The Dark or The Light? (Chapter 3)

Chapter 3.
I felt two arms lifting me up. My eyes fluttered open to see Mark. I realized where I was then. I guess I fell asleep on the steps. Mark looked down at me.

"Can you let me down now. I think I can walk."
"Sure. Sorry I just saw you sleeping and I thought that I would…well…you know." He said whilst putting me down. I could see he was nervous. I didn’t know why though.
"It’s okay. Thanks for the thought anyway." I walked up the stairs to my room but I surprisingly didn’t feel like sleeping. I decided to run myself a bath. I stripped down and got in. It was steaming hot and the water pricked at my skin making it sting but it didn’t matter. I wanted it to. I wanted to feel something other than what I have been feeling. I heard a knock on the door.

"Izzy. Its mum. Can I come in please?"
"Sure." I said. I brought my knees to my chest. The door opened slowly. I saw my mother was dressed.
"Good morning."
"Hey." I didn’t feel like saying good morning because it wasn’t exactly good.
"So…Jeremiah told me about last night."
"Oh."
"He didn’t tell me what you said. Doctor, patient privacy and all that but he told me that you talked to him."
"Okay." She stood there expecting me to say something. "What?"
"Nothing…nothing. I just thought that maybe you would like to talk to me about it?"
"There’s nothing to say." I know that I should tell her what I’m feeling but I just don’t know how too. She is my mother and what ever I say she will sugar coat it. She will tell me that it wasn’t my fault and that I can’t control it. She’ll tell me that it will all be okay and the truth is I don’t want it sugar coated. I wanted the truth. I wanted someone to tell me what I needed to hear. That is won’t be okay but I will get through it. I needed some form of truth because I am sick of people lying to me. Like Lucus did. If only he would have told me…
"Okay then." My mother said. A frown set on her face. "I’ll be downstairs. Are you coming down for breakfast?" I nodded my head.

She kissed my forehead then walked out of the room. I lied back in the tub. I slipped, slowly under the water. I feel so free under it. There are no problems under there. Everything is just free to move around. Have you ever been to an aquarium and watched the penguin swim. To me it doesn’t look like swimming to me it looks like they are moving freely, almost dancing. Nowhere to go or place to be. No problems to deal with. They just dance. It sounds stupid I know but it’s just how they look to me. I come back up for air. That was always the downside of swimming. You would always have to come back up. I had a sudden craving for food. I slowly and unwillingly got out of the tub. I grabbed the nearest towel and wrapped it tightly around myself. I walk into the room and find that my suitcase is gone. I find it in the closet. All my clothes neatly put away. Wow. The help works quickly. I grab a plain black t-shirt and short denim shorts. I through on my white chucks and let my hair hang down to my waist. I walked down the stairs to the dining room. Everyone was there. I walked over and sat next to my mother.

"Good morning Isabell." My grandmother said. She had a small smile on her lips. I never noticed before but she looked exactly like my mother. She had a natural beauty. She was fifty-four but she looked much younger. She had bright brown eyes like my mother and dark brown hair like her as well. She had a slender figure with the right amount of curves. Mayfield didn’t look like most ladies her age, and with her money. She didn’t look stuck up or snobby but I haven’t decided whether she was nice or not because she did through my mother out.
"Morning. Mrs.Olane." I wasn’t sure if the whole grandmother, grandfather terms were ready to be used yet. Although her face fell when I used it. I sat down at my seat and picked up a Danish. They were my favorite. I looked up to see Jeremiah smiling at me.
"So you like Danishes?"
"Yeah. Blueberry is my favorite."
"Mine to." He winked at me. I looked over at Mark who was staring at me. When I caught him he looked away. Blushing a deep red. I quickly looked at my mother whose head was down. Although I didn’t need to see her face to know she was sad. We all continued to eat in silence. Every so often I would look up to see Mark looking at me. Only to have him look down. Once we had finished Jeremiah decided to speak.

"I think we should start our first session today. How do you feel like going for a walk Isabell." He asked me.
"Um…"
"Remember about my rule. You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to."
"A walk sounds good."
"Good. We should be back in time for lunch. Thank you for breakfast Mr and Mrs Olane."
"Your welcome Jeremiah." Mrs. Olane said.
"I’ll see you soon." I said to mum. She looked up and kissed me on the forehead.
"Take your time." I nodded my head and we got up from the table.
"See you Isabell" Mark said.
"Bi Mark."

I walked around the table to meet Jeremiah at the door the opened up to the backyard. There was endless land for acres then it eventually joined with the forest. It was a beautiful sunny day. Once again, I wish I could admire it. Jeremiah and I started to walk along the grass. Not saying a word. I didn’t mind it actually but I would prefer to talk. A few minutes later Jeremiah decided to break the silence.

"How are you doing Isabell?"
"Fine."
"No. I mean tell me how you are doing."
"I just did. I’m fine."
"Okay, this is when I introduce my second rule. I do not accept place holder as answers."
"Place holders?"
"Yeah. You see saying ‘I’m fine’ is just a placeholder for what you really want to say. When I ask you something you can either choose not to answer but if you do decide to answer, you answer truthfully. There are no place holders." Okay that’s weird but I guess he has a point. "So I’m going to ask you again. How are you doing?" I hesitated.
"I don’t know." It was merely a whisper.
"Isabell. You know how I said I won’t force you to do anything, I meant it but if you won’t talk to me then I can’t help you."
"I know."
"Then say something. Tell me anything you would like. It doesn’t have to be about Lucus or what happened. It could be about cereal for all I care but tell me something." I was thinking, well contemplating actually. Whether or not I would talk about him or something stupid like cereal. Ten minutes later I finally decided.
"His mum died of cancer about a year and a half ago. He took it hard. I mean he wouldn’t get out of bed, wouldn’t eat. We didn’t know what to do. His dad would sometimes leave unexpectedly and wouldn’t come back for weeks at a time. And when he did he was drunk. I would spend almost every day and night over there, looking after him. I was the only one he would talk to about it."
"What did he talk about?"
"Everything and anything except her. I tried to get him to talk about it but he would always go…crazy. He would scream and yell, saying he didn’t want to talk about it." I felt the tears spill over my eyes remembering those days.
"That must have been so hard on you."
"It was. Some days I just didn’t want to go over there. Some days I just wished that I didn’t know him and I would always hate myself for it. I wanted to help him, I did, but sometimes I would just want to let someone else do it. Is that bad?"
"No of course not Izzy. You were fifteen and no fifteen-year old should go through that. He should have got professional help."
"We tried that but he refused then he accused us of not being good enough friends. It broke my heart."
"But he obviously got better."
"I don’t know. One day he was just better. He went to school laughed, joked. Like nothing ever happened. But we could still see it. The brokenness in his eyes. I guess we had seen it so long that we got used to it."
"Izzy you can’t blame this on yourself. Lucus should have gotten professional help and because he didn’t-"
"He ended up killing himself?" I said cutting him off.
"That’s not what I was going to say."
"Yes you were and you’re right. We should have gotten him help but we didn’t want to push him. You didn’t see him Jeremiah. You didn’t know him and the funny thing is that I didn’t either."
"Izzy…do you think that he did this to himself because of his mothers death."
"Honestly I don’t know. And that is what has been killing me for the past two months. I want to know why he did it! Why he did that to me!"
"Okay you need to listen to something that I’m going to say. I need you to remember it.

People will always do something that will affect another human being with out them knowing it or realizing it. From what you told me, it sounds like Lucus was so consumed by his darkness that he failed to see you and your friends’ love for him. He didn’t do this to target you or to get back at you. He did this because he was sad and he didn’t have the strength to fight through it."
"How could he do that though."
"You know if you look closer you might see that he isn’t the only one who is doing it." I thought about it for a minute.
"Me. Are you talking about me?"
"Yes. Do you even see your mother Izzy? I mean she had to call your grandparents for help and you don’t even talk to her."
"I’m trying okay. I’m talking to you aren’t I?"
"Izzy, I’m not saying you aren’t trying. I am trying to prove my point. Your mother is hurting because you’re hurting. You want to get better which makes your mother get better. One person’s actions or feelings always reflects another person’s actions or feelings."
"I thought you were supposed to make pain go away not add to it."
"Izzy I’m not here to make you feel better, I mean I am but that’s only part of it. I’m also here to get you back on the right path but I can only do that if I tell you the truth. I can tell you how to get there but you have to decide which path to follow." We were sitting down now. It had fallen silent again. I suddenly hated the quiet.
"I used to be fun you know."
"I’m sure you were."
"Before I meet Lucus, I was quiet, shy, scared. Pretty much a geek. Then I meet him. He pulled me out of my shyness. I discovered a side of me that wasn’t afraid to try new things or talk to people. I don’t want to be like this anymore. I want to be loud and fun. I want to take risks."
"Okay. Are you sure?"
"Yeah. I want be better."
"Isabell you need to know that you aren’t going to feel better straight away because you want to be or try to be. It will be long and you are going to have days where you feel bad, sometimes you will feel horrible but those days you just have to take. Okay?"
"Okay."
"Okay I am going to give you your first assignment. You are not allowed to use placeholders and you have to talk more."
"Okay."
"Good, We should probably get back now. Its almost lunch." I looked down at my watch and sure enough it said 11.45 am. We walked back towards the house. It took us at least thirty minutes to get back. We didn’t even realise we had walked that far. When we came back there was two trays of food on the table outside. We guessed that it was for us. There were sandwiches and lemonade. It actually tasted really good. When I had finished I realized a letter on the table. I opened it.

"What does it say?" Jeremiah asked.
"My grandmother wants me to meet her in the painting room when were finished. She wants to talk to me."
"Oh. Why the painting room?"
"I used to paint."
"Really?"
"Yeah. I loved it but I stopped when…Lucus." He nodded his head. I got up slowly. "I forgot to ask. Why is you and your brother here."
"Your grandparents thought it would be good if I was here all the time in case you like break down or something. Oh and my brother is like interested in your grandfathers companies. Apparently he likes accounting." AH accounting that’s right. I knew it was something like that.
"Oh okay." I started to make my way to the painting room. After several failed attempts at finding it I finally got there. They should really downsize their home. For two people to live here is ridiculous. I knocked on the door.
"Come in." I heard a voice call. I walked into the room. It was actually quiet smaller than the rest. It was cosy. I like it. I looked around at all the paint boards, paints and paintings. I saw my grandmother sitting on a stool in front of a paint board.
"You wanted to see me Mrs.Olane?" She turned to face me and she looked hurt.
"Come in and sit. I wanted to talk to you."
"About what?" I asked while walking over to her. I took the stool next to her.
"You very beautiful. You look exactly like your mother."
"Um…thanks."
"Can I ask you something Isabell?"
"Sure."
"Why do you call me Mrs.Olane."
"Um…isn’t that your name?"
"Yes…but…well I just thought that you would call me gra-…never mind."
"Can I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"Why did you kick my mother out?" I saw her freeze.
"It was…complicated."
"No it wasn’t. She was pregnant and you kicked her out. I honestly don’t find that complicated."
"Isabell this isn’t a discussion that I need to have with you. This is one between your mother and I."
"Actually, since I was the reason you kicked her out I would say that it is a discussion we need to have." She didn’t say anything so I continued. "You could have at least called. Written to me. Something, anything." When she didn’t say anything I got up. I began to walk towards the door.
"We did try to contact you." I froze. "We hired a private investigator to find you and when we did you mother told us that she didn’t want you to know us. She told us that she would send pictures but that’s all we would get. You have no idea how much it hurt us not to be able to see you. We even sent her money to help but she always sent it back."
"My mother kept me from you?" It was barely a whisper.
"Please Isabell. Don’t blame her. She had every right to. We kicked her out. We disowned her and we knew that it was to late. If you have anyone to blame it is us. When your mother called us asking for our help we couldn’t wait to see you even if it is under the circumstances. I hope that you will be able to forgive us."

I couldn’t take it anymore. I ran out of there as quickly as possible. I could feel the tears streaming down my face. How could she do that. My own grandparents. She didn’t have any right to keep them from me. She even lied about the phone call she had made to them. It was yelling or screaming or even hard to get them to agree. I ran into my room as quickly impossible. I slammed the door, kicked off my shoes and climbed into the bed. I threw the covers over my head and started to cry. Soon I fell asleep. Consumed by the darkness that wasn’t only inside me but around me. Jeremiah said I will have days that will hurt but I didn’t need this. Not today. I needed to feel something other than pain.
I woke to the sound of my name being called.

"Isabell. Wake up. Its Mark." I pulled the covers over my head and sure enough there was Mark.
"What time is it?"
"Its three-thirty in the morning."
"What? Don’t you even sleep?" He rolled his eyes.
"I want to show you something."
"What?"
"Well if you come with me I’ll show you." He put out his hand. I hesitated but thought why not. I grabbed his hand. He pulled me out of bed.
"Get dressed and meet us out the back. You have five minutes." And with that he left. I decided to wear a pair of short black shorts and a long sleeved white shirt. I grabbed my white chucks and made my way downstairs to what was awaiting me.