The Eagles and Me

I am absolutely terrified of flying. I always have been. I'm afraid that something on the aircraft is going to go wrong and I'm going to fall from the sky and break every bone in my body.

I've never been on a plane before in my life. When I look into the sky and see a plane, I shiver with fear and occasionally soil myself. It's humiliating, demoralizing and terrifying. When driving, I even have problems staying in my lane, because it rhymes with plane. So when my boss told me that I had to fly to Jersey for a business conference, I knew I was in for it... I knew, I just knew that something terrible was going to go wrong and I'd end up falling out of the sky and breaking every bone in my body.

As I sat upon the great white seat, I shivered in terror... I didn't think I had ever been more petrified in my life. Drenched in a cold sweat, I got up off the toilet in the bathroom of the airport terminal and headed for my gate to board the airplane.

As we flew through the sky, I squeezed my eyes shut as tight as I possibly could. Maybe if I could just force myself to go to sleep, the flight would be over before I knew it. No such luck. I was unable to do anything other than sit there, stiff as a board, my hands in a white-knuckle grip around the armrests, my eyes shut tight, my anus puckered. Then something to my left exploded.

I jumped out of my seat, realizing I had just squirted a little bit in my pants. Frantically, I peered out of the window and my heart shot into my throat. THE RIGHT WING WAS ON FIRE!! I lost it. I tore through the isle towards the back of the plane, pushing, punching, tackling, kicking anyone who got in my way. I was desperate to find something... a door... a parachute... anything that could help me. I reached the back of the aircraft and saw several backpacks hanging from a hook on the wall. Parachutes!! I was saved!! I grabbed one of the packs from the hook and ran for the nearest emergency door. Before too long, I found it and yanked up on the handle. The door exploded outward and into the sky. I took one quick glance back around the inside of the plane, noticed several angry passengers and flight attendants running towards me, and took a leap of faith. I flew into the sky like a giant fruit-bat and for one second, I felt amazing. I remembered from television that you're required to wait 10 seconds before pulling the string on the chute... or was it 20? I waited 10 seconds, and pulled as hard as I could, on the strap. The strap promptly ripped off and tore a gaping hole in the backpack, spilling a large amount of silverware all around me. I must have grabbed a regular backpack instead of a parachute. I looked downward and began to accept my horrible fate. I was going to land and break every bone in my body. I closed my eyes and waited for the impact.

All of a sudden the breath was knocked out of me. I had landed on something soft... Something cushioned and comfortable... Was I in heaven? I slowly opened my eyes and realized where I had landed. I was in a massive bird's nest. The nest was at least 8 feet in diameter and as soft as a pillow. I was saved! I examined the nest more closely and realized that I was not alone. There were three baby birds in the nest with me, though these baby birds were enormous! Just as I was wondering what the mother looked like, I heard a mighty screech coming from the sky. I looked up to witness the largest and most majestic eagle I'd ever seen swooping down upon the nest. I immediately curled into the fetal position, in fear of what this great beast would do to me if she found me with her young. To my great surprise, the mother bird acted as if I were one of her own. With great care, she fed me chewed up worms, mice, and smaller birds. As the food was regurgitated into my mouth, I realized that I was truly a fortunate man.

For weeks, the mother returned several times a day with food for her babies and me. We shared many good times, the five of us. We spent long afternoons laughing, playing, and pecking each other. We shared long nights together, the mother's wings wrapped around us, keeping us warm. I never wanted those days and nights to end.

One morning, the mother eagle was late coming home with breakfast. When she did come, she brought only a mouthful. I knew something was awry. I watched closely as she first nudged her first baby towards the outer edge of the nest. Then I looked on in horror as she pushed the baby bird out of the nest. The small eagle gracefully spread its wings and flew away. The mother eagle moved on to her next child. Again, she pushed it out of the nest and it flew off into the sky. When the next bird had also been pushed out and had flown off, I began to get nervous. Surely, the mother eagle didn't expect me to...

And with that, the mother eagle pushed me out of the nest.

With a horrific scream, I fell from the sky and broke every bone in my body.