Swimming Pool Snacks (Part 1)

I've always been an enormous fan of swimming. Whether it be in a pool, a lake, a river, or a sewage reservoir, I feel that there's nothing better than splashing about and submerging one's entire body in cool, liquidy goodness, especially on a hot midsummer's day.

Sadly, I was never allowed to swim as a child. My strict and horrible mother always enforced the "No swimming until thirty minutes after eating" rule and unfortunately, I was never permitted to possess or consume food in areas that had access to swimmable bodies of water, so I remained a hot and hungry young lad. Apparently my mother felt that having food near any type of body of water would summon forth the terrible beasts of the watery depths to terrorize and ultimately devour me... or at least that's what she always told me as she sat on a massive beach towel like some horrendous pasty whale, slathering her quivering flesh with sunblock lotion and cramming various salty treats into her gaping mouth. The hypocrisy of the situation escaped me until years later.

Nowadays, whenever I'm in an area suitable for swimming, and then even as I'm in the water, paddling about like some terrible beaver, I make sure I'm always gorging myself with whatever snacks I can get my hands on. I do this purely out of spite for my mother who robbed me of a massive chunk of my childhood that could've been spent indulging in swimtastic delights instead of sitting on the shore, being scoffed at by every swimmer at the venue, burning to a painful crisp, and scampering off every few minutes to fetch her more tasty snacks. Someday, maybe when she's old and senile, I will take her to a beach or pool of some type, and while I feast on a delicious palette of all manners of delights and dive voraciously into the water, she will be forced to sit, sunscreenless and starving, possibly tied to some type of post or tree so she is unable to slide her ghastly body into the shade or the water. Harsh? Yes. But fair.

Last Saturday, I found myself sitting in my dilapidated apartment in my tight briefs, a sweaty film covering my pale body. My living quarters felt like an oven and due to the fact that I'd destroyed my air conditioner by accidentally tearing the thermostat from the wall in a fit of blind rage, I was completely unable to better my heat-infected condition. All of my windows were down and I'd even turned on the cold water at the kitchen sink and bathtub in hopes that it might somehow provide a cooling effect on the apartment. It, however, did not. Just as I was about to give up on my situation and go find the nearest air conditioner shop, I suddenly remembered the community swimming pool just down the road and sprung from the couch with a joyful shout. My briefs clung wetly to my sweaty rump and I glanced down at the couch where I'd just been sitting. Due to my high alcohol consumption, I coat all of my furniture with plastic to protect it from stains. The dent where I'd been lazily seated was filled with a pool of yellow sweat. I heaved nauseously and let my sopping briefs fall to the floor. Then I trudged towards my bedroom to get into my swimming trunks.

I squinted up at the sky as I walked happily towards the fenced-in pool area down the street from me. I felt very fortunate to have an opportunity such as this. I was lucky to have the day off, partially because it was a Saturday, and partially because I was still entirely jobless, thus making every day a beautiful vacation day. I was dressed in my stylish swim trunks, which just happened to be a pair of very snug Speedos that I had sneakily lifted from the gym a few years back when I still had a membership. They were a bright green and showcased my shapely legs, as well as my manly bulge. Since they were so tight and no doubt meant for a large boy, I had encountered some serious resistance when I'd tried to cram all of my manliness inside. Even now, as I sauntered proudly down the walkway, a flap of skin from my testicular sack protruded from under the edge of the fabric on my right inner thigh. I stuffed it back in, only to have an entire testicle pop out the other side and flap lazily against my leg as I walked. I crammed it back in and glanced around to see if anyone had noticed. Nobody (except for a woman and her two small children who were leaving the pool area) did. In my hands, I carried a large grocery sack, stuffed with a large variety of snacks and treats to make my swim more enjoyable. Slung over my shoulder was a tattered orange bathrobe. I'm forced to use it in lieu of a towel due to the fact that I no longer own any. A few weeks earlier, I'd encountered a rather nasty toilet overflow in my restroom because of the fact that, instead of pricey toilet paper, I had temporarily switched to using scraps of fabric torn from my shirts. These scraps don't flush very well, especially when mixed with chunky fecal matter and the resulting overflow was enough to completely flood both my bathroom and the adjacent hallway with inches of brown, rancid, sewage. All of my towels had been used in the cleanup process and then disposed of with predjudice.

I entered the fenced-in pool area and chose a nice spot in the sun. I spread my bathrobe out onto the ground and plopped down upon it, placing my bag of treats down next to me. I surveyed the scene around me. The pool was rather crowded for a Saturday. At least ten children splashed about in the shallow end of the pool. As the depth of the pool increased, so did the age of the swimmers. I noted a teenaged couple making out in the area designated "5 ft". A few more people swam near them and there were somewhere around eight to ten people swimming in the deep end, including a few muscular college-aged boys who were tossing around a football.

I stood and strutted proudly towards the edge of the pool, placing one foot blatantly in front of the other in some type of runway walk. I knew that the eyes of many females were surely fixed on my powerful legs and manly chest. I even attempted to suck in my protruding gut but this only resulted in me belching and passing gas simultaneously and I felt the blood rush to my face. No matter though, as the putrid air rushed out of both ends of me with relative silence. I continued to strut towards the water's edge and when I reached it, I lowered my translucently pale body down into a sitting position, my legs dangling into the cool water. I noticed that many of the pool goers had become silent as they watched my every move. I felt like some famous celebrity, traipsing down the red carpet before a noteworthy award show of some type. I smiled warmly and splashed water on my legs with both hands. I was indeed enjoying the attention.

After sitting there for roughly fifteen minutes, smiling like a movie star and splashing water onto my legs and chest seductively, I decided to go back to my bathrobe and get something to eat before I took the plunge into the delicious looking water. After all, sitting there looking gorgeous was currently getting me nowhere. I hadn't been approached by any women at all and as a matter of fact, pool goers appeared to shy away from where I was sitting altogether, no doubt nervous and insecure about coming to talk to someone such as myself. I hopped up from my seated position at poolside and walked back to where my bathrobe and snack bag were waiting.