The Diary of an Almost Living Girl - 2 Days

Thursday June 2nd 2011
3:15 pm,
In My room.

Hi, so this is going to be my new diary, you lucky people will get to hear everything that happens in my life, well until I finish the diary OK? Of course it's OK, this is paper, it isn't as if you're going to talk back to me. There are a few things you should know about me so here goes. My name is Fawn, I know it's unfortunate but you get used to it after a while. I am fifteen years old, I have terrible luck. In fact I have no luck at all, bad or good. Just under six months ago, my family were killed. All of them, no matter how slimly related to me they were, they were killed. My mother, my father, my identical twin sister. Baby cousins, unborn cousins, second cousins six times removed, aunts, uncles, great aunts and uncles. And the list goes on. Thirty-seven freak accidents all at the same time, fires, earthquakes, bombs and tsunami's, killing every other living relative I had, whether I knew them or not. Only killing members of my used-to-be-family, not even injuring a member from any other family.

And for some reason, someone decided they were going to play god with my life, they call me the lucky one, to have survived but ever since I have wanted to be with them, well I'll get my wish soon enough. No I am not suicidal before you even think that, nor do I have an axe-murdering psychopath stalking me. The next big thing about me, I'm dying, I have been since I was eleven years old. The doctors say it is a miracle I have lived this long and I am not going to make it to my sixteenth birthday, ten months they say. When my sister and I were born we were to months early, they said one of us wouldn't live and it seemed as if it was Layla would be the one to die and I would live, she was born dead you see and they brought her back to life. But then when we got older I got weaker, paler.

She thrived and got stronger, rosy red cheeks and a killer smile. I miss her, more than I miss my parents, I know I shouldn't say that but we were the same, we were together 24/7 no matter what. If I had a nightmare I would climb into her bed and tell her about it, she would nod along and stroke my hair and tell me to go back to sleep, that it couldn't hurt me while she was here. It was easier to cope with when I had them with me to help me through it, bit now I have no one to help me. I have to do this alone. In ten months I will die from pancreatic cancer. There are no known cases of pancreatic cancer in people my age so the doctors were sketchy at first but three weeks and several different examinations and tests later I was fully diagnosed with it. Now it is a part of me, I have lived with it for so long that I can't remember what it is like to wake up in the morning and no have to grasp my abdomen in pain and run to the bathroom to get my pills or throw up, whichever happens first.

With no one here to help me through it I want it over with. The doctors told me I was lucky to be living any longer at all but I just couldn't be enthusiastic about having ten more months of pain. I can't even look in a mirror without knowing I am ill, there is no way to pretend. When my family were alive, we kept it a secret from the school and my friends but with no family and nowhere to go but school I ended up going in on bad days and having spells of pain that lead me to telling my learning manager. Then I had to tell my friends and then my learning manager told all of my teachers who didn't bother to be discreet when asking me in the middle of a lesson how I was feeling and if I had my results from the hospital. And they wondered why I stood up, turned over my desk and walked out.

Since my family were killed I have become a bit of a problem child, I hate myself for it, I hurt my friends even though I still love them and I need them. I stopped caring, I figure what was the worst they could do, give me a detention or exclude me for a few days. They can't exactly kick me out, my grades are still perfect and they are my guardians for now. I live on a farm that has been transformed into a children's home, if I make it to sixteen I will either go into a hospice to die or be transferred to the half-way house five minutes down the road. It is a pretty area though. I live in Blarghour, Scotland. Right in the middle of a 25 mile long single track dirt road. I love it here so much. Whenever I am upset or angry or feeling any type of heightened emotion I just go for a walk, climb a tree and sit in it or something just to get away for a while. I haven't hit anyone since three days after my family was killed, I lost the willpower. I was in drama class when a girl I have always hated - Autumn - came up to me and sneered at me. She is, always has been and always will be a chav. She walked around me laughing and pulled a piece of my hair at the back. She always like to torment Layla and me but the difference is, Layla fights back - fought back.

"Where's your sister? Haven't seen her in a while. I almost can't remember her greasy orange hair, her pig ugly freckles but there is no way I could forget her fat stomach, she has to turn sideways when she walks in a door." Autumn and her little gang of chavs cackled at this but it was all it took for me to reply. I took a deep breath and gritted my teeth.
"Layla is dead, along with every other member of my family."
Autumn just laughed at this and pulled a pouty face at me, "are we feeling a little bit sorry for ourselves Fawny?" the girls laughed again. I turned to leave but Autumn hadn't finished yet. "It's a good thing really you know, saves me job. Whoever did this has my respect, clearing the earth of scum."

I wheeled around and grabbed Autumn by the collar, finding some type of strength inside me, I pinned her against the wall and drew a small flick knife out of my blazer pocket. Autumn screamed and I flicked the knife away and punched her in the face, again and again. "You. Don't. Talk. About. my. Family. Like. That. Ever. Again." She was bleeding pretty badly by the time some boys from our class pulled me off her. Autumn wasn't popular with anyone apart from the chavs so the class had rather enjoyed the first punch but when it became apparent that I wasn't going to stop they panicked and hauled me off her. I had blood all over me and so did Autumn but by the time a teacher came, I had gone limp and the boys that had pulled me off Autumn were holding me upright. My learning manager was talking at me, I say at me because I wasn't listening, I was just staring ahead. She tried to get me to move but I was completely limp. I felt the world around me spin ninety degrees and someone was carrying me to the learning managers' office, waiting for Miss Gray to come and pick me up. I don't like hurting people, it seems I am better at hurting myself.

For three weeks I locked myself in my room and didn't see sunlight. I didn't eat but I drank a lot of water. Having an en suite bathroom I hadn't needed to go anywhere else, this didn't help my medical condition. I took to self-harming. It is still painful to remember now, I have the marks, stretching all across my body, most of them I did myself but one of them was done by my ex best friend. She was the only one I would let in to see me, she brought food but I never touched a scrap of it. She had to pay a price for being let in so I made her carve a pair of beautiful angels wings into my back. I screamed and screamed and the cuts bled and bled but I made her keep going until they were finished, I wouldn't let her back in again. Now they look ever stranger on my skin. I am paler than ever, it seemed the cancer was waiting until I knew how long I was going to live before it affected me any more.

My skin is so pale, it is translucent, you can see every vein in my body, every bone looks odd and sticks out. You can also see every muscle in my body, for a dying girl I have a lot of muscle. I have to exercise for at least one hour every day to keep my strength up. So I do Ballet and Swimming and Horse riding. These have built up the muscle in me quite a lot. My freckles look odd against the whiteness of my skin and my fiery red hair and my blue eyes. They're the one thing that haven't changed because of the cancer, they are the same, big, almond shaped, endless blue eyes I have had since the day I was born. They're the thing everyone notices. That is all I have to tell you for now. This is going to be a diary of the last year of my life. I think I am the only one in the house now, I am the oldest and everyone else is still at school, Miss Gray is out shopping and the farm boy is taking care of the lambs. I think I am going to get a slice of toast and fill the baby bottles with milk so that I can go and feed them - the lambs not the slices of toast or the farm boy.
Blessed Be.

9:00pm,
In my room ... again.
Hey, I have had quite a good rest of the day. Though I have been sent to bed because I have dark circles under my eyes. I tried to tell Miss Gray that I always have dark circles under my eyes because I am ill but she just used that to fuel her argument. She said ill children need sleep and sent me away. I also tried to tell her that I am not a child but she gave me one of her special glares, I think she saves them just for me. Don't get me wrong, I love her and she has been nothing but nice to me; most of the time she does know best but she isn't my mummy and she never will be. The triplets were fighting at dinner anyway so I needed to get a shower, I was covered in spaghetti hoops by the time they were done. So after I left you I went and got some toast because I wanted some and I filled two cups with juice and I filled the baby bottles with milk for the lambs.

I took it all down to the pens where we keep the lambs that have been abandoned by their mothers. I should live in one of those pens really. No, my mother didn't abandon me she had no choice. Anyway I walked in, just managing to kick the door open with my foot. And found the farm boy, I think he is on one of my classes at school. Well used to be, I was too much for school so I dropped out, Miss Gray didn't mind, she's trying to get me to go back but I won't. I like doing school here. Apparently he doesn't go to school anymore wither, he is being taught at his home, ten minutes up into the hills in a car, about forty minutes to walk. His name is Caelan, he took a drink and said thank you when I put the tray down. Well the conversation went like this:

"Hi, I brought drinks for us and the lambs." I thought I was very brave to start a conversation with this boy, he was obviously raised by wolves in the wilderness.
"Hey, thank you, I could use a drink and it saves me a trip back up to the house." He took a drink and sat down with his back against a hay bale, a newborn lamb in his arms.
"Awwwww, he's gorgeous! How could a mummy sheep abandon such a cutie?" I squealed stroking the lambs fluffy coat.
"I don't know, want to help me name him? My name's Caelan by the way." He handed me the lamb and took a long drink from his cup before taking down one of the bottles of milk and offering it to the lamb who drunk hungrily.
"OK, how about-"
"I swear if you say fluffles I will die."
"Alright ignore that one then." I reached up blindly and found a piece of toast, as I started to munch on my yummy piece of toast I noticed Caelan looking at me with a bemused expression on his face.

"What?" I said swallowing my toast, "it's nice, want some?" I held the plate out to him and he shrugged and took a piece. Then we fed all the lambs and took some food down to the sheep and swept the stable up. When we were finished I realized why Caelan was covered in sweat every time I saw him around the farm. I wiped my forehead and invited him back into the house for a drink. We were still sat at the table talking when Miss Gray trudged through with all the children behind her and announced that it was time for dinner. I wanted Caelan to stay for dinner but Miss Gray said he couldn't tonight, that tonight was 'family' night, he said he had to go anyway, that his mum would be waiting for him and probably worrying considering he was over two hours later home than he would usually be.

So I said goodnight and walked to the end of the road with him. When I got back dinner was ready and the triplets bathed everyone in spaghetti hoops. I didn't mind much, it wasn't the first time they had and it wasn't the most disgusting food they had thrown at us either. The triplets are three years old, two boys and one girl. Lee, Jamie and Katie, they solve everything by fighting; using food as their weapons.
So now I have been in the shower and shut my room door for the night, I am going to read until someone bothers to notice I am not asleep and tells Miss Gray, she'll then come in and tell me to go sleep and turn off the power so that I can't read anymore ... thank the goddess she doesn't know I have a torch. Night.
Blessed Be.

Friday June 3rd 2011
8:00 am
In the kitchen, making toast
Morning! I eat a lot of toast don't I? I am in a good mood today so I have decided to tell you about the children's home. It isn't that big, there are thirteen children here including me. I am the oldest. Well, here's a list of the others, in age order, oldest to youngest:

I. Hayley - age 13 - no siblings
II. Ryan - age 12 - one younger sister
III. Maisy - age 10 - Ryan's sister
IV. Gina - age 10 - no siblings
V. Troy - age 7 - one twin brother
VI. Dan - age 7 - Troy's twin
VII. Celia - age 6 - no siblings
VIII. Nate - age 5 - no siblings
IX. Katie - age 3 - triplet
X. Lee - age 3 - triplet
XI. Jamie - age 3 - triplet
XII. William - age 1 - no siblings.

They're alright, it's just the triplets that annoy everyone, as you can probably tell from yesterday's performance at dinner. I am also going to tell you the list of things I am determined to do before I die. There are quite a few, there were a lot more but I have had to shorten the list as my time got shorter so here's what is left:
Go to prom and spend time with my friends, to let them know I still love them.
Have my first kiss - I know, it's sad, I'm fifteen and I haven't kissed a boy yet.
Say goodbye to my family, properly say goodbye.
Travel to as many places as I can.
Pass my exams.
Tell my friends I am sorry.
Get my first boyfriend.
Get a book published.

For any normal person there would be things like having a future but since I don't have a future I am not bothering to put that down. I would love to have a baby but I am not going to live to be old enough to have one. Well, who knows what will happen today, I have just seen Caelan walk past the window, I might go bother him again today. It was fun and the time went by fast. I should probably fit some exam revision in there somewhere as well though. Talk to you later! Well I won't, I'll write in you later, dear goddess I'm talking to a book.
Blessed Be

12:00 pm
In the stable with Caelan
Hay, there is hay everywhere, I have the strangest feeling that I will be finding hay in my hair for days. Caelan is looking over my shoulder right now and watching me write this. We are having a conversation, well we were but I zoned out half way through it.
Yes, that was very rude of you - Caelan
Stop being such a drama queen - me
Hi weird people who read Fawn's journal - Caelan
No one reads my journal - me
Then why are you writing in it? - Caelan
The journal is my friend, I want people to read after I'm dead - me
They're gonna be waiting a while then aren't they, I don't think you'll fit a lifetime's worth of days in this little book. - Caelan
You would think so, they aren't going to have to wait that long actually - me
What are you talking- writing about? - Caelan
I'm dying - me
... - Caelan
Caelan has stopped writing and is staring at me open-mouthed, it didn't occur to me that he didn't know this little fact about me. Well he knows now. He is kind of spluttering at me, I need to handle this right now, I'll tell you what happened later.
Blessed Be.

5:30 pm
Hiding you away in my room.
Those horrid triplets are trying to get their spaghetti hands on you so I am hiding you until I write in properly later. I thought you would appreciate knowing that I am going up to Caelan's house for dinner and so that his family can meet his new girlfriend! I love saying that and writing it down,
Get my first boyfriend
I'll fill you in when I get back!
Blessed Be.

9:30pm
Sneaking through the window, an hour and a half after curfew.
Dear goddess, I have just had the best day ever. I have a Boyfriend!!! Wow, it still feels good to say that. After the notes from both of us I had to explain about what had happened to me since I was born, concerning my medical situation and how I ended up in the children's home, he nodded all the way through it and was so understanding, he asked if I were alright, how I coped and other questions about it. He also cuddled me while I cried about my family. No matter how hard I try, whenever I mention them I cry. Then the lamb - which we still haven't named - baaaaa'd at us and made us jump, then laugh and while we were laughing everything got better and he took all the information in. It felt so good to tell someone who didn't patronize me or leave of start being worried about everything.

He just kept on treating me like a normal person, which I am. Then I told him about my wish-list, all of things I really want to do before I die so he told me he could sort two of them out. He kissed me. It was amazing, he was so gentle with me, he cupped one side of my face and held my other hand, his lips were soft and mine morphed around them. I closed my eyes and savored the bliss of it all. It made me go all tingly and giggly for a while. When he finally pulled away - I didn't want him to - he didn't let go of my hand. Then he asked me if I wanted to go out with him. I tried to be calm and cool and just say yes please. But it came out as a bit of a gurgle and he laughed at me so I kissed his cheek to tell him I meant yes.
Get my first boyfriend
Have my first kiss

Have I mentioned how gorgeous he is? I don't care, I'm going to again. He is amazing, from doing all the work on the farm her has a lot of muscles and they are amazing, he has gorgeous green eyes and floppy, sandy colored hair. He has soft, pink lips and he smells amazing too. He smells kind of minty and a little bit like mowed grass - probably from working on the farm - he also smells warm and solid and comforting. I don't know how he smells like that, he just does OK? So I ran in to hide you just before dinner and told Miss Gray I was going to Caelan's house for tea. She said his mother probably didn't want the fuss and she didn't know why I wanted to go because he was only the farm boy. So I told her he was my boyfriend ... she dropped the plate she was holding and went through 6 shades of pink before managing to tell me I couldn't go.

I just kissed her on the cheek and skipped out, I think she must have recovered her voice then because she called after me that I needed to be back for eight because it was a school night and I'd wake the little ones if I came in any later than that. I'm guessing she still hasn't figured out that they play their DS's until about midnight every day. Caelan had rung his mum to ask if I could come up, from the sound of things she wanted to know why just as much as Miss Gray had so he told her he wanted to introduce his new girlfriend to the family. She was happy though unlike Miss Gray, Miss Gray has a history of scaring off boyfriends of the girls' who have stayed at the home. So she said of course I could come up and shouted up the stairs to whoever was there to get ready. It took us a long time to walk up the hill but we managed, holding hands all the way, when we got to the top I saw his house, it is lovely, only quite small but really homely and cute. His mum was at the door waiting for us.

"Should've rung your dad, he could have picked you up on his way home from work and driven you up the hill. The poor girl looks shattered." She took my jacket and led me to the sitting area, where there were two little boys and a baby girl playing on the floor and Caelan's dad looking slightly harassed sat in the armchair watching them. It was really awkward at first, when the three children saw Caelan they rushed for him, he embraced them lovingly and steered me further into the room, they followed behind obediently. Caelan pointed at me and said "This is Fawn, she's lovely, go and say hello." Suddenly I was the focus of their attention. I smiles shyly and waved and little, daring to say hello. The tow boys took one of my hands each and sat me down on the sofa opposite the armchair, Caelan picked up the little girl and sat her on my knee, sitting next to me himself. I bobbed the baby on my knee for a while, like I do to William if he comes to sit with me.

The two boys sat on the floor in front of me and plowed me with questions, I managed to get one question in for them while they got drinks. I asked them their names, they are called Jordan and Ben and the little girl is called Charlotte. Caelan's dad didn't say anything, he just stared and he wasn't trying to hide the fact that he was staring either, I smiled at him but he just kept staring. Caelan whispered to me that his dad tries to figure people out before he talks to them and sometimes he stares. Everything got less tense through dinner, with us all eating, casual conversation flowed and Caelan's dad stopped staring and started talking, I got to know a lot about them and they found out about me. They told me stories about Caelan when he was little, just to embarrass him a little but I told him I thought they were cute anyway so he let them.

I didn't tell them about the cancer though, I couldn't bear to ruin the evening so I had to excuse myself twice while I was there to take a pill because my abdomen was hurting and I knew I would faint if I didn't. I gave Caelan the task of telling his family about the cancer tonight while I wasn't there just so that they knew. Caelan's dad drove me back down in their car, with Caelan in the back with me, Caelan kissed me again after we got out, his dad had to honk the car horn to get us to break apart. I am sure I saw Miss Gray's angry face in her room window when she saw us. I waved them off because I didn't want them to see me climb back in through my bedroom window. I'll deal with Miss Gray in the morning, what I do in my life isn't her business anyway, that'll be a good argument to use against her. Now I am going to daydream about Caelan for a while and then - hopefully - dream about him when I go to sleep.
Blessed Be.