Terry's Twisted Humor #1

The other day, I saw an article about ventriloquism on CNN's website. The article was entitled, "People Who Love to Let Dummies Speak for Them." Personally, I believe we all love to let dummies speak for us. That's why we elect representatives to Congress!

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The worst thing about being a kid is that everyone treats you like a kid!

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I know a guy who once canceled his Sam's Club membership because the members never called any meetings. He had previously quit his membership in a book club for the same reason.

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A new judge has now been selected in the trial of Saddam Hussein: Judge Reinhold.

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I've heard an old saying that people ripen with age. Unfortunately, many people ripen so fast that they begin to stink by the time they reach middle age!

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When I was coming home from church a few weeks ago, I noticed that my pants felt a little looser in the waist. I thought perhaps I was losing some weight. When I got home, I discovered that a button had come loose and fallen off the waist band. So much for my weight-loss fantasy!

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The other day, a waiter asked me if I liked calamari. My response: "I don't know; I've never been there."

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In its television ads, a certain personal injury law firm in my area urges viewers to call its toll-free number "right now." I've often been tempted to call and then, when asked what I needed help with, reply, "nothing, I just called because the guy on your TV commercial told me to."

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Who the heck is Robert and who gave him the authority to make rules of order?

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A few years ago, one of the leading cat food producing companies was sponsoring a contest to find the world's cutest cat. The grand prize was $1 million and anyone could enter their cat. I didn't have a cat then (and don't have one now), but if I did, for that kind of money, I would have thrown my cat into the ring!

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A man who had owned a house with an in-ground swimming pool once told me following: "The second happiest day of my life was the day I bought a house with a swimming pool; the happiest day of my life was the day I sold it!"

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When you drop a small item on the floor and your eyes and hands can't find it, your feel eventually will.

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What's the difference between pro wrestling and a three-ring circus? Answer: Two rings!

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I'm constantly finding new ways to accidentally inflict physical pain on myself.

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Whenever someone tells me something like, ".....that's the way it is in my book", I respond by saying, "I haven't read your book, I'm waiting for the movie!"

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I'm always amazed when I see a car parallel-parked with its front bumper less than a half an inch from the back bumper of the car in front of it. I could never park a car that close to another one without hitting it. Then again, I don't have eyes that can protrude out of their sockets, over the hood of my car, and down my front bumper like some people must have!

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Now that Pluto has been eliminated as a planet from our solar system, they need to figure out a way to eliminate Neptune and leave Uranus bringing up the rear!

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Have you heard about Lucy Nation? Never mind, she doesn't really exist. Say her name several times real fast and you'll understand what I mean.

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I'm not an expert on geology. I guess that's why the U.S. Geological Survey has never called and asked for my opinion!

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What kind of underwear does the average lawyer wear? Answer: Legal briefs.

What kind of underwear does the average paralegal wear? Answer: Pretty much the same as a lawyer - a paralegal briefs.