The Boss

The old boss laughed as he read the memo that was passed down from corporate. Apparently he was going to have to fire someone today. Oh, how he enjoyed firing his employees. That horrified look that those pathetic drones get on their face when they discover that he intended to make them completely and utterly jobless was priceless. Then, the way they accepted the inevitable and hopelessly trudged out of his office to go clean their inferior possessions out of their desks was enough to make him want to sing with glee. Yes, terminating his workers was something that the old boss loved to do. It was one of the reasons he still came to work in the morning.

As the old boss looked at the memo, informing him of which sad and useless individual he was required to let go, he had a brilliant idea. An idea that made him almost laugh out loud. He realized he had also achieved a massive erection. Yes, this was going to be quite entertaining. He rose from his desk, put his pants back on, and walked towards the door of his office.

Like everyday, it was a slow and horrible day in the office. The employees were hard at work. Their old boss demanded that they work as hard as they possibly could at all times. Productivity was up, but morale was almost non-existent. Their employer had ruthlessly taken away their breaks, cut their lunch time by over 70 percent, removed the water cooler, boarded up the kitchen and the break room, and to use the restroom, an employee had to first go to the boss’ office and plead for the bathroom key, which wasn’t given out most of the time. On one occasion, the old boss had refused to let any of the employees leave until 4:30 in the morning because he had found a candy wrapper in one of the trash cans. He was a strict and nasty man who constantly micromanaged everyone under him and frequently tried to find ways to harass and antagonize his poor employees.

With an alarming yell, he burst out of his office with a huge smile spread across his fat face. Several employees jumped and a few cringed in horror.
"Greetings you horrible, over-paid beasts!" the boss yelled viciously. "None of you are working anywhere near hard enough!!"
There was dead silence in the office..
"You are all inferior to me in every way!" the old boss roared, his face shiny with sweat and grease. "But that’s not why I came out here today. As many of you know, I despise coming out here and being bothered with your pathetic problems, but today there is something that needs to be brought to your attention!"
The office remained silent..
"Due to your terrible and nausea-inducing performance, a person from this office is to be fired!" the boss said with a belch. "However, unfortunately for you, I’m not going to tell you who it is."
There were gasps all over the room.
"Also, on a different, more cheerful note, starting Monday, I will be paying you all in work-bucks! This new, more efficient money technically holds no monetary or dollar value and cannot be exchanged for goods and services at outside stores or banks, but it can be used at the company store to buy bread, milk, eggs, thread, baking powder, and a limited selection of generic personal hygiene items. In addition to that, you will be working through lunch today. That is all." And with a chuckle, he turned on his heel and walked briskly back into his office, the door slamming loudly.

The old boss pushed his chair closer to the window so he could see what was happening out in the main office area. He took off his shoes, slid out of his slacks, and sat down to enjoy the show.

The office was in an uproar. How could this horrible man do something so thoughtless and irresponsible as to fire someone and then not disclose who was to be fired? The employees were devastated. Many profanities were being muttered from all over the room, mostly directed at the old boss and his leadership techniques. The old boss burst from the office once again and blurted in a menacing voice, "You will also be working through Christmas this year! Now back to work fools!!" Then, once again, he disappeared into his personal office. A woman started to sob bitterly, followed by two more women across the room. A young man slammed his fist onto his desk, yelled a profanity, grabbed his briefcase and stormed toward the door to leave. Reaching the exit, he quickly realized that it was locked and the key was nowhere to be found so he returned to his seat and pulled out a bottle of vodka and a shot glass. The smell of fresh feces fills the air around a robust man with glasses. Embarrassed, he put his face into his hands and wept uncontrollably. An older gentleman holding a clipboard fainted and crashed horrifically onto a copy machine. The old boss watched through his window, amused.

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Lunch time was supposed to be half an hour ago. The employees were hardly able to focus on their work. The horrible news the boss delivered to them earlier that morning was still sitting in their minds, eating away at them like a horrible parasite. One of them was out of a job.. but who?? The suspense was unimaginable. The office was in disarray. Laughing hysterically, a small man in the back of the room hungrily munched on pencil shavings. Another gnawed ravenously on his leather wallet. A young woman was laying under her desk in the fetal position, babbling incoherently into her stapler, while another watched, sipping a liquid that looked suspiciously like urine from her coffee mug. A middle-aged man with a neatly trimmed mustache lay spread-eagle, naked on top of his desk. He had drawn a crude picture of a gun onto his bare chest with a black sharpie marker. From behind the blinds of his office window, the old boss chuckled quietly to himself. He had to pee very badly, but he dared not venture out into the main office. Once again, he chuckled and then reached for an empty gatorade bottle on his desk.

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It was almost quitting time for the day and still, the boss had not come out of his office to tell the employees which one of them was to be fired. The employees were starving, disoriented, and half-insane. A few of them ran about the office, rearranging furniture and shuffling papers purposelessly. Several employees had long since passed out from anxiety and their fellow workers had robbed each and every one of them of every penny, button, filling, or piece of jewelry that the unconscious person had. A tall man suddenly stood up and screamed something unrecognizable and dashed across the room where he collided with the wall and crumpled to the floor. Somewhere in the office a fire was burning in a trashcan, sending smoke billowing up to the ceiling and surrounding the smoke detectors, which apparently didn’t work at all. One man had beaten another man to the ground and was now slamming his head in the copy machine. Copy after copy of the beaten man’s face drifted to the floor. Yet another man, sat weeping in the corner, punching himself repeatedly in the face, an open whiskey bottle beside him. Everywhere, there were people weeping uncontrollably, gnashing their teeth, and shaking their fists at the sky. Every few minutes, some devastated employee would ruthlessly assault another employee with some piece of office equipment or furniture. Many of the employees were covered in blood, their faces bruised and battered, and the floor was a mess of fecal matter, urine, blood, shreds of paper, tears, and a few teeth here and there. The room smelled so bad that it was a chore even to breathe.

The old boss stood up and put his pants and shoes back on. What an entertaining day it had been. With a smile and a hearty laugh, he opened his window and stepped out onto the fire escape, shutting the window behind him. He carefully climbed down the ladder and when he was safely on the ground, he walked briskly to his car and got in. As he drove away from the building, he thought he heard an explosion coming from the inside of the office, followed by terrible shrieks and screams. "I should’ve told them that it was ME who was fired today," the old boss thought to himself. "On second thought.. Na…." the old boss said aloud. He grinned and lit up a tasty Winston ultra light as he pulled into his driveway. He was going to sleep good tonight.