Steps of Grief

In the words of William Faulkner, "Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief."

Every cloud has a silver lining! But we must pass through a cloud to reach that silver lining. You can consider the cloud to be the phase wherein we walk the steps of grief, we go through the steps one by one, be miserable, be sad, cry a lot of tears, fight with God, fight with ourselves, but eventually, we do manage to come out of it, and the entire journey through the cloud adds to a new lesson among many, that life taught us! I agree to the fact that when one suffers in grief, there are phases, there are stages. But the division among them depends upon the reason behind the grief, every stage is different for different people and there is no particular format. But again, I also agree that everyone goes through the emotional trauma and can somewhat relate to the phases of grief, if not completely! Therefore, instead of dividing the grieving process into particular stages, I prefer calling it steps of grief that lead us to valuing the happiness in life!

Steps of Grief that One Goes Through

We never want things to go wrong or out of place, we never wish to lose people whom we love, we never wish to go through a crushing experience, but all of us do, don't we? Have you ever given it a thought as to how the perfect harmony in our life turns into a total dissonance? Here is what I think about it. The steps of grief begin from -

An Unexplained and Unhappy Intuition
This doesn't happen to everyone, but many times it so happens that we sense the difficult times coming near us. You can call it intuition, but at times we do get the feeling as if something worse is going to happen.

Facing the Shock with Denial for Acceptance!
Call it the result of the intuition or a sudden blow that came out of nowhere, facing the loss (be it due to death, divorce or anything else) is the hardest thing to do. At first, it's difficult to accept the fact that you have had suffered the loss. At times the shock is so sudden that your mind won't let you accept it and you deny it to yourself and to the world. You would want to pinch yourself so that the dream gets over, but then you realize that the pinching just adds to the pain!

An Immense Feeling of Pain, Guilt and Anger
Slowly and unwillingly, one realizes the loss. This creates an unbearable pain within, gives the feeling as if someone has kept a million pound heavy rock on your heart which you can't remove! It feels as if you have had a nervous breakdown, you feel angry and frustrated that there is nothing you can do to get the person back, nothing to make it all good. You develop a guilt within yourself, thinking, "I wish I would have done this, or I wish I would have done that"! I know at this stage it is very difficult to keep a hold on yourself, but try not to say anything rude or insensitive to anyone! There's a question whether a person would be able to consider your emotional condition or not, and if he isn't understanding enough, you may end up spoiling a relationship.

Bargaining in Every Possible Way
It's human to seek help of God (if one is religious) when things are out of our hands. One tends to make deals with God saying that if you make things like before, or if you give the person back to me, I will do this or I will do that! We are ready to sacrifice anything to get the person back during the bargaining phase. We blame God for being so cruel, we ask him why did he do this to us? We apologize and make all sorts of promises to him. It takes time for us to realize that there was a purpose behind our loss. In this stage either the person draws more near to God, or, stops believing in him.

The Horrible Phase of Depression
This phase of grief scares me the most! Depression is something which pulls you away from the world, pulls you away from yourself! All one wants in this stage is to be alone, away from everyone, away from light, away from anything that you have ever known. When one goes through the phases of grief, there are always well-wishers who are willing to help you in each and every possible way to overcome the loss. You would always hear statements like "we understand your loss but you have to be strong"! One has to be strong, agreed! But I don't think anyone can understand or feel the pain that lies within. There is so much you want to say, you want to shout, but all that you can show to the world, are your tears that never stop. At this stage try to stay away from drugs, alcohol, smoking etc or things that lead to self harm! These will not heal but make the wounds worse. I remember a quote by William Shakespeare, "My grief lies all within, And these external manners of lament Are merely shadows to the unseen grief That swells with silence in the tortured soul."

Accepting the Loss
One never wants to, but reluctantly does accept the loss as a part of life. The most amazing thing about life is that no matter what happens, life does go on, and sooner or later we do learn to cope up with whatever life brings our way. It is difficult and painful and add to the stress, but then we have to, and ultimately,we do.

Revive from the Grieving Process

"Since grief only aggravates your loss, grief not for what is past." - Walker Percy.

Grief professionals have defined a concept called "Grief Work", summarizing it in the form of the word TEAR as an abbreviation.
T: To accept the reality of the loss
E: Experience the pain of the loss
A: Adjust to the new environment without the loss object
R: Reinvest in the new reality

Reviving from the grief that one has gone through, is difficult, but necessary! One needs to collect the scattered pieces of oneself to come back to life one again. You have experienced the loss which has left injuries that time can heal, but the scars will always remain. The world moves on with or without you. So even you have to move on! In case of death,this is not the time to forget the person who passed away, but to form a new relationship with the deceased person. Remember, now the deceased is with God and can watch you being miserable. Here is what you can do to revive from the loss -

• Come back to your life with the change and take care of yourself as you did earlier. Have proper meals, dress up properly, keep your home clean and live like a normal being.
• Remember the person in your prayers and don't hesitate to talk to the person in your heart when you feel like sharing your thoughts.
• Keep yourself busy so that you don't get into depression again. Catch up with the things you neglected all this while, try to meet your relatives and friends that have been worried for you all this while.
• Try to divert your mind in doing things which you like, for example, write about how you feel, visit places which will help you rejuvenate yourself.
• Team up with your friends and family members and do something together to honor the deceased person. For example, create a memorabilia in the memory along with your family or friends, this will be emotionally difficult, but since you are not alone, it will give you a sense of honoring the deceased person.
• Most importantly, have faith in the Almighty, believe that all things happen for a reason.

I know when you suffer the loss and go through the steps of grief, all these words sound bull****! But in time you will realize the true meaning. In the words of Marcel Proust, "Happiness is beneficial for the body, but it is grief that develops the powers of the mind."