Tears on Demand

Spurred on by Hillary Clinton’s surprise comeback in New Hampshire, an enterprising young woman in Washington DC has opened America’s first "Tears on Demand" salon; just off DuPont Circle. The lady sure knows how to pick her location. Outside of Hollywood, Washington probably has more failed actors than anywhere else in the US. Sure, most politicians have their personal handlers (euphemistically referred to as Chefs of Staff), but they are only good at teaching their wards how to smile confidently, give a cheery wave; and other happy stuff like that. No one knows how to fake sadness.

Not surprisingly, the salon is booked solid for the next month. Crying on tap is the current ‘big thing’ in the nation’s capital and everyone wants to cash in on the trend. For $100, clients get a basic one-hour glycerin session. Here, they are taught to hide liquid glycerin in a small hand sanitizer bottle, rub it on their hands at the appropriate moment and casually allow the tips of their fingers to brush their eyes. The only problem with this technique is that the tears don’t always stop exactly when you want them to; and that could get awkward.

For $250 (lunch not included), you can get a full day training session for producing the waterworks without artificial aids. The salon owner has cleverly recruited out-of-work soap opera actors to train clients in the art of faking it. Clients are taught the technique of slowly building up to the moment by thinking sad thoughts – like, will I have to go back to ambulance-chasing if I lose? The trick is to let the tears build up gradually, for maximum effect. Clients learn how to start off with a barely perceptible mist over the eyes; gradually culminating in a pendulous teardrop that hangs tantalizingly out of the corner of the eye, before running down the cheek. The visual and emotional impact of this performance cannot be overestimated.

The young entrepreneur is savvy enough to realize that her business will boom only until the next big thing comes along. So he hasn’t quit her day job just yet – merely taken a three-month leave of absence. I wish her luck. It is enterprising opportunity-grabbers like her that have made America the great country it is.

(PS: If you believed the above story, you’ll believe anything.)