The Glory of Online Dating (part 2)

I woke up the next morning with a splitting headache, a soiled crotch, and a dirty towel pasted to my face with mucus secretion. I was also chock-full of anticipation and excitement to see what awaited me on my new online dating profile. I hoisted my rancid body from the pile of dirty bath towels and plopped down in front of my computer. My anticipation grew as my computer booted up and I hastily quadruple-clicked the internet icon, opening far more windows than I needed. My hands were trembling so badly, I could hardly type in the website, partially because of my excitement and partially because of the ridiculous amount of alcohol that I had consumed the night before. My AA sponsor would be disgusted with me. Oh well…wouldn’t be the first time. I chuckled as I recalled back to the previous Wednesday afternoon when he had burst into my apartment to find me proudly standing atop my kitchen table like some horrible medieval king, covered in maple syrup, naked except for a crude crown I had fashioned from construction paper, and brandishing a toilet plunger and a half-gallon of bourbon whiskey. I digress.

I typed in my username and password at the opening screen and was directed to the home page where it showed my picture, my mailbox, and my favorite matches. I squealed with delight when I noticed that there were two new messages in my inbox. I felt like the luckiest man on the planet as I entered my mailbox to read the words of the two lustful young females who desired me. I was absolutely crushed when I opened the first message to find that it was merely a welcome letter from the staff of the website. I considered responding to the letter with one of my own, filled with harsh criticisms, brutal death threats, and malicious verbal attacks on the family members of all those concerned, but I silenced the rage within by taking several large gulps of wine. I thought of my AA sponsor again and laughed heartily.

I clicked on the second message. It’s subject was "Hi There!". It was a simple greeting, but to-the-point and I thought I slightly detected a sexual tone. I moved my gaze down to the main body of the message and read on:

"Hi! I’m Tina! I was surfing this site and your profile is the first one that popped up! I think you look like a really interesting guy and I would definitely like to get to know you better! So write back and tell me a little more about yourself! Hope to hear from you soon! TTYL!"

I read the message carefully four times. This young lady seemed very enthusiastic. Almost too enthusiastic. Tina would definitely have to be taken down a few pegs and I was most definitely the man for the job. I smacked my lips hungrily. The end of the message, however, confused and disoriented me. TTYL? What was this wench trying to tell me? I knew it must be an abbreviation of some kind, but what was it meant to abbreviate? Still puzzled, I clicked the "Reply" button, cracked my knuckles, and prepared to woo this young lass with my superior writing skills:

"Tina. I received your message and though I am displeased that you waited so long to write me, I am very interested in continuing our correspondence. I haven’t yet looked at your profile so let me just warn you in advance that if I observe that you are unpleasant or unattractive to me in any way, I will immediately cease all communication with you. However, if I see that you are acceptable and to my liking, I will continue to talk to you and eventually make you my wife to do with as I see fit. You shouldn’t concern yourself with asking me questions or trying to pry little factoids from me because I won’t give you any. I will tell you what I decide you need to know and right now, that is nothing except that my name is Ben and I am an absolutely amazing man and lover. And as for your TTYL comment… I can only assume that it was some form of threat, in which case I’ll have you know that I can and will completely destroy you if I see that you intend to cause me harm. I expect a reply posthaste. I love you.
-Ben"

I proofread my letter and promptly hit the send button. Then I clicked Tina’s name so I could feast my eyes on her profile. To be completely honest, I was a bit nervous. What if this young dame was hideous? What if she was vile? I clutched my gut and heaved several times at the thought, stomach acid burning fiercely at the back of my esophagus.
Her page loaded onto my screen and immediately my negative suspicions and fears disintegrated and were replaced by an immediate and powerful hardening of the penis. My eyes grew wide with awe. This young maiden was the embodiment of perfection. Her blonde hair glistened like a golden bale of hay on a dewy morning. She had the bluest of eyes and a stunning face that stared at me as if to say, "Look at me. I’m beautiful and I desperately want to have passionate sex with you." Her teats were the size of large delicious grapefruits and they were jammed down inside of her tight shirt, looking as if they might burst forth at any second like some tiny infant erupting from the womb. This young woman had my overwhelming stamp of approval. I slammed shut my laptop, slid out of my worn Fruit of the Looms, and once again slathered my pulsating appendage with cocoa butter. I figured it would take at least three minutes for Tina to write me back….