Spontaneous Combustion & You
An educational guide to maintaining sanity with family and friends.
He woke up not on top of his bed, but under it. He crawled out from the cavernous place and fled his room. He walked downstairs to the living room, trying to ignore the orangutan sitting on the couch reading the newspaper with apparent interest, just finishing his dead squirrel, with the inedible objects strewn across the living room in a creative pattern. He made a sorry excuse for a cup of coffee and quickly drank it. He got a bowl and made some Froot Loops (with Limited Edition Darkberries, of course). He then got dressed and went off to work.
As he was driving through town several moose began to embrace their rebellious side and threw several objects across the street, some of those being street signs. He bypassed this calamity and made his way to work safely. On his way an insane bum jumped from the roof of a small building and landed on his car. He shouted words of encouragement to him as he passed by the scene unfolding.
He parked in front of his office building and stealthily evaded the patrol geese that inhabited the area. He walked through the door and into the building. Upon entry the vending machine stood up and slapped him for "being late". He said that he was caught in traffic and the patrol geese were extra vicious this time of day. The vending machine refused to believe this nonsense and shot a bag of Cheetos at him. He walked off to his cubicle to begin his day.
He sat down in his chair and turned on his computer. The computer of course did not approve of him constantly pushing its buttons, so it attacked him with its keyboard. He defended himself by dislodging the keyboard from its input thing. The computer relented and he resumed work.
One of his coworkers approached him and said that the guys were going to have a pocket bike race in honor of Bill Nye the Science Guy. He said that it sounded totally tubular. His coworker left, but returned four minutes later with his pet giraffe and a bald guy with no shirt. They sat down on the floor and played disturbing music until he sprayed them with a fine mist that smelt of bongos. They crawled away sadly and never returned.
As he was working he tripped over the dense air and and broke his face on the desk. He put a band-aid on it and it felt better. He sat down on his chair and immediately began to daydream of punching small animals, specifically a koala. His daydream was rudely interrupted by the revving of motors. He hopped on his pocket bike to see what all the hubbub was about. Turns out there was one pizza slice left in the conference room and a race was to ensue to decide who would claim it. He signed up for the race and they lined up.
They were off in a few seconds and down the hall. He started off in third and eventually rose to second, where he could see the first place person just ahead of him. On his way through the office he grabbed a pair of scissors and threw them at the first place man. They struck his tire and he collapsed in the carefully placed stacks of hay. He took first place and zoomed off to the conference room, where he met an angry bear that consumed him and pooped him out before he could even blink.
He went into the conference room and grabbed the pizza, where he ate it and it turned out to be made of metal so he choked on it and died. He was reincarnated as a middle-aged donkey with kidney issues and a shrunken bladder. As said donkey he roamed the lands in search of truth with his two donkey sidekicks, Charles and Yolando. They eventually died of prostate cancer and were buried in a Mexican restaurant that would later become famous as Margaritas.
He was reincarnated again as a baby with an upside down face who was featured on several medical shows that involved phenomenon such as this. One day he was featured on a show and he had a seizure and ate the camera man. The company that produced the show did not agree with this and they sued him, although he was only an infant. He went to court and suddenly died.
He was reincarnated as air and spent his life sitting and going inside people and then coming out. This proved to be boring to him and he became depressed. He died and did not reincarnate. This made him mad and he sued whoever was responsible, but they wouldn't let him because the "suing joke" had been used. They then sued him for being unoriginal, which led to him suing them for suing him for no reason. This led to a huge controversy which resulted in both of their spontaneous combustion.
I'M SORRY
As he was driving through town several moose began to embrace their rebellious side and threw several objects across the street, some of those being street signs. He bypassed this calamity and made his way to work safely. On his way an insane bum jumped from the roof of a small building and landed on his car. He shouted words of encouragement to him as he passed by the scene unfolding.
He parked in front of his office building and stealthily evaded the patrol geese that inhabited the area. He walked through the door and into the building. Upon entry the vending machine stood up and slapped him for "being late". He said that he was caught in traffic and the patrol geese were extra vicious this time of day. The vending machine refused to believe this nonsense and shot a bag of Cheetos at him. He walked off to his cubicle to begin his day.
He sat down in his chair and turned on his computer. The computer of course did not approve of him constantly pushing its buttons, so it attacked him with its keyboard. He defended himself by dislodging the keyboard from its input thing. The computer relented and he resumed work.
One of his coworkers approached him and said that the guys were going to have a pocket bike race in honor of Bill Nye the Science Guy. He said that it sounded totally tubular. His coworker left, but returned four minutes later with his pet giraffe and a bald guy with no shirt. They sat down on the floor and played disturbing music until he sprayed them with a fine mist that smelt of bongos. They crawled away sadly and never returned.
As he was working he tripped over the dense air and and broke his face on the desk. He put a band-aid on it and it felt better. He sat down on his chair and immediately began to daydream of punching small animals, specifically a koala. His daydream was rudely interrupted by the revving of motors. He hopped on his pocket bike to see what all the hubbub was about. Turns out there was one pizza slice left in the conference room and a race was to ensue to decide who would claim it. He signed up for the race and they lined up.
They were off in a few seconds and down the hall. He started off in third and eventually rose to second, where he could see the first place person just ahead of him. On his way through the office he grabbed a pair of scissors and threw them at the first place man. They struck his tire and he collapsed in the carefully placed stacks of hay. He took first place and zoomed off to the conference room, where he met an angry bear that consumed him and pooped him out before he could even blink.
He went into the conference room and grabbed the pizza, where he ate it and it turned out to be made of metal so he choked on it and died. He was reincarnated as a middle-aged donkey with kidney issues and a shrunken bladder. As said donkey he roamed the lands in search of truth with his two donkey sidekicks, Charles and Yolando. They eventually died of prostate cancer and were buried in a Mexican restaurant that would later become famous as Margaritas.
He was reincarnated again as a baby with an upside down face who was featured on several medical shows that involved phenomenon such as this. One day he was featured on a show and he had a seizure and ate the camera man. The company that produced the show did not agree with this and they sued him, although he was only an infant. He went to court and suddenly died.
He was reincarnated as air and spent his life sitting and going inside people and then coming out. This proved to be boring to him and he became depressed. He died and did not reincarnate. This made him mad and he sued whoever was responsible, but they wouldn't let him because the "suing joke" had been used. They then sued him for being unoriginal, which led to him suing them for suing him for no reason. This led to a huge controversy which resulted in both of their spontaneous combustion.
I'M SORRY
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