Stand Up Jokes

"I love my phone machine. I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to I could go "Excuse me, I'm not in right now. If you could just leave a message, I could walk away."

~ Jerry Seinfeld

Want to learn how to write good jokes or one liners? Unfortunately, the humor isn't everyone's cup of tea. Personally I feel that a man (or a woman, for that matter) learns to be funny based on certain experiences in life. It really depends on how a person takes the bad experiences in life. If he/she decides to make a compilation of the unfortunate, unintentionally funny episodes of life it is the best way to have people in splits. If you ask me, that is the mark of a good comedian. Have the people laugh at him as well as with him. If a person decides to mope and complain about all the things wrong in their life in the most boring way possible, chances are, you're not getting the joke here. So the first thing I would advise you to do is to take the bad things in your life and try to spot the potential for a joke. Because, believe it or not, we humans love to laugh at the expense of others!

How to Write Stand Up Material

Like I said, the first thing you need to know about writing stand up comedy is that you need to learn to laugh at yourself. When you see the show of a stand up comic, doesn't it seem that the comedian has had a lot more funny experiences than you? Funny things keep happening to the comedian. It appears as if the comedian has an unusually funny life, friends and things around him!

But there's the catch! Now take one of the jokes you heard the last time you saw a comedy act? Would that joke be funny if one of the most boring people you knew told it? Which brings us to the second very integral point about stand up comedy: the delivery. The comedian has to say it in a way that people find it funny, although, there may be nothing remotely funny about it. How many times have you seen a sitcom and laughed your ass off and then read the transcript on the web and found it absolutely moronic? Too often, because the comedy is delivered in a way which makes it funny and furthermore situational.

Which brings me to the third point. If you have noticed, comedians don't just go up on stage and read out a random list of jokes. They create a funny situation around them. They tell a whole funny story and very often, run a full show based on that story. They bring in funny characters and create funny situations around them and then they'll be joking about it the whole show. Its like a TV sitcom, a good comedian creates a funny situation and then makes jokes on them.

To conclude, I would like to say that funny things don't repeatedly happen to comedians. It is just that they choose to see the humor in normal day-to-day situations and then twist it, create a situation around it, and deliver it well which makes it very funny!

Jokes for Kids and Adults

Learn from the experts! Here are the best lines by my favorite comedians.

"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."
~ Tommy Cooper

"A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'"
~ Tommy Cooper

"A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'.
The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'. "
~ Tommy Cooper

"I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu.
So I went, and I got it.'"
~ Tommy Cooper

"Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?"
~ Steve Wright

"Why is abbreviation such a long word?"
~ Steve Wright

"Now there's a man with an open mind-you can feel the breeze from here."
~ Groucho Marx

"The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open."
~ Groucho Marx

"I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought I'll dance with the cows till you come home."
~ Groucho Marx

"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."
~ Groucho Marx

"Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse. "
~ Groucho Marx

"Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet"
~ Robin Williams

"When in doubt, go for the dick joke."
~ Robin Williams

"Politics: "Poli" a Latin word meaning "many"; and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures "
~ Robin Williams

"In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say "Stop, or I'll say stop again"
~ Robin Williams

"Do you think God gets stoned? I think so . . . look at the platypus"
~ Robin Williams

"Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge. "
~ Jerry Seinfeld

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. "
~ Jerry Seinfeld

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here." "
~ Jerry Seinfeld

"To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there is a problem the lawyer is the only person who has read the inside of the top of the box. "
~ Jerry Seinfeld

"I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!" "
~ Jerry Seinfeld

Remember, each comedian has his own type of comedy, so if you can't come up with intelligent jokes like Woody Allen, don't fret. There's still a pretty big market for goofy, slapstick stuff too!