Surviving Marriage: Stop Arguing and Communicate

Lots of couples claim to be perfect for each other, and say they never fight about anything. Yeah, right. Although there are certainly couples who rarely argue about anything, there are also couples whose entire relationship seems to be just a string of fight after fight. Newlyweds who are still blissfully happy with their new station in life might have a quick squabble now and then, but after the newness settles down a bit, that’s when the disagreements might start to flare up. No matter how wonderful a marriage is, there will be a dispute of some sort now and then. The trick to making your marriage work is to find a way to communicate through the argument and come out of it even stronger than before.

Everyone has their own style of fighting, and some people actually enjoy the challenge. If your marriage is healthy and you and your partner is able to go a few rounds without any serious damage and still feel close and connected, then congratulations. If you feel like you might need some help in getting your personal fight club under control, then here are some useful suggestions.

Pick Your Battles
This tried and true saying really is a good foundation for getting control of a relationship where fights seem to crop up on a daily basis. Unless you actually do enjoy fighting with each other, then you should make a conscious effort to stop and think about a problem before opening your mouth to argue about it. Is it devastating that your spouse’s socks are lying on the floor beside the hamper instead of inside it? Will it be the end of the world if the dishes sit in the sink overnight? Issues that don’t matter in the grand scheme of things can be set aside. There’s no problem pointing out a problem in a civil manner, but don’t belabor the point.

Let Your Guard Down
The worst thing you can do while fighting with your spouse is to be so defensive and angry that you can’t listen and learn what made your partner angry in the first place. It might actually be a valid concern, or a mistake you actually did make - in which case, you should own up to it and admit your part of the argument. Apologizing or expressing regret for a mistake may seem like you’re capitulating, but you’re actually "taking the high ground" and being an adult. If your partner sees that you are listening and paying attention to the issue at hand, then you can discuss things in a civil manner without the argument turning into a battle.

Push the Pause Button
If a fight seems to be going on forever and getting nowhere, or especially if the debate continues to heat up rather than resolve, then you and your partner should agree to take a break and retreat to opposite corners for a while. Even just a minute or two can give you the pause you need to be able to calm down, gather your thoughts, reconnect, and pick up where you left off, but with a clearer and less emotional outlook.

Let a Smile be Your Grenade
Many arguments can be easily defused by someone finding the humor in the situation. And there is almost always humor to be found. Instead of hurling insults or critical barbs at your partner, stop for a moment and think of something amusing in the situation. If you can find something to laugh about, the humor will become the grenade that ends the battle.

If all else fails and your relationship seems to be based on a foundation of regular arguing, you may want to seek professional help or advice about how to turn things around and improve your communication. Unless, of course, you both enjoy the thrill of a good argument and the fights make your relationship stronger. In which case you should look into starting your own reality show - might as well let those arguments make you some money!