ears and when I finally subdued my vocal chords, I heard many dogs barking and many infants weeping hysterically throughout my apartment complex. I suspected the local police would be inevitably summoned, so I locked my front door, closed my shades, turned off all of my lights, and blew out all of my candles. Then I calmly rebooted my computer and navigated back to the website. Once again I tried to open my new message. This time it opened and my bulging eyeballs scanned over the words, feasting on their content hungrily:

"Ben, I would love to start a relationship with you. You sound like a very powerful man who knows what he wants and how to get it. Plus, I looked at your profile and you are a real cutie. Unfortunately, I'm out of the country on business and won't be back until next Wednesday. I can't wait to get back and start my new life with you. I will make you so happy. I've never felt this much for somebody so soon. Here's the thing though... I'm in Africa and I ran into a snag. It turns out that my ticket back to the states costs $1,500 and I was robbed the other day and only have $300. I need you to do me a HUGE favor and wire me the rest of the money so I can come back and we can start our lives together. I promise that as soon as I get back, I will pay you back in full. I can't wait to see you baby. You can wire me the money using Western Union. Write me back and I'll tell you how. I really appreciate this my love. I can't wait to be in your arms.

Tina."

I finished the email and stared at the screen, trying to decipher the meaning behind her words. Apparently this vile woman wanted my money. At first I was livid with blinding rage. How dare she ask for money! How dare she ask for anything! Since when did a woman have to right to ask anything of a man?! I slammed my fist down hard upon my knee with a sharp thud, more than likely immediately bruising myself badly and causing severe pain to shoot through my body. I shrieked and attempted to stand, but the pain in my knee was too great and I crumpled to the ground, my forehead fiercely slamming onto the linoleum. As my vision clouded to darkness, the last thing I saw was a small mouse scurry from under my stove, more than likely foraging for a small crumb or morsel to sink his teeth into. A perverse smile spread across my face and my eyes rolled back into my head. Darkness consumed me.

It was dark outside. I sat up and groaned. My head throbbed. The head of my solid penis throbbed as well due to the fact that I needed to urinate very badly. Apparently I had been out for quite some time. Moaning in agony the whole way, I hobbled to the bathtub, flopped my useless body inside, and with an exaggerated sigh of relief, I released my bladder. Obtaining a woman was turning out to be an exceedingly difficult and time-consuming task. As I lay there, marinating in the musty stench of urine, I pondered Tina's predicament. Here I was, living in the lap of luxury, while a poor beautiful damsel was in Africa. Penniless and in distress. It was in my power to help her and if I did, I would surely be rewarded with many years of service, sexual escapades, delicious meals, and possibly even offspring. I thought of her wide, childbearing hips and once again felt a wondrous tingling in my loins. I cranked the hot water knob on the tub... brown coppery liquid shot out and covered my pale body. Its stench stung my nostrils. Damned water bill... As the mineral soup washed over me, I realized there was only one thing to do.

An hour later, after I had freshened up and dressed myself properly, I returned to my computer and opened my profile. There, in my inbox, was another email from Tina, describing how to wire the money through Western Union. A surge of anger arose in my soul and my temples grew hot. This uppity young shrew was already assuming that I had agreed to her insane proposition! I took several deep breaths and calmed the rage in my heart. After all, I did plan to agree to her proposition.

The next morning, I entered Western Union's website and followed Tina's detailed instructions. I entered my debit card number and typed in the amount, $1,200, to transfer to her personal bank account. Apparently she would receive the money in three days and informed me that as soon as she received the money, she would be on a plane for New Mexico. Regardless of the fact that I had sent her every cent I had and even overdrawn my bank account by $500, I was joyous and ripe with anticipation. In celebration of this momentous occasion and her pending arrival into the states and my life, I called my AA sponsor to tell him the great news, barbarically hung up on him halfway through his first sentence, cracked open a fresh half gallon of Jamison, and guzzled myself into a blissful and euphoric blackout.